This is a tough one.
So I asked Mr. Happy what stone did I leave unturned???
God Bless him, he said that he was In a dark place and was only was thinking of himself...
Good answer honey.
Three years out and I'm still second guessing my place in our relationship...INFIDELITY SUCKS... this shit still hurts.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
It sounds like he gets, or at least it's starting to get it.
eta: Glad Mr. Happy knows that it wasn't you not meeting his needs.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:29 AM, February 14th (Friday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Next blameshift, please...
I read the start of marriage builders and was not impressed with the, "you did not feed your spouses needssss".
My WS also told me that he was in a dark place and only thinking of himself and his need for the ego kibbles. He was denigrating our relationship in his mind and was in "the fog" where he was actually making things up to allow himself his indiscretions. He said he was scared of how happy he was in this relationship because it didn't feel right to him because of his FOO issues and how he expects to be treated by others. He has told me it was entirely 100% his fault and there is NOTHING I could have done.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Not every route is works for everyone...so it's ok to have different approaches and tools to work with. But lets not attack their methods, whether you (general term) agree with them or not.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
You can tell they've never been through this and hey, good for them. But don't try to tell US what this is like.
I have read a bit of Marriage Builders and they do have some good information for marriages not touched by infidelity.
I was really taken aback reading the MB info that stated the reason for the betrayal was the WS were not fulfilled in the marriage. So I gave it some thought and could not figure out what I was not giving to him...
Mr. Happy and I rarely speak of his infidelity now, unless there is a trigger happening. We has a 2 day discussion from this new and different info on 'Marriage Building'. And it wasn't pretty, IFYKWIM!
I asked him to think about what he was missing in life that the AP so generously supplied for him. He gave me this look- like it was a trick question.
Well that started a fight because I really wanted him to tell me what she did for him that I was not doing. Then I started ticking off all the nasty things they did together and how it affected not just me but the whole family!
I was not trying to start a fight with him. I just never want to revisit those horrible days from his A. I was trying to be proactive...but all the MB construct of his needs/her needs did was start a big ol' fight. Poor Guy.
Mr. Happy had to hold me real tight and assure me that his poor choices were the cause of his delusional self destruction.
He was embarrassed all over again because I promoted him working closely with her thinking it would help his career Silly me!
I am sorry if I offended anyone who understands the MB paradigm. Just wanted to make sure I was doing all that I could to make our marriage the best it could be.
I threw myself into MB during our false R. It almost destroyed me. Thinking *I* was the problem. Bending over backwards to meet his every need, making him think he was a god basically. I enabled his wayward behavior completely.
I feel very strongly about how they can sabatoge recovery.
MB is great for building a stronger marriage, but not for dealing with infidelity. Way too much pressure is put on the BS and the WS is coddled through the entire recovery process.
It's called Marriage Builders...not Surviving Infidelity
They have a unique format for building good marriages, we have a better format for recovering from infidelity...imho.
Last April, I staggered back there after DD, looking for comfort, and got a rude awakening. They started telling me, in no uncertain terms what I "had to do." I commented something about how it had gotten pretty hard-core, and one of the drill sergeants replied, basically, that that's what it takes, and I was a wimp whose marriage was toast if I didn't follow the program to the letter. The boards used to be a lot like the ones here, with support and even some laughs, but those days seem to be gone. Glad I found SI!
Latest DD - April 2013, PA
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 3:56 PM, February 14th (Friday)]
Funny, my needs weren't tended to AT ALL---they weren't ever on the radar, even---and I didn't cheat.