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I've never posted my story and usually try to help... But in short, my husband had a two year affair with a former ho-worker. They would have sex in parking lots - so classy. When this started my youngest was 2 and I had a 4 year old with autism. I found out a year ago about the affair. We get into an argument tonight and he says "What are you doing to work on you?"

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?? I'm still married to your cheating ass and it takes me medication to get through the day. It's these moments where I wonder - am I a fool??

Sorry, just a vent.....

[This message edited by cliffside at 10:17 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

:( I'm sorry. That was not cool. What is HE doing to work on himself & help you?

He's in therapy, so that's the context. But really? Ummm, we're here because YOU cheated asshole!

((((cliffside))))

Sounds like somebody still buys their wayward self love story. I have said it before and i will say it again, the betrayed does 1000 times the work the wayward does, even if you both sit in a room and stare at each other and say nothing for the remainder of your lives. You have to get over emotional torture and abuse, they do not. You have to accept broken trust, they do not. You have to recover from ptsd, they do not. You have to get through mind movies, they do not. You have to listen to their lies, blame, excuses, fog, stories of their lovely affair partners, none of which you should ever have to do.

So the next time your wayward spouse asks what you are doing to improve yourself you simply say, "i'm spending all my time and energy trying to heal. If you ask me again what i am doing to improve, you will have taken my healing off the table for your own selfish wants, and thats not acceptable to me."

For now, if you think hes still serious about R, then i would do some 180 on him. Remind him that he is here because you are allowing him in your life, and show him what life without you would be like. If he asks why you are so cold tell him "im improving myself."

I hate the entitlement waywards think they have. They f*ck around, f*ck your mind up, maybe for life, then expect you to bend over backwards for their cheating a$$????? Gimme a break.

Right now I'm working on finding the motivation to stay married. That's PLENTY!

Best of luck outside, very tougjh decision no matter which way you go, and very difficult for anyone to face...stay strong and healthy. God bless.

Maybe tell him you'll start by working out your upper-cut on his face.

Bad joke, but....he would kinda deserve it.

(((Hugs)))

You should've told him that every day you look at him and DONT stab a knife into his chest is a demonstration of the work you're doing on yourself...What a selfish asshole....

I've never posted my story and usually try to help...

Then I'm very glad that you came here today cliffside - please do lean on us when you have a bad day. We all want to offer you some support too.

(((cliffside)))

I would say the fact that he's not out on his ass is all the work he needs from you right now.

"What are you doing to work on you?"

Rude and insensitive, yes. Blameshifting, yes.

Now, from someone else, I have a question for you.

"What are you doing to work on you?"

What are you doing for yourself, to figure out what you want to be, who you want to be, where you want to go in this life?

Are you in counseling? Have you looked at what you want your life to be like in 5 years? Have you taken steps to get there?

Thank you all for the support -it means a lot. I am in IC and I'm definitely going to start the 180.

I've done a lot of soul searching the past few months. I've started to lay out a plan but I've found out so many disturbing things about my in-laws it's like finding out I married into a huge lie. I honest to God believe I could get an annulment because what I was told (not just by my husband, but his whole family) and the reality are so far from each other. Model church going "we're so close" is actually a family of emotional, physical abusers who brought a pedophile priest on vacation with them every year. That's just a brief summary.

These people never cease to amaze me....

EXACTLY what TrustedHer just stated.

It is so effing unfair that the betrayed has been put in this position. You were unilaterally abandoned in your marriage....emotionally and physically, and now you have work to do to get back to a point that you should never have been knocked down from.

My advice--continue to work on yourself. Work so that you are comfortable in your own skin. Work to a point that you know...THROUGH AND THROUGH...that you will be okay in your life, whether this marriage makes it or not.

When you reach that point, your outlook will be different. You can make clear choices, and take clear actions that will benefit yourself. That will even make your WH work harder if he wants to save his marriage, because that last bit of uncertainty in his mind---the thought if you would be okay without him---will be removed once and for all.

You can come out of this a happy person again. A stronger person. I don't wish infidelity on anyone, but we can definitely learn and change from our experiences.

I'm sorry, Cliffside.

This is a clever tactic that's used to turn the tables. It's thoughtless of a BS feelings but common, I'm sorry to say.

In some ways it's smart because it diffuses attention from them and shifts it to you. But it sucks to be on the receiving edge. Don't answer.

Where's that box of crickets?

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 11:19 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]