"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Kasper posted 2/14/2014 16:26 PM

It's beet just over a month since my wife told.me she cheated on me. Currently serving in the Army in Hawaii. I wasn't married when I first got in over 3 years ago but in was engaged to my wife. I made a lot of single friends and one was my room mate for 6-7 months and we got close. I invited him over to the house during holidays cause he had no family and no where else to go. This went on for a good 2 years. Me and my wife had been fighting and she posted something on Fb. He started to text her asking if she was okay. He started to say he had feelings for her and wanted her to cheat on me with him and that it could be their little secret. She brought the messages to my attention and I brought it to his superiors and the contact was ended. Fast forward about a year and I bring my wife and kids to a Xmas party my unit is having. He sees her with a brace on her arm and she's not looking to well. She has a disease called Lupus. To long to describe so just Google it. It involves me having to take care of basically everything from work and the house and kids as well as her physical needs(not sexual). He continues to text her and asks again if she's okay an if I'm treating her well. She tells him it's none of his business and that he's not supposed to contact her. He claimed his command never said a word to him but he'll stop. Less than a month goes by and I go to a party with my wife a mutual friend me and him shared because he was going to another duty station. I was unaware he'd be there until he showed up. That night he texts her yet again. My wife keeps it from me though and continues.to text him for about a week behind my back. Now because of the demands I have placed on me from work, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, and her physical needs I don't get much if any time to myself working from 630am till 5-6. So when I get some down time i wanna play my Xbox and relax and distress from the day. I admitted I neglected my wife's emotional needs for about 2-3 weeks. This in turn caused her to feel distant from me which is why she kept the texts from me. On January 9th she had been talking to a friend who was getting a divorce because he husband was done with her. The next day she claimed that she was going over there to help her feel better. She left around 7pm. She didn't return till about 11 that night and acted as if nothing was wrong and I asked how she was.doing and she said her friend was fine. The next day we have a game day while our 5 yr old is at a friend's and the baby is sleeping. She acts strange all day an i ask what's wrong but she continues to say that nothing wrong and she's fine. That night were laying in bed and cuddling when she starts to act sad and holding me tight so again I ask what's wrong an if I did something. She says no and then I ask if she did something. She just stares at me so I know she did. Ask if it was a kiss and all that but she says no then I get to sex and again I get the look and I fucking lost it. Then I find out it was with the guy i was friends with and that for the 4 almost 5 hours she was gone the other night she went to see him. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life before and felt.like my heart had been ripped out. She claimed it meant nothing and it will never happen again and that she's sorry for doing this to us. And like the idiot I am I believed her. We went bed and I kept my distance from her. I was so emotional and hurt I couldn't stop her sexual advances to try and make me feel better. Afterwards i felt disgusted with myself and her. The next day she acts as if nothing happened. Meanwhile I'm on the couch all day crying trying to stop. I confronted the POS the next day at work and he was to scared to even say anything back to me. Things feel like they just went back to normal like nothing ever happened. For her anyway. I'm reminded it almost every day. I got the whole story from her and she claims she doesn't know why she let him take it that far but I don't believe her at all im still trying to figure out if i want to stay with her. What's to stop her from going to another guy when she feels like this again?

Kasper posted 2/14/2014 16:26 PM

Sry for it being so long.

Aceofbase posted 2/14/2014 16:45 PM

I think she is just in denial. I found out about my wife about 2 months ago, I felt the same way. It was like she didn't want to talk about it any more. Maybe she is afraid to talk about it because she thinks you will leave? Things have gotten better but like people say it is a roller-coaster.

Skan posted 2/14/2014 18:42 PM

Kasper, welcome. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to come find this site, but I am VERY glad that you did find us for support. We are all here to support you through this shit-storm called infidelity.

I'm going to give you a bit of homework because knowledge is power. And a lot, a whole lot, of what WS (wayward spouses, in your case a WW for wife) do and say, including this pretending that all is now well, is so very, very common, that one can almost predict what's going to happen next. This is good news for you because you can gain the painfully learned knowledge that a lot of people who have gone before you, have written down. Look at the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. In this forum, read any post that has a red 'target" next to it. You can usually find these articles in the first 3 pages they are bumped to the top a lot for newcomers.

I hate, hate to bring this up, but it is imperative for you and your health. On Monday, you need to call your doctor and ask for a full STD/HIV screening. Your WW needs to do the same and while ideally it would be best if you did not have any more sexual relations with her until you see by your own eyes, the negative results, if you do, use a condom. You must see the doctor's official notice or hear the results from the doctor's office. You cannot trust your WW to tell you the truth. She's proven already that she can lie and betray you remember that. It's going to be horrible, I know, but each and every one of us has also had to make that phone call. Sadly, your doctor's office probably won't even bat an eye.

You're also going to need to call the command of the OM and out him again. Hopefully, this time it will hurt him in the wallet or career-wise if he's also military.

In the meanwhile, please, take care of yourself and your children. That's your primary concern. I do have an idea of what Lupis is like and while I know that there may be things that you absolutely have to do, do nothing that is not mortally needed. Your WW has forfeited her right to have any spousal courtesies right now and possibly forever. She can step up to the plate and figure out how she needs to take care of herself just as if she were single, or a single parent. That is, after all, what the ultimate progression of her choices were leading her to become. Actions, meet consequences.

Come back often for support. We got your back.

ZedLeppelin posted 2/15/2014 00:06 AM

If you do not give a WS any consequences for their affair, they will not change their behavior.

First of all she is not remorseful. She may be sorry that she was caught, but if she was remorseful she'd be doing a lot more to help you heal. She took you for granted. You were doing all the work around the house and taking care of her. You playing the X-box does not justify her sleeping with another man. This is false equivalence and should be shut down the second she tries to bring it up.

Consequences:
1) Both of you go to doctor for STD. Until you are both cleared, do not have sex with her.
2) You go to a lawyer to see your options.
3) If she had enough energy/time to have an affair, then she has enough energy/time to start contributing to the family in terms of chores & helping with the children. No more entitlement.
4) Expose the OM to Work and his family. Destroy the affair by bringing it out from the "darkness". You have nothing to be ashamed of.
5) Implement 180.

Kasper posted 2/15/2014 01:53 AM

Thanks everyone for your help. Seems i have a lot to think about.....

MeanBean posted 2/15/2014 03:41 AM

I suggest you go straight to to the CPT and not his supervisor.

norabird posted 2/15/2014 09:12 AM

I'm so sorry Kasper. What you're experiencing now, we call rugsweeping. As you know the issue is still a problem for you, rightly so, but your wife (WW) doesn't want to address it or face consequences and so is just trying to pretend you can move on. After all it's in the past right?! Not so fast. Being betrayed is a type of trauma that your WW needs to help you heal from, and, as you say, if she does not address why she broke her vows and stabbed you in the back this way yes, it probably will happen again.

I think you both could use some IC (individual counseling) so you can have support through this hard time and so she can examine her actions.

If your WW won't go into IC or be sympathetic to your pain...this M seems like a lot of pain for little reward.

I'm so sorry you're here. But you sound strong and you will get through this with or without her. Just know that you did not deserve this and are worth so much more.

Kasper posted 2/16/2014 01:42 AM

I never thought she would cheat on me because of how much i did for her and our two kids. I had ample opportunities to cheat on her because of how much I was neglected during the months she was unable to care for herself but I knew the cost of it and It something i could never see myself doing to the one I loved. I went a good 4 months if not longer with no emotional support or gratitude from her. It got to the point where I broke down at work in front of my nco and he allowed me to take an extended amount of leave. I sacrificed a lot when it came to my military career to care for her and our family. We have a counseling session this coming Friday. Is it wrong that I want the person to look at my wife with complete disgust and ask wtf is wrong with you? After everything he's done for you this is how u repay him. My wife can no longer have kids because our last one almost killed her because of her disease so I got a vasectomy done to ensure it never happened and now I regret it......

Aceofbase posted 2/16/2014 08:27 AM

It is not wrong for you to ask that, is wrong to expect it. I just think that she is in the fog and wouldn't listen anyway. You need to expose the affair, do the 180 and wait for her to come out of the (fake reality called)fog.

I hear your pain. Please keep reading the healing library.

BAB61 posted 2/16/2014 12:25 PM

Sorry you are here. I'm sorry to say this, but I think you are just looking at the tip of the iceberg as it were. You need to do some serious investigation and find out if your WW and the POS OM have been in contact since the time you invited him over.

Talk to the JAG, and initiate 180. She needs to go NC with OM, if this doesn't happen then you need to start S/D proceedings. These can always be stopped, but get them started. Light a fire under her. Get yourself into IC (if it won't negatively impact your career - maybe talk to the chaplain)

(((Kasper)))

OK now posted 2/16/2014 16:33 PM

Your wife is one selfish human being and thats something you will have to live with for the rest of your marriage. Right now she is trying to sweep the affair under the rug and minimize the consequences.

As others have said your wife may cheat again unless she experiences consequences, such as a separation for a time. She is not remorseful and you need to shock into a realization that she could lose her marriage as a result of her adultery. Try moving out for a few months [or get her to leave]; that may bring home the seriousness of what she has done.

kalimata posted 2/16/2014 17:17 PM

Kasper:

It appears that your wife feels sorry for what happened. At least you got some of the truth out. However the sh*t-cake you are about to eat is only starting.

It will get worse unless you take more definitive action to STOP THE AFFAIR. Like others said:

1) Expose, expose, expose. Did you call her parents or your parents? Does OM have a wife or GF? If so expose to them too
2) Prepare D papers in case she continues to see the OM, so that you can file to shock her
3) Get her a new cell phone #. Block the OM's number from her new phone. Change her email address, block OM.
4) No more social media for her. She needs to give you the passwords
5) Post this guy on cheaterville. He needs to learn that his sleazy actions will have consequences and that you will not stand by like a doormat.

Can you ask to be transferred away so that your family is away from this piece-of-shyte OM?

Kasper posted 2/17/2014 03:07 AM

The guy she cheated on me with was in the process of leaving to another duty station and as far as I know she's had no contact with him. I check her phone records and her Facebook. Any contact and I've already explained that I will d her if it she contacts him or any other man in this way again. I want to leave everything for her to do but I'm not that kind of person. She's depended on me for almost 2 years to take care of everything. I'm about to be on two weeks of leave so I guess now will be the best time to start the 180. I'm hoping to bring apt out come this Friday in our session and I might pursue some ic for myself. She told me she used a condom so I don't think the std testing is necessary but I will demand it anyway to put myself at ease. As far as notifying his command before he left i decided not to. I'm getting out of the military through a chapter and my wife has to be social with he command and I respected her request for them to not know so as to not damage her reputation with them. Me and he om shared the same command team. I thank everyone for their help. The only side effects I've gotten from all of this is not being able to sleep till midnight and no trust what so ever in my ww.

william posted 2/17/2014 03:37 AM

you should STILL contact his chain of command. under the UCMJ adultry (even if you arent the married one) is a crime. they can charge him because your wife WAS married...

Brokenhearted88 posted 2/17/2014 03:43 AM

Hi sorry your in this horrible situation. I have the same auto-immune disease so understand how it can affect a family and daily needs etc. it's demanding. You are not in anyway shape or form to blame for this. Your WW is! Make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost because your kids need you healthy. I hope you find comfort here.

Also what's 180?

Hugs x

reallyscrewedup7 posted 2/17/2014 09:05 AM

Kasper

First, I am sorry for the pain. It sucks. This site is an excellent resource to help you heal. But keep in mind, helping you heal does not always mean healing for your marriage.

First, and I cannot tell you how many sailors I had to counsel when I was active duty, but I will tell you the exact same thing as I would have told them - You need to end their little fantasy permanently. File a complaint with your/his command. This "she has to be social with the command," stuff is really rationalization for your fear that if you expose him, she will retaliate.

You say you regret your vasectomy? You will regret it only a fraction of not putting the nail in the coffin of this affair.

There is no good reason no to expose him. You have a paper trail of him harassing her in the past. You need to take this opportunity now, or it will be wasted. And then, who the hell knows how she will keep in touch with him in the future. She is already on the rug-sweeping express, which is a direct ticket to Rekindleville for the affair.

And you need to see a lawyer. She has you locked down and she knows it. She should be frightened you will leave, but she is apparently very sure you are not capable of leaving her. That cannot end well for you.

Good luck to you soldier. This is a great site for healing if you are willing to use it. Regardless, strength and blessings to you. From a former Navy doc...

Brandon808 posted 2/17/2014 09:13 AM

She told me she used a condom so I don't think the std testing is necessary but I will demand it anyway to put myself at ease.

If I had a nickel for every time the WS said this only to admit they lied...

As far as notifying his command before he left i decided not to. I'm getting out of the military through a chapter and my wife has to be social with he command and I respected her request for them to not know so as to not damage her reputation with them.

Quite frankly she hasn't earned that respect. The OM's behavior was egregious and detrimental to the moral and welfare of his fellow service members. He will do it again. Please report him.

And please stop protecting her from her actions. She's certainly not showing you the same consideration.

TheWrongedMan posted 2/18/2014 01:33 AM

Hi, just wanted to offer some help as am also a month in though am slightly different as wife fessed up straight away and we have been working together on why this happened.

Anyway, when she found this it was like a eureka moment and she bought the book and read it all, which really helped. I'm not saying you should do the same, but hopefully you can get some insight into your wife's malaise via my wife's 'honesty'. I hope this helps, it seems to be a common 'condition' and my wife had nothing to gain from paying for the book, reading it all straight away and admitting that most of it applied to her, so it would appear to be an honest account of womens' motivations and a lot of it made sense to me too. It's quite scathing about women in general! Good luck...

http://womensinfidelity.com

[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 1:36 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

kalimata posted 2/18/2014 07:42 AM

my wife has to be social with he command and I respected her request for them to not know so as to not damage her reputation with them

THIS IS COMPLETE BS. She doesn't want anyone to know because she is ashamed of what she did and wants to keep it a secret.

Affairs thrive in the darkness. EXPOSE THE LIGHT and the A will wither away and die.

Else you will suffer months and months of the OM and your WW continuing to contact each other.

TELL YOUR COMMAND ABOUT THIS AFFAIR!!!!! Let the other man eat sh*t.