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Not slamming but Marriage Builders...?

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Getting to Happy posted 2/14/2014 05:31 AM

I read the start of marriage builders and was not impressed with the, "you did not feed your spouses needssss".

This is a tough one.

So I asked Mr. Happy what stone did I leave unturned???

God Bless him, he said that he was In a dark place and was only was thinking of himself...

Good answer honey.

Three years out and I'm still second guessing my place in our relationship...INFIDELITY SUCKS... this shit still hurts.

steadfast1973 posted 2/14/2014 05:55 AM

Anything that blames ME for his shit, is not something I want to hear. I did everything I could to make him feel loved and needed... It was my needs that went unmet. Because I wasn't a porn girl.

simplydevastated posted 2/14/2014 07:24 AM

I've been to that site... once.

It sounds like he gets, or at least it's starting to get it.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/14/2014 07:28 AM

Slam away. Marriage Builders suck. There is a lot of blaming the BS.

eta: Glad Mr. Happy knows that it wasn't you not meeting his needs.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:29 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

solus sto posted 2/14/2014 07:35 AM

Funny, my needs weren't tended to AT ALL---they weren't ever on the radar, even---and I didn't cheat.

Next blameshift, please...

NaiveAgain posted 2/14/2014 07:44 AM

I read the start of marriage builders and was not impressed with the, "you did not feed your spouses needssss".
That is idiotic.

My WS also told me that he was in a dark place and only thinking of himself and his need for the ego kibbles. He was denigrating our relationship in his mind and was in "the fog" where he was actually making things up to allow himself his indiscretions. He said he was scared of how happy he was in this relationship because it didn't feel right to him because of his FOO issues and how he expects to be treated by others. He has told me it was entirely 100% his fault and there is NOTHING I could have done.

Kelany posted 2/14/2014 07:46 AM

MB is horrible.

Deeply Scared posted 2/14/2014 07:57 AM

We have a lot of MB members here, so maybe we can pull back on the bashing

Not every route is works for it's ok to have different approaches and tools to work with. But lets not attack their methods, whether you (general term) agree with them or not.

heforgotme posted 2/14/2014 08:21 AM

Slam away. We actually like MB for building marriages, but they are fairly clueless about infidelity. They have a few good concepts like transparency and exposure, but they baby the WS and expect the BS to nice them back. We all know how well that works.

You can tell they've never been through this and hey, good for them. But don't try to tell US what this is like.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/14/2014 08:56 AM

Good point, DS and heforgotme.

I have read a bit of Marriage Builders and they do have some good information for marriages not touched by infidelity.

heforgotme posted 2/14/2014 10:20 AM

DS, I'm sure you probably figured this out, but we cross posted. Otherwise I would have left out the first sentence.........

Getting to Happy posted 2/14/2014 12:15 PM

Oh. Sorry DS.

I was really taken aback reading the MB info that stated the reason for the betrayal was the WS were not fulfilled in the marriage. So I gave it some thought and could not figure out what I was not giving to him...

Mr. Happy and I rarely speak of his infidelity now, unless there is a trigger happening. We has a 2 day discussion from this new and different info on 'Marriage Building'. And it wasn't pretty, IFYKWIM!

I asked him to think about what he was missing in life that the AP so generously supplied for him. He gave me this look- like it was a trick question.

Well that started a fight because I really wanted him to tell me what she did for him that I was not doing. Then I started ticking off all the nasty things they did together and how it affected not just me but the whole family!

I was not trying to start a fight with him. I just never want to revisit those horrible days from his A. I was trying to be proactive...but all the MB construct of his needs/her needs did was start a big ol' fight. Poor Guy.

Mr. Happy had to hold me real tight and assure me that his poor choices were the cause of his delusional self destruction.

He was embarrassed all over again because I promoted him working closely with her thinking it would help his career Silly me!

I am sorry if I offended anyone who understands the MB paradigm. Just wanted to make sure I was doing all that I could to make our marriage the best it could be.

Kelany posted 2/14/2014 13:49 PM

Sorry for the bashing.

I threw myself into MB during our false R. It almost destroyed me. Thinking *I* was the problem. Bending over backwards to meet his every need, making him think he was a god basically. I enabled his wayward behavior completely.

I feel very strongly about how they can sabatoge recovery.

Deeply Scared posted 2/14/2014 13:58 PM

***As a member***

MB is great for building a stronger marriage, but not for dealing with infidelity. Way too much pressure is put on the BS and the WS is coddled through the entire recovery process.

It's called Marriage Builders...not Surviving Infidelity

They have a unique format for building good marriages, we have a better format for recovering from infidelity...imho.

brokendancer7 posted 2/14/2014 15:48 PM

16 years ago, after H's first A, I got a lot of support and help from the MB message boards, but come to think about it, did not really follow the books that much.

Last April, I staggered back there after DD, looking for comfort, and got a rude awakening. They started telling me, in no uncertain terms what I "had to do." I commented something about how it had gotten pretty hard-core, and one of the drill sergeants replied, basically, that that's what it takes, and I was a wimp whose marriage was toast if I didn't follow the program to the letter. The boards used to be a lot like the ones here, with support and even some laughs, but those days seem to be gone. Glad I found SI!

RippedSoul posted 2/14/2014 15:54 PM

Not sure if it's by the same folks, but I read a "His Needs, Her Needs" book. The first two chapters about his need for sex and her need for affection could have been written for me and my spouse alone. No--none of that would have been an excuse for either of us to stray, but it was eye-opening. And, once I know we're truly in R or I can get him to read anything, I'd like him to read those chapters. So, yes, I think there really is a difference between surviving infidelity and building a marriage. What's important is to be open to ANYTHING that will help us heal and grow and rebuild and thrive!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 3:56 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 2/14/2014 16:13 PM

Funny, my needs weren't tended to AT ALL---they weren't ever on the radar, even---and I didn't cheat.

Same here.

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