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Newest Member: LettinggoMoveon (46015)

User Topic: Vday woes, Oh the games my head plays with me.
headdesk
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we're 6 months out from dday and in a good place with Ring. His birthday is so close to valentines day - I looked him in the eye a couple of weeks ago and firmly told him I didn't want to do anything for valentines this year. I'm just not there.

Then this morning I get up and there is a small box of chocolates and a card. I know he worked to restrain himself through it. I know he felt too guilty to not get me anything. It doesn't change the fact that I didn't want it.

The card and chocolates went upstairs so I didn't have to look at them. I don't want to open the card and I'm sitting here bawling. I really didn't think it would hit me like this. He wasn't involved with her long before the whole story came tumbling out, maybe six weeks? So there was never any 'contaminating' of the holiday.

He's the romantic, I'm the pragmatic. He chooses these cards that are long and flowery and...not really representational of our relationship at times. They appeal to his spirit I think more than his brain. I've always felt uncomfortable with them to some degree because some of it felt like lies. There were a couple of things I could pull out as truths, the rest was a bunch of hogwash.

Yet, he's been doing a ton of work. I've never seen him shift his attitude like this. I've seen him fake it and try to pretend like he was really understanding concepts, but you could tell he wasn't. Now he asks questions and makes statements that shows he really does 'get it'. Now, with the highest chance that most of the shit on that card being honest, I don't want to read it. If I don't,or if I dispose of it, he'll take it as punishment. Not in a resentful way, but in that beaten dog sort of way.

So if I tell him I didn't want anything, I feel like I'm punishing his great work forward with a slap in the face. But I also really don't want it. Trying to examine what this means in the twists of my emotional logic here as well.

There's a big part of me that wants to put the damn stuff back and go back to bed for the day. I know that's the depression part which was the only reason I didn't do an about face when I saw it.

Grr. Hope this day goes fast.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
FindMyselfAgain
♀ 36969
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you said you're in a good place with R, how about using his gifts as a chance to better communicate. You say he probably shares the sentiment of the card.

How would you both feel about setting the card aside and either you read it or have him read it to you when you are ready to hear what he wants to express?

And chocolate is still chocolate. I like chocolate. I like sharing chocolate. How about sharing your chocolates with your kids?

I understand it's frustrating because he did not respect your request that he do nothing, yet you also see he thinks he's doing something good. You can tell him you are disappointed but still willing to accept his gesture on your terms.

What can you do for you today? You have chocolate. It is just chocolate, the shape of the box is irrelevant, the date doesn't matter.

You decide how you want the rest of your day to go. Then make it so. Don't let yourself stress over this.

((hugs))


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014
Current status: If he won't make changes, I must.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Sep 2012
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I hope you can communicate with him about this, and that the day improves. ((((hugs)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4232 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're hurting. Sending strength and (((hugs))) your way.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should share these feelings.. especially...

Yet, he's been doing a ton of work. I've never seen him shift his attitude like this. I've seen him fake it and try to pretend like he was really understanding concepts, but you could tell he wasn't. Now he asks questions and makes statements that shows he really does 'get it'.

So if I tell him I didn't want anything, I feel like I'm punishing his great work forward with a slap in the face. But I also really don't want it.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
headdesk
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. We did have a really good convo about it after I got over my own weepingness.

And it was ok. Yes he was a little hurt, but he also got it and didn't hold any of that sadness or have any resentments that held.

So thanks. I'm in a mild depression (thanks SAD) and things can bowl me over. Naturally they're not the big things but are the little things you don't see coming.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad. Working through this hard stuff together is one of the building blocks of R.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 7

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