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t/j initiating sex

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143ANF posted 2/14/2014 17:52 PM

He built up a lot of resentment towards me because he would want to do it, but would not show me any signs, but still expected me to initiate. Since I was not a mind reader, I didn't and mentally he would hold it against me. It was an ugly cycle that I had NO idea was going on in his head.


One of the reasons he used for walking out again was because I wasn't initiating sex with him. I did not know I was supposed to when he spent 4-5 evenings a week on his Xbox or PC. I am flesh, blood, and feelings. I need a lead up, attention, affection.
The Xbox and PC are plastic and impersonal. Was I expected to compete for his attention?

He would come to bed when I was already asleep, a very sound sleeper. I wouldn't respond to his advances, so to him, that meant I was rejecting him.

And this is what he said made him lose interest in me and our relationship, because I wasn't initiating during his downtime and wasn't responding when I was asleep.
It's just incomprehensible to me.

BAB61 posted 2/14/2014 20:19 PM

My STBX said that about me, that I never initiated sex .. so?? His idea of foreplay was "I'm going to bed." I thought that meant he was tired, I didn't know it was code for "let's get it on!" .. doh .. yeah .. not a mind-reader either!

Pass posted 2/14/2014 22:07 PM

During false reconciliation, I told The Princess that I was the only one who ever initiated any love, affection, or sex. It lead to this conversation:

The Princess: That's not true at all.

Me: Of course it is. Think of a single instance in which you initiated an I-love-you, a hug, a kiss, a cuddle, sex.

The Princess: Well you can't expect me to name a single time...

Me: Every single day when you leave for work, I hug you, kiss you, and tell you I love you. I do the same when you arrive home. I initiated sex on our anniversary, on your birthday, on my birthday, every time we did it last week, every time we've ever done it - except for when you're drunk. I don't expect you to agree to it every time, but when you're the only person initiating, you're also the only person who gets rejected. And that feels pretty shitty.

The Princess: Traditionally, it is the man's job to initiate sex.

Me: Holy fucking shit! You did not just say that! Traditionally it is also the woman's job to do all the cooking and cleaning. Just let me know when you want to adopt more traditional roles.

At that point, she stamped her foot, and petulantly said, "I AM NOT COLD!"

And she was right. She's not cold with anyone else. She just was with me.

scarednbroken posted 2/14/2014 22:57 PM

My WH says the same of me. I don't initiate bc he usually rebuffs me. He is only interested if he is interested. My wants don't come into play. And if I am sick, hurting, sad, or any other way unavailable I am a cold fish. Usually he only initiates on days I can't. And he knows I can't. So he wants me to just take care of him.... Well I never get the same nicities when he's unable, so... I say no. And then I become a bad wife bc I don't take care of his needs. :( so find someone who will right? Dang. Can't help if I'm female and not pregnant can I? Or I caught the flu. Or I'm having a bad asthma day. Lately tho it's self preservation bc of the possibility of getting sick from him.

The WS I think is so self focused they really couldn't care less about their spouses feelings or needs. It's of small consequence to #1

outside4me posted 2/14/2014 23:31 PM

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

outside4me posted 2/14/2014 23:31 PM

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

outside4me posted 2/14/2014 23:31 PM

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

outside4me posted 2/14/2014 23:32 PM

D'oh... sorry about the computer hiccups!

StillGoing posted 2/15/2014 01:18 AM

I don't expect you to agree to it every time, but when you're the only person initiating, you're also the only person who gets rejected. And that feels pretty shitty.

This is pure fucking gold, sir. Pure fucking gold.

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

This, otoh, is a pretty shitty thing to say. I don't fuck my wife to blow off steam, and there are times she just wants some lube so we can go right at it.

People like to fuck, whether or not they have a dick attached, and people have FEELINGS, also whether or not they have a dick attached.

eta:

I capslocked FEELINGS because I have a dick attached and I can't help but subscribe to certain social expectations and predispositions on an emotional scale, even if intellectually I'm something something something intelligible point.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 1:22 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]

Ostrich80 posted 2/15/2014 03:35 AM

I don't expect youto agree to it every time, but when you're the only person initiating, you're also the only person who gets rejected. And that feels pretty shitty

Reason #102 why I'm in a sexless marriage by choice now

nekorb posted 2/15/2014 07:14 AM

This was a huge issue for us as well.

WH felt rejected because I wasn't responding to all of his advances, so he said he was going to let me initiate instead.

That was in 2008. He hasn't initiated sex since 2008. I don't count, "do I you want to have sex?".

Thing is...he didn't want me to initiate. He wanted me to beg.
At least that's how it felt.

I'd plan a sex date for after dinner, and he'd be watching tv in bed and I'd tell him as soon as I was out of the shower I'd be ready!

I'd come out and there'd be nothing done to prepare...no music, no fixing the bed...nothing. He'd just be sitting there half asleep or with his laptop out and wouldn't even flinch or make a move like 10minutes earlier I hadn't said I was freshening up for our sex date.

Mind boggling.

I'm sure he perceived it all very differently.

simplydevastated posted 2/15/2014 10:33 AM

I did not know I was supposed to when he spent 4-5 evenings a week on his Xbox or PC. I am flesh, blood, and feelings. I need a lead up, attention, affection.The Xbox and PC are plastic and impersonal. Was I expected to compete for his attention?

This is my husband. He's always on that damn box. I hate it Him and his friends complain about their wives and say "they wonder why we're on the xbox so much."

I initiated sex each time. If I didn't the kids wouldn't be here. I always had to compete for his attention. Sometimes I didn't even realize it. I chalked it up to being a hobby

I'm sorry you're going through this is as well.

PS. I wonder if our husbands play their games together...

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 7:13 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

143ANF posted 2/15/2014 12:35 PM

SD

PS. I wonder if our husbands play their games together...

They just may be.

A typical Friday and Saturday night, the games would begin around 9PM and not end until at least 2-3AM. During the week, if he had an overnight for work the night before, his priority was getting back on that Xbox to play with his friends, not spending time with me or having sex.

I would say I'll miss the sex but how can I miss something I wasn't getting enough of anyways?

sueaug posted 2/15/2014 12:59 PM

the internet has a lot to answer for games, facebook etc. then there is the tv - football, sport - sex - no chance

silverhopes posted 2/15/2014 13:08 PM

We had the same struggle. He also was rather attached to the PS3. Also the pot. Right now he is 15 days clean from pot (yay!) so we've been much more delicate lately. I stopped initiating a long time ago because, as someone else said, it sucked being the one who always got rejected. Plus, if he was saying no to sex often (even when he was having EAs or watching porn), then I would feel like I was assaulting or at minimum harassing him if I asked. We're both survivors of sexual assault, and he's only recently been opening up about his. Because of that reason, and because he won't talk about our sexuality and work on communicating when and how sex feels OK for him (and instead explodes with anger sometimes and seems to enjoy it other times), I don't think I will initiate with him again. Can't risk making him relive bad memories of his abuse and feeling violated again, and can't risk him making me feel dirty or perverted or unworthy for wanting sex (this was a part of the aftermath of the abuse I went through, shaming). Can't risk making either of us feel worse.

simplydevastated posted 2/15/2014 19:19 PM

A typical Friday and Saturday night, the games would begin around 9PM and not end until at least 2-3AM. During the week, if he had an overnight for work the night before, his priority was getting back on that Xbox to play with his friends, not spending time with me or having sex.

That's my husband's every day. He's on it right now and will be on it all night. Depending on the game he'll be on it until the early am hours. Sometimes he'll be off by midnight. But he had made it abundantly clear that his gaming friends and his games are more important than us.

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