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So my poor ex is now the victim in all this

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jemimapd posted 2/14/2014 21:44 PM

And it is driving me crazy.

All the little comments and lines about how broke he is and how he can't afford anything and how I live in luxury e.g.

"It must be nice to live a life of luxury on the back of my hard labor."

I don't say anything but it really, really is starting to bug me for two reasons:

1. It isn't true. He didn't get "ripped off" in our divorce. He got a house paid for and a very big check which he has torn through spending like a lunatic in two months. Massages every week, big screen television, computer, best tv and wireless providers, paying people to do things in the house that he is perfectly capable of doing himself but he wanted them done because he has to have it all right now.

Also, he hasn't worked as hard as he could recently, preferring to spend his time in his new house instead of with clients. So one of his biggest clients is not happy with him right now. When I was married to him I kept him on track which of course meant he was nagged and deserved an affair.

There are so many things that I need done in what is now my house thanks to the fact he did zero maintenance and I couldn't afford to get it done before because I was always bailing him out. But I am saving like crazy to build up an emergency fund and replenish the $ I had to give him.

He left the marriage with way more than he brought in to it and I left with way less, not counting the money I spent on him during the marriage, but somehow he is the victim. It is ludicrous and very annoying to hear.

2. He is using this poor me argument, I think, to establish some sort of "clean slate".

So... Yes, he had an affair (he will never admit to more than one) but I did so well in the divorce that he will have to live in poverty for the rest of his life..... so things are all square now.

He acts as if he has given me something. He gave me zero. It was an agreed financial settlement and he had an attorney. But no, he has got the raw end of the deal. He always does. It is always someone else's fault.

It is this attempt to rewrite history and portray things completely untruthfully that drives me crazy. And I have a feeling it will never stop

lifestoshort posted 2/14/2014 21:52 PM

I totally understand. i have the same scenario. its so childish but also makes it easy to never ever want to look back.

they play cause somehow they feel entitled for all the crap and therefore blame you for all their faults. and then yell at you for deciding to bake away when the fire is too hot.
so insane. dont even play the game. you will get no where

devistatedmom posted 2/14/2014 21:53 PM

It sucks, I know. Try reframing your thinking, and come up with some pat answers when he says this shit directly to you.

"I'm sorry you feel this way."

My favourite to my XH was always, "That is a consequence to your actions." or "You should have thought of that before you left for the whore." (ok, I don't recommend THAT

Stop letting it drive you crazy. Did you rip him off in the D? No. You got what was due to you for the years of marriage AND all the work YOU put in over the years, to the marriage, to your job whether that was outside of the house or in the house. You know you didn't do anything wrong, it's a consequence to his actions. Just smile and think, Poor Ducky. Then have a glass of wine.

Nature_Girl posted 2/14/2014 21:53 PM

He's a weenie.

dmari posted 2/14/2014 22:14 PM

What is with these WS's and their victim mentality? Are you kidding me? He may never stop but soon his crying will roll off you like water on a duck. You just continue moving forward and enjoy your life!

roarlouder posted 2/14/2014 22:22 PM

Omg ... Yes I hear how he has money now which is BS. He's quite, quite comfortable. And feeling so sorry for himself today...lonely and single on valentines day. Or so he'd have me believe anyway. Vomit.

jemimapd posted 2/14/2014 22:37 PM

What is with these WS's and their victim mentality? Are you kidding me? He may never stop but soon his crying will roll off you like water on a duck. You just continue moving forward and enjoy your life!

That is it: he is te victim in all this. His attitude is basically, "Yes, I made a mistake but I have paid for it way more than I deserved and you are in a great place. Poor me, me, me."

He never asks if I need money or offers to contribute to DD6's extras and I have no doubt that before long the CS (which is is at the low end of the scale) will be late and short. It is all about him. And somehow these things just happen to him. Who knows how he got to be broke, how he got through all that money, it just happened by some mysterious process that had nothing to do with him.

Maybe after time it will be noise in the background.

SBB posted 2/14/2014 23:03 PM

And I have a feeling it will never stop.

I will give you a gift right now - it WILL NEVER stop. Accept it. Surrender to it.

You cannot control it. You cannot control any of his fuckery.

And it is driving me crazy.

But you CAN control how much you let it impact you. You are listening to the words of a crazy, deluded person. Deal with them appropriately i.e.: IGNORE.

Work on figuring out ways to block his ability to spew this shit at you. Like any parasite you have to block their entry points.

Don't be in his presence. Insist on all comms via email/text. Block his email/text if he continues to do it in writing and insist he contact you via a third party because you've blocked him.

YOU know the truth. Use that to comfort yourself like a blanket.

He will never 'get it' - there are no magic words or aha moments for him because he is choosing to be blind. Further, you'll drive yourself crazy trying.

Trust me. I almost drove myself crazy trying. Lots of us do.

nowiknow23 posted 2/14/2014 23:14 PM

Poor little lamb.

Honey - you have to let it go. You can't control what he thinks or says. You can drive yourself insane trying, but it won't get you anywhere other than crazytown.

ps - No one of any import will believe his victim act.

yestopants posted 2/14/2014 23:40 PM

I am dealing with the same's incredible. The loser has everything we own minus our clothes and an iPad. He feels cheated because I have an iPad???? which is basically the kids.... (he know this). They always feel so hard done by it does not matter what it is or the monetary value of anything. At the core of things they hate their choices but they are too cowardly to admit it, so them blame us. SBB said to me once Boo fucking Whoo,,, and that has stuck. Boo fucking whoo he doesn't like it. Well consequences suck and who better to know than a BS. We pick up the pieces, put our lives and our children's lives back together all because they made bad choices. We aren't victims, we do these things cause we are strong and well beyond what they deserve. so again Boo fucking who....he needs to get off his sorry ass and do something for himself for once.
I am just pissed that they are all the same, not special. No pity parties here. Maybe OW would have some sympathy....I guess that is why AP have magic private parts???
FTG! You are the magic one! he lost all his magic when he ditched you. You walked away with the best stuff! YOU.

stuckinthetunnel posted 2/15/2014 07:16 AM

I swear there must be a book out there titled HOW TO BE A DOUCH BAG SAD SAP AFTER YOU SCREW OVER YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, and each and every one of them have read it.

word. for. word.

I would like to write a book titled KISS MY ASS YOU SELF ENTITLED POS....and dedicate it to every one of them.

tesla posted 2/15/2014 07:28 AM

Ex-shat is like this. Ever the victim.

I'll never forget a couple of weeks out from d-day, he asked me to "cut him some slack" because he was having a hard time with whatever bullshit it was at the moment.

I was so pissed. I told him that he deserved every bit of the shit he was reaping and only had himself to blame.

Now, I wish I could tell you that he got it and is now an upstanding co-parent...ummmm...have you seen any of my threads lately? That victim mentality is still in full effect two years out. (Honestly, it's been in full effect his entire life.)

So here's what changed: I do not give a fuck about his problems. He throws out the occassional text looking for sympathy here and there...whatevs. Eventually you'll get there as well. But it will require that you accept that he is a pathetic, whiny piece of shit. And once you have accepted that, you'll tend to avoid stepping in it.

[This message edited by tesla at 7:28 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]

solus sto posted 2/15/2014 07:34 AM

Yeah, Trac-Fone is in Perma-Victim mode, too.

I think one of the last chapters in the Wayward Handbook addresses this phenomenon. You know, Post-Marital Douchebaggery.

Really, the sense of entitlement never quits.

jemimapd posted 2/15/2014 08:58 AM

You people really get it. I keep thinking that once he gets the whining out of his system it will stop.... No, this is the new reality.

When I think about it, he needs to blame me and the divorce because otherwise it would be HIM that would be to blame for his current situation:

His serial adultery
His failure to take any action to reconcile despite me giving him almost a year to get out of the fog
His failure to ever save a dime
His spending on multiple OW
His "kid in a candy" store approach to financial management ie. spend everything right now on shiny things
His failure to wait and save up for anything. He has to have it now. Hence his credit card debt that I'm no longer there to pay off for him
His failure to get out of bed and go to work every day because he "gets so tired".
His decision to buy a bigger house for status which also happens to be The House Of Mold. He could have bought a smaller house that wasn't a wreck but that wouldn't have suited his ego.

When he got his house, the emails for Direct TV and his wireless service came through to the business email account. So I got to see how fast he organized that. In contrast, the shower in our bathroom, has been leaking for 6 years. Did I mention he is a contractor?

norabird posted 2/15/2014 09:25 AM

Maybe the mold has entered his brain....except that would require it to have been in working order to begin with.

One day it will just be a spectacle to eat popcorn over. Preferably from those luxurious solid gold bowls he assumes you must dine off!

Ashland13 posted 2/15/2014 09:31 AM

This is so common. And both men and women do it who are WS. FWiW.

What I am understanding about Perv/X is that he, like many do, has rewritten his life in both marriage and beyond. He has rewritten it in a way that allows him to look in the mirror every day and deal with himself and all that he did.

I don't know your x, but here, it is not his failings, rather it is the failings of life to him both that I did-I did nothing-and life did to him-not his bad choices. This I know because crap is still happening to him and he is blaming it on anything, from the sun, to the moon and rain to kids, one of which is a baby. Can you imagine?

If they think of what they did during their affairs, wouldn't they have to admit they did wrong things? That isn't acceptable. Not to Perv.

If they can be "poor me", they do not have to be who they really are. If they can blame others, they can pretend it is happening to them, rather than happening by their doing.

It is a coping mechanism.

Threnody posted 2/15/2014 09:41 AM

I'm evil. All I can think of is if he's sending this crap via email, you should copy and paste "10 Steps to Financial Security" sorts of web pages into your responses.

I know. Not a good solution.

But so deliciously tempting.

poison1916 posted 2/15/2014 11:00 AM

My WS is being the same way in our separation.

I'm trying to be reasonable and work out the details. Shes off in fantasy land. She has spent $400 out of the joint checking account since d-day. That money is needed to pay the mortgage. She cheated, she wrecked another's home in the process. Now she wants me to just give her everything and walk away? I'm the bad guy for separating after she told me she was leaving me?

They are the unreasonable ones. I'm trying hard not to feel bad about what needs to be done. It's very hard. We did nothing wrong.

At the same point there are some things I want to do just to spite her. Example, I was going to cancel the car insurance on Valentines day yesterday. In NY if you cancel the insurance you have to remove the plates and registration from the vehicle. I was going to just do it, cancel it and remove the plates while she was at work. After working it through I decided that would be stooping to her level. I instead filled out the paperwork for her to register the car in her own name with her own insurance (still jointly owned so she cant pull a fast one). Took her out for breakfast and handed her the paperwork. "The insurance is over as of Tuesday. Don't drive the car without getting this paperwork filed or it is a felony, you could go to jail." I feel I compromised with myself half way between being a jerk and being the better person.

From what I read you got what you deserved. He got what he deserved. He is ONLY looking for MORE ways to hurt you. Don't fall into the trap.

edit: deserve is being used in regards to finances

[This message edited by poison1916 at 11:01 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]

newlysingle posted 2/15/2014 12:45 PM

Oh yes, the Gnat is the perpetual victim as well. The world is against him and he brings none of it onto himself.

His latest "woes me" debacle is showing up for DD's school events. He says he can't attend because the other parents look down on him and make him uncomfortable. Poor guy feels uncomfortable after making a ton of shit choices.

GingerAle posted 2/15/2014 12:47 PM

its so childish but also makes it easy to never ever want to look back.

That's a really good point.

"It must be nice to live a life of luxury on the back of my hard labor."

This literally made me lol! I know it's probably not funny to you (it wouldn't be to me if my WH said it), but looking from the outside in, we can see the utter stupidity of that statement. He will always be a loser and a victim.

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