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NC does work! Feeling better

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griefandrelief posted 2/14/2014 10:07 AM

After receiving some good advice from SI members and their velvet 2X4s, I have been NC with WH for nearly a week. It has been difficult, but I haven't texted him back at all when he contacted me.

His first text to me was asking for time to get together and talk about finances and so he could "collect his belongings." This felt hostile, because all of our belongings were purchased together - and he had taken the new flatscreen TV when he left for OW house. I did NC.

Today, his text was softer and read: "Don't worry about the talk being confrontational. I still love you and will be agreeing to what you want. I just need to know what my budget is going to be. The possessions stuff can wait until another day."

When I was advised to go NC, he had refused to say that he loved me anymore and I was heartbroken. I am really hoping that the whole financial thing is because he wants to find his own place so he has somewhere for his girls to be that is their own.

Maybe the revisionist history stuff is fading away and he can remember that I was a good wife, and we can keep moving on toward peace, if not reconciliation.

NikkiD posted 2/14/2014 10:10 AM

Good for you!! Keep it up!

StillLivin posted 2/14/2014 10:37 AM

Don't worry about the talk being confrontational. I still love you and will be agreeing to what you want.

This is called hoovering. He is not SHOWING you his love by doing everything possible to make you heal.
I am really hoping that the whole financial thing is because he wants to find his own place so he has somewhere for his girls to be that is their own

Honey, you can NOT have any expectations. Seems like you are still holding on to hope. In order to protect your heart, you have to shelve that hope for a little while until he SHOWS you a reason to still have hope. Or, you will get hurt over and over again. BTDT.
This crap really hurts. Hell hurts is such an inadequate word to describe the devastation. Hang in there and keep up NC until his actions marry up with his words.
Remember, talk is cheap.
(((griefandrelief)))

ETA: Keep listening to the wise ones here at SI...stay NC as much as possible. Sometimes you can't because of finances and he legally has a right to come get his stuff. It gets easier, good job with NC so far. Just put a moat and wall around your heart so he can't hurt it anymore than he already has.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:42 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

griefandrelief posted 2/14/2014 11:15 AM

I appreciate the dose of reality, StillLivin! I am not hoping for R and I know the D is the best for us. I am just wanting to be sure that we have a space to honor our past 22 years (I just realized that this month marks 22 years since we first dated - yikes!) and co-parent our daughters. And, all cards on the table, I want him away from OW's house and kids and in a place of his own where there is space for our daughters to spend quality time with their dad, which they both miss. There is NO WAY IN HELL they are going to OW's house in any way, shape, or form.

I guess, bottom line, is that I don't want him to hate me and I don't want to hate him, because I'm afraid it will devalue our past and I can't handle that.

StillLivin posted 2/14/2014 11:18 AM

I guess, bottom line, is that I don't want him to hate me and I don't want to hate him, because I'm afraid it will devalue our past and I can't handle that

You are sooo honorable. He truly doesn't deserve you.
Be true to yourself and do what makes you comfortable, just keep your shields up. I know we don't "know" each other, but it breaks my heart when I see the posts where they slipped up on NC and got crushed.

(((hugs and strength)))

norabird posted 2/14/2014 11:21 AM

You may not want to hate him (which I understand and honor)....but that doesn't mean I can't hate him for you!

I do think someone else has said before in reply to you that, unfortunately as far as the OW goes, you really can't control her seeing your DDs. Yes, ideally he will get his own place, but you are laying down a law/line in the sand that is unenforceable with this edict. Again, I understand that impulse too...but it's just not going to be possible, and it is not going to help to fight it, because it's out of your hands in the end.

Good luck with the crickets and stay strong.

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