He had been in IC when he was involved with OW#2, the ho-worker. Obviously, he lied to his psychologist about what kind of guy he was and she thought I was the spawn of Satan, truly. She'd tell him to divorce me, to "emotionally detach" from me.
We have been to MC for years, off and on since 2010. Nothing works.
We are trying to R. Maybe. I'm still on the fence but leaning toward R because he is remorseful and talking different than I ever expected (is he playing me? possibly). Last night he was drinking. He drinks EVERY NIGHT and has for years. He starts talking his usual BS about me being "mad" or "unhappy" or just whatever. Its always something that paints me in a negative light. This morning, I confronted him. He agreed he did it. I told him that R was NOT possible as long as this continues because he may "forget" what he says the night before but those feelings of negativity about me are still there and I think this is a HUGE reason for his As and our problems. He agrees. He then says he was being mean, on purpose. What?? I asked why. He couldn't tell me. He said he was angry over something but he couldn't figure out what. WHAT THE HELL? I told him to figure it out pronto! Am I wasting my time? I feel like I can't win here. He has the alcoholic mentality -- everything is his fault, he sucks, poor him, etc., etc. It never changed with years of IC, granted his psychologist was an IDIOT, but still. It has never changed with years of MC. It will never change as long as the booze is there.
[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 1:37 PM, February 14th (Friday)]
I've learned that a husband needs to figure his own shit out with his own IC
Can I get an amen?
Seriously App you need to figure out your reasons for wanting to stay. If they have more to do with fear of change, then you need to rethink things. Living with a functional alcoholic that is mean because he can't deal is just setting yourself up for more abuse.
As for being his counselor, I am not, but I am trying to figure it all out for myself. He says counseling does not help him. Thing is, the VA psychologists (his counselors) will see him even while addicted to alcohol where private-practice ICs usually will not. There lies a problem.
Mom eventuallu went to Al-anon. Would you consider checking that out? If he is not going to help himself, you can still get some help for yourself. You cannot fix him. He is an alcoholic and needs help. And he will not stop until he hits rock bottom.
As for guilt when drinking -- that's definitely there. He has survivor's guilt from Iraq and guilt from cheating on me. He cries often.
Am I wasting my time?
I love(d) my STBXH so much it hurts. But at some point I had to love myself more. I just couldn't keep putting him before me when his actions showed me how little he put into me.
[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 4:39 PM, February 14th (Friday)]