So we're 6 months out from dday and in a good place with Ring. His birthday is so close to valentines day - I looked him in the eye a couple of weeks ago and firmly told him I didn't want to do anything for valentines this year. I'm just not there.
Then this morning I get up and there is a small box of chocolates and a card. I know he worked to restrain himself through it. I know he felt too guilty to not get me anything. It doesn't change the fact that I didn't want it.
The card and chocolates went upstairs so I didn't have to look at them. I don't want to open the card and I'm sitting here bawling. I really didn't think it would hit me like this. He wasn't involved with her long before the whole story came tumbling out, maybe six weeks? So there was never any 'contaminating' of the holiday.
He's the romantic, I'm the pragmatic. He chooses these cards that are long and flowery and...not really representational of our relationship at times. They appeal to his spirit I think more than his brain. I've always felt uncomfortable with them to some degree because some of it felt like lies. There were a couple of things I could pull out as truths, the rest was a bunch of hogwash.
Yet, he's been doing a ton of work. I've never seen him shift his attitude like this. I've seen him fake it and try to pretend like he was really understanding concepts, but you could tell he wasn't. Now he asks questions and makes statements that shows he really does 'get it'. Now, with the highest chance that most of the shit on that card being honest, I don't want to read it. If I don't,or if I dispose of it, he'll take it as punishment. Not in a resentful way, but in that beaten dog sort of way.
So if I tell him I didn't want anything, I feel like I'm punishing his great work forward with a slap in the face. But I also really don't want it. Trying to examine what this means in the twists of my emotional logic here as well.
There's a big part of me that wants to put the damn stuff back and go back to bed for the day. I know that's the depression part which was the only reason I didn't do an about face when I saw it.
Grr. Hope this day goes fast.