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Think I'm wasting my time. Advice?

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AppalachianGal posted 2/14/2014 13:31 PM

WH drinks... a lot. Matter of fact, drinking has been involved in both situations with OW. Says he has NO FOO issues, had a good childhood, wasn't abused, etc. Only thing I can see that possibly is a FOO is that his paternal grandpa was also a functioning alcoholic and he idolized this man, loved him so much, was with him constantly as a little boy. WH is an Iraqi vet and has PTSD. He was also a volunteer firefighter here as a teen and has seen far too many mangled bodies.

He had been in IC when he was involved with OW#2, the ho-worker. Obviously, he lied to his psychologist about what kind of guy he was and she thought I was the spawn of Satan, truly. She'd tell him to divorce me, to "emotionally detach" from me.

We have been to MC for years, off and on since 2010. Nothing works.

We are trying to R. Maybe. I'm still on the fence but leaning toward R because he is remorseful and talking different than I ever expected (is he playing me? possibly). Last night he was drinking. He drinks EVERY NIGHT and has for years. He starts talking his usual BS about me being "mad" or "unhappy" or just whatever. Its always something that paints me in a negative light. This morning, I confronted him. He agreed he did it. I told him that R was NOT possible as long as this continues because he may "forget" what he says the night before but those feelings of negativity about me are still there and I think this is a HUGE reason for his As and our problems. He agrees. He then says he was being mean, on purpose. What?? I asked why. He couldn't tell me. He said he was angry over something but he couldn't figure out what. WHAT THE HELL? I told him to figure it out pronto! Am I wasting my time? I feel like I can't win here. He has the alcoholic mentality -- everything is his fault, he sucks, poor him, etc., etc. It never changed with years of IC, granted his psychologist was an IDIOT, but still. It has never changed with years of MC. It will never change as long as the booze is there.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 1:37 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

norabird posted 2/14/2014 14:06 PM

It seems to me like time to cut your losses.

Nature_Girl posted 2/14/2014 14:33 PM

You know what I've learned? I've learned that a wife should never try to be her husband's counselor. I've learned that a husband needs to figure his own shit out with his own IC. If he won't do that, then he's not good husband material.

Edith posted 2/14/2014 14:41 PM

Hi AG, I also think I would make sobriety a condition of R. That might be the place to start. So sorry.


Rebreather posted 2/14/2014 14:45 PM

I've learned that a husband needs to figure his own shit out with his own IC

Can I get an amen?

tushnurse posted 2/14/2014 14:48 PM


Seriously App you need to figure out your reasons for wanting to stay. If they have more to do with fear of change, then you need to rethink things. Living with a functional alcoholic that is mean because he can't deal is just setting yourself up for more abuse.

AppalachianGal posted 2/14/2014 14:53 PM

Edith, it is most definitely a condition for R. He can go to a 6-week inpatient program at the VA that deals with PTSD and alcoholism. His last IC strongly suggested it and he has been promising for many months, before Dday. He says he is going to fill out the paperwork and try to go mid-March. I'm not holding my breath. I've decided he has 6 months (maybe less) to get into that program. Six months from Dday so by June he'd better be in it.

As for being his counselor, I am not, but I am trying to figure it all out for myself. He says counseling does not help him. Thing is, the VA psychologists (his counselors) will see him even while addicted to alcohol where private-practice ICs usually will not. There lies a problem.

LA44 posted 2/14/2014 14:56 PM

((App)) my dad was a functioning alcoholic (but he was never mean....just not present). Thankfully, he stopped when I was ten yrs old.

Mom eventuallu went to Al-anon. Would you consider checking that out? If he is not going to help himself, you can still get some help for yourself. You cannot fix him. He is an alcoholic and needs help. And he will not stop until he hits rock bottom.

outside4me posted 2/14/2014 15:00 PM

True dat. Substance abusers are self medicating to stop the hurt they feel (whether its rational or not). How can he change if he's deadening the guilt he should be feeling? IMHO, he NEEDS to feel shitty in order to change. As long as he's drinking, he's not going to have the desire to get rid of the guilt the right way by getting his shit together. Good luck!

AppalachianGal posted 2/14/2014 15:06 PM

Been in Al-Anon for years. It has helped very little. I'm not running around looking for liquor bottles anymore. That's about all I can say for it.

As for guilt when drinking -- that's definitely there. He has survivor's guilt from Iraq and guilt from cheating on me. He cries often.

StillLivin posted 2/14/2014 15:23 PM

You are falling into the same trap I did with my WS, now STBXH.
He has PTSD, he's seen A LOT. I enabled him.
Then I realized, oh shit, I've seen way more than he has, I've been through way more than he has. Oh, yeah, I have PTSD too.
I don't drink myself into a stupor like my ex did. Why is it that I didn't cheat, didn't drink myself into being an idiot every weekend, or emotionally abuse my spouse and kids.
Oh, yeah, because I'm not an asswhole.
I have triggers. I used to not be able to drive over a soda can, couldn't stand for people to walk behind me, still have trouble sleeping sometimes, nightmares, shakes, and used to have near panic attacks in crowds.
I've learned coping skills.
At the heart of it, I'm just not a jerk.
PTSD is absolutely NO excuse for the behavior you have described.
I originally thought my STBXH's crazy and cruel behavior was his PTSD getting worse. So I tried to love him back into the relationship, I tried to get him to engage more with the kids, I tried to talk to him.
No honey, he was just having an A. That's all. And when he ended the A, he was missing his schmoopy whoopy Shrekie poo.
To me missing her and mistreating me and the kids was the same as him still being in the A.
Your WS is feeling sorry for his widdle self, just like my STBXH is too.
I had a choice, I made it. I'm done.
I'm not saying you should be done, but I am saying that you are choosing to continue with this person who doesn't treat you right, and you are choosing to buy into his hosre crap about his PTSD and what a poor widdle boy he is.

Am I wasting my time?

You already know the answer to this question.

I love(d) my STBXH so much it hurts. But at some point I had to love myself more. I just couldn't keep putting him before me when his actions showed me how little he put into me.

AppalachianGal posted 2/14/2014 16:38 PM

He now admits he was upset about our daughter and a situation with a friend of hers and thinks that I keep him shut out from certain things with the kids. (I do, admittedly, because of his drinking and his PTSD. Stress isn't his friend and it ends up hurting us more than him, so I don't tell him EVERYTHING about the kids). Believe it or not, he is making progress in some areas but remaining the same in others. There are days I cry constantly & want to walk away and then there are days where I realize I still love this jerk. He can be an @ss and then he can be the sweetest, most loving man ever.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 4:39 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

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