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norabird posted 2/14/2014 07:57 AM

Thought my mind wouldn't go here today but...suddenly thought, what if the woman he was seeing didn't cut him off after she realized he had been cheating on me with her initially? (My SIL emailed to give her the truth after DDay2). What if they are going out to a nice dinner tonight?

Realistically I doubt they are still involved, and even further, I know anyone involved with him is getting a raw deal, even if they are on the receiving end of apparently doting behavior as I was last year...when he had just had sex with an ex I was sensitive about, and was wooing someone else he had met in a bar while pretending to be single.

So I know that he is not honest, that he is messed up right now and that I'm better not being involved. Yet it still irks me to think of him playing the same ruse with someone else. And then I think--what if he can be faithful to someone who doesn't trigger his jealousy and insecurity?

As if that is likely! Selfish entitlement is selfish entitlement. I don't even wish we were together for tonight. So I could be fed a bunch of convincing lies and be part of a shaky facade? No thanks. I'm going out with friends to dinner instead, none of whom will ever break my trust like he did, and maybe I'll buy myself some chocolate. Just annoyed at myself for even going there in my head to wonder about if he has plans.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/14/2014 08:09 AM

Hi norabird. It's normal that you feel this way. I just had a conversation with my wife about 10 minutes ago discussing last VDay. Neither one of us are VDay people. In fact early on in our relationship she told me rather than periodically spend a lot of money on VDay flowers and all the other stuff on one day, she would rather have that money spent throughout the year on flowers and other things. So that's what I do and then some!!!

That said, this time last year the relationship part of our marriage was really hurting. For both of us. My wife just told me that last VDay, even though she's not a VDay person, all of the reminders that she got to see at work and all the conversations about it all day long really made her sad. Especially at that time when she (and I) felt very lonely in our marriage. She said she cried. We are in a much better place now together, but obviously it was still hard on her if she mentioned it to me today. I did send her a very special note today that made her cry in a good way. She too is going out with a dear friend of hers tonight while I stay home with the kiddos.

It's normal reaction to go there in your head today. Holidays do that for me with family stuff too.

On the bright side, go have fun with your friends tonight! I'll be thinking of you.


ETA - had to add the "and then some!!!" above.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:10 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

norabird posted 2/14/2014 11:37 AM

I'm glad your wife was comfortable enough to open up to you, and that you're giving her a night out!

It makes me smile to think how far you are both coming in working on things together--such a hopeful thing to think about.

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