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I never in a million years thought this would happen..omg

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cryinginside posted 2/14/2014 11:31 AM

I haven't posted here in a long time. This site has helped me so much over the years. I don't even know what to feel right now. This is terrible.

My oldest sister passed away on October 8th 2013. It was very sudden and unexpected. My whole family is changed. I have never experienced pain like I have since she died. She had started using herion for a period of 7 months. She finally opened her eyes and saw she had a problem and decided to change her life. She found God again and started going to a methadoneclinic to get clean. The methadone killed her. She died on her bedroom floor with her 6 year old daughter home. I am now helping care for my niece. To say I was devastated is an understatement.

My fear, is that I will forget the sound of her voice. So I read and re-read text messages because for some reason when I do I read them as if she was talking to me. Last night I was looking through her emails to find some info on her storage unit. I started reading emails she had sent to various people. I felt an overwhelming s addness i had not felt. It hurt so much I started to panic. I missed her.

As I was reading I came across an email. I started reading and time stopped. I didnt understand what I was seeing. It was emails between her and my husband. Every emotion ran through my body in seconds and I felt like I was going to faint.

The emails were from the end of 2007. From what I read, which I only skimmed over, they were having an affair off and on for years. There were "I love yous" "in love" and "I miss you's". There are many emails. I can not read them.

Years ago when my husband had an affair, i was told by the other women, that my husband had at one point told her he had slept with my sister. I was shocked. I talked to my sister. She was extremely upset and swore that never happened. The same women who told me this, also tried to make my life a living hell for years. There were no signs that my sister and husband had ever had an affair, and my sister and I were very close. She was one of the main people in my life that I cried to while he was cheating. So I figured the other women was once again trying to hurt me by telling me lies. Now I know thats not true.
I dont know what I feel or how to feel right now. I dont know what to do.For 3 years, our marriage has been the best it has ever been. I have finally learned to move on from the past. And I thought he had completely changed.
I can't talk to anyone. And the one person who I would go to no matter what, not only is she the "other women" but she died. My heart is broken when I didnt think it could possibly break more.
Im sorry this is long and confusing. I had to get this out.

Drowninginitall posted 2/14/2014 11:35 AM

Goodness...I have no advice but wanted to post something to you. I am devistated for you and can not imagine your pain right now. Someone will be along who has more experience very soon, but I want to offer hugs to you and let you know someone is listening. Please take care of yourself. Hugs.

Neverwudaguessed posted 2/14/2014 11:38 AM

Oh, I am sooooo sorry that you have been through so much and seemingly came out the other side just to find out this new, overwhelmingly heartbreaking news. Did you have a counselor during the time that you found out your husband had cheated? If so, that would be a great place to begin to process your feelings. If not, I think that having a person who is not affiliated in any way with your family would be a safe place for you to work through this.
Do you think that her daughter's father has any idea about the affair? I wish I had some sage advice for you; I just want you to know that someone has heard you and I am sending you hugs (((crying inside))))

outtanowhere posted 2/14/2014 11:44 AM

I don't even have words to express how sorry I am you are going thru this. I truly cannot imagine the pain you must be experiencing.

It looks like the only other person that can help you with this will be the one who has caused this pain....your husband. I wouldn't tell him how you know. Just tell him you do and he has some explaining to do. Don't let him gaslight you. If you have solid evidence you need to hold his feet to the fire until he comes clean.

It must be excruciating for you right now as you are still grieving your sister's death. Just know that there are some 42000 strangers here that will have only your best interest at heart.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself time to process all of the emotions you are going thru. You will be ok at the end of all of this but, it will be a long, hard road to get there. Please keep posting.


Alex CR posted 2/14/2014 11:53 AM

(((cryinginside)))...I am so sorry you are dealing with this new betrayal. These are a lot of issues to deal with, but the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself.

Is it possible to talk with a relative or IC or maybe a clergy member?

And, of course, you need to address this with your husband.

Be kind to yourself and know that we are all here for you.

annb posted 2/14/2014 11:56 AM

Hi, cryinginside, I respond to posts here almost daily, but I am at a loss for words right now. I cannot fathom the depth of pain you are experiencing.

The only thing I can suggest is you seek a counselor, like yesterday. You need to talk this through with an objective individual who can help you process the enormity of his/her betrayal.

Your WH may have changed, but he is living with this terrible secret, very unfair to you. Had you known the truth years ago, you might be in a different place right now.

I'd give him the opportunity to come clean...guard those emails. Don't reveal the source. If he has truly changed, he will tell you the truth.

HurtHarlequin posted 2/14/2014 12:01 PM

Oh my God, I wish I knew what to say, but I don't think there are words. I am so sorry for this. I can't imagine your pain, but I know it must be great. I hope finding this website will help you in some way. There are a lot of people here who will listen and support you.


sudra posted 2/14/2014 12:07 PM

I am so sorry you are here again and under such painful circumstances.

Can you tell from the emails if their affair ended or was it still ongoing? If it ended years ago, maybe they were remorseful and maybe both really changed but decided (wrongfully, IMO) to not confess to you.

I know that doesn't help much but trying to offer something...

Bless your heart. Take care.

ETA - just read your profile. You've had numerous Ddays. Not so likely he's been remorseful. I'm so sorry again.

[This message edited by sudra at 12:10 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Breezy150 posted 2/14/2014 12:17 PM

I am so sorry, my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine the pain you feel. Try to take care of yourself, and seek IC.


norabird posted 2/14/2014 13:55 PM

What a devastating disclosure. You must be reeling. I can't imagine the loss of your sister being compounded in this way! You will have to talk to your husband. His reaction will show if he has changed, in the end. So many hugs to you. Please do find someone IRL to discuss this with as you try to process.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 2/14/2014 14:13 PM

I don't post much anymore, but it is posts like this that make me wish we had a way to post a real hug. I am so sorry for the pain of your sister's loss and now this new discovery.


jb3199 posted 2/14/2014 14:34 PM

I'm with annb----I don't even know what to say.

I think counseling might help. You can't bottle this up inside.


Uhtred posted 2/14/2014 15:17 PM

I too cannot fathom the pain that you're in right now. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I really don't have any advice for you I just wanted you to know that you have been heard and my heart breaks for you.

Hosea posted 2/14/2014 15:24 PM

Oh no, cryinginside. My heart is breaking just to read this. I hope so badly you have a really close friend, someone you truly trust who deeply values you that you can be with right now.

Please don't read any more emails right now. If you can, be with someone who can just hold you and comfort you. There is so much pain here that it is beyond human language to console it...

Do not talk to your husband yet. His consolations, if he offers any, will only tear you further apart. Stay away from him. Be with someone truly loving and trustworthy. As quickly as you can. Please please please hang on and don't let the despair overwhelm you, however powerful it is.

I will be praying for you. Know that there are others grieving for you. Please don't give up hope.

Skan posted 2/14/2014 17:30 PM

Hi there. I'm so very sorry that you've had to come back to this site. Words cannot express how sorry. I'm glad that you're going back to see your IC. You need someone IRL that you can talk to, often.

While it's absolutely wonderful that for the last 3 years, you've had a marriage that was better than ever, please don't let that lessen or minimize the fact that you've had a second DDay coupled with a double betrayal. At a time when you thought all was going to be better than ever with your WH, you were knocked to your knees with the loss of your sister and now a steamroller has just pasted you onto the ground with the knowledge that your deeply mourned sister is also your WHs OW. Thanks to their selfish decision, and then your WHs (and frankly, her) choice to lie to you rather than get all of the pain and anguish out at once, every healing wound that you have has been opened to your bone marrow. Had they chosen to be completely honest with you and decided to draw a line and live, from that point on, lives of complete integrity and truth, you would "only" (and what a horrible word, only) be mourning the death of your sister. Now, because of their selfishness and lies, you're having to face the death of your dreams over the last three years, the relationship that you thought you had with your sister, the relationship that you thought you were building with your WH, and the reality of so bloody much loss in your family.

I hope and pray that you can get your children out of the house to a friend's or relatives before you confront your WH. You will have to. I only wish that I could be there to hold your hand. (((hugs)))

K Phantom posted 2/14/2014 18:57 PM

OMG, I am soooo sorry ((((cryinginside)))).

That drug is the devil. Al-anon might be an option. This group is focused on drinking but i would think heroin is part of their focus too.

[This message edited by K Phantom at 7:05 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 2/14/2014 18:58 PM

(((cryinginside))) I am so sorry.

nekorb posted 2/14/2014 19:14 PM

I'm so, so sorry.


I can't even imagine what you are going through. Just breathe for right now and don't worry about anything else.

Lionne posted 2/14/2014 19:15 PM

All the other posters have had so many wise and comforting things. Please listen when they say to put yourself and your needs first.

One other thought. Your sister was a heroin addict. I can't help but suspect she was a user of other drugs prior to that. One hardly ever starts with H. Addicts are selfish by definition. Cheating is common. It's possible this affected heroor choices in 2007. Not an excuse, but a reason. And, of course, no reason for your WS.

I, too, wish I could give you a RL hug...

cryinginside posted 2/14/2014 19:34 PM

Thank you all so very much for your words, advice, hugs and support. Truly, thank you.

I should have explained further in my post, my husband knows I read an email. Minutes after I read what I read, he started to talk to me about some important paperwork. As he was talking to me I felt like I was going to be sick. I was trying my best to compose myself but I am sure I looked like I had seen a ghost. He asked me, "What's wrong", I said nothing I'm fine. He asked again, "No there is something wrong with you, what happened!". I just simply stated, I read an email in Kristin's account, and it was a string of messages from you two. The look on his face told me he knew exactly what I was talking about. All he said was, "I have no recollection have an email to your sister. I looked at him and said I can't do this, then I walked away. Nothing has been said since. I left early this morning and he has been at work all day.

Yes, I was seeing a therapist for over a year. She was wonderful and I felt completely comfortable with her. I stopped seeing her because she no longer accepted my insurance. I have been thinking recently, after my sister's death that I should make an appt. with her and just pay cash. At least until I can find someone else.

I feel so lost and confused. I want to call my sister. I want to ask her why. I want to tell her I still love her. I want to ask her if she hates me. If that's why she would do something like this. And then I want to tell her how much I miss her and how I feel like I am walking around with a piece of me missing every day of my life. I want to tell her that now, after reading that, I feel like the extremely close relationship we had, was all a lie. I would have done absolutely anything for my sister, and I just can't see her hurting me like this. But, I saw it. I saw her words. It feels like a nightmare.

Hate. That's what I feel towards my husband right now. Disgust. I hate him and I don't know how I will ever not hate him again.

I can't read the other emails. The little bit I read has been like a virus spreading through my body all day. I wish I had never came across it. But I did and I can't unread it.

By what I did read, this is what I got from it.. the emails were written in 2007 (the end of the year I think) he was actually deployed during this time. It was a string of messages in one email. He basically said, I miss you and I love you. The one from her seemed like she was responding to a question he had asked (but i didn't see a question, I could have over looked it or maybe it was deleted, I'm not sure) She said, to answer your question, The first time didn't matter because I was drunk and then after it happened I thought we could do this every once in a while but then I (my sister) got pregnant and I saw how you treated Kayla and saw that you treated me better then her but I still am in love with you and miss you (that was just from memory, I have not looked at the email since I first saw it) and there was another one from her that said why do you have to be so hot.

I'm not sure if I want to know what happened. I am so scared of feeling anger towards my sister. I have a lot of guilt from my sisters death. I feel as if I should have been there to save her because she basically died because help was not called in time. I knew she had been vomiting for a couple days, I told her to go to the hospital. I should have forced her. I should have checked on her. Those things run through my head every single day.

Those are just some of the things that I have felt today. I don't know what to do.

Someone had asked of my nieces father might have known about the affair. No, I have never even met her father. He has never been a big part of her life. My sister did have a few serious relationships since my husband and I have been together and I do wonder if they ever had a suspicion. Because I have been trying to think about to any "clues" that were there but I never saw. I can not think of any.

I am the type of person that doesn't want the horrible sickening details, but has to have them. I don't know if having the details in this situation is the answer.

I have a very close friend who has been my rock, her son was killed by a drunk driver in July 2013, 3 months before my sister's death. She is the reason I have been able to get out of bed and take care of my kids and niece. I have told her what happened, so thankful I have her. I am also so very thankful I have you all. Thank you. Thank you so much.

(I'm sure this is confusing as I am typing everything that is going through my mind, so please ask if something doesn't make sense)

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