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EB1541 posted 2/15/2014 00:40 AM

I am at my wits end! My WH(dday was jan. 2) is a complete A**hole. He did absolutely nothing for me today. And to top it off he is out with his friends. I told him it makes me mad and sad but he still went out. Now he is giving me the whole, "Valentine's Day is just another day" speech. I figured he'd put at least a little effort this year even though he has never done anything for any other Valentine's Day, but I was wrong!

[This message edited by EB1541 at 12:50 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]

stillhere09 posted 2/15/2014 01:54 AM

I'm so sorry. I remember before D-Day, I didn't make a fuss over holidays. I said that I didn't need special treatment, as long as he was by my side. After D-Day, it was a different story. He learned I needed special treatment then. I think it was in my mind that he would be giving special treatment to her if she was still in his life, and so he'd better remember me. It was kind of a confirmation that I was his one & only. Also, it made for romantic times, and that's important when you are in R.

What bothers me is the fact that he's out with friends! On Valentine's Day. At this hour. ... Very suspicious, and a definite red flag.

I read your profile. I hate to tell you this, but the last paragraph of your profile describes a man who is manipulating you to be quiet and tolerant of whatever he wants to do, including having an affair, if he so chooses.

You've been married less than a year! Your son is just a baby. You want this to work out. That's understandable. However, consider this: You have not invested years together, you are young, and most of all, your child is too young to know and understand what is going on. A baby would adjust to a new lifestyle easily in comparison to what an older child would go through. If you do build a new life for yourself and your child at any point in your life, wouldn't this be the best time to do so?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Ostrich80 posted 2/15/2014 03:29 AM

You sure he's NC? That doesn't sound like a R man to me. I'm sorry he wasn't there for you today. I don't expect much on Val day but at least be home..geez

nekorb posted 2/15/2014 07:24 AM

Honey are you in R or are you leaving this guy?

norabird posted 2/15/2014 08:56 AM

No wonder you are hurt! I think it's time to 180 this selfish jerk...stop telling him how his actions affect you, detach and focus on you and your beautiful baby.

jb3199 posted 2/15/2014 09:06 AM

That doesn't sound like a R man to me.


Are you going to continue to allow this behavior? I would let him know that his continued behavior is guiding you right out of the marriage.

And then I would work on just that. I am not saying "Divorce his ass tomorrow!!", but I am saying that this behavior is not a reconcilable behavior....and you only are left with (2) options--to accept it, or not.

EB1541 posted 2/15/2014 13:09 PM

Thanks everyone. He ended up coming home at 1:30 am and a little drunk. I told him to sleep on couch and I would talk to him in the morning. We'll this morning he went to get us breakfast and was avoiding the subject as much as possible. So I told him that if he wants to be in this relationship he needs to stop going out unless I'm with him and needs to more transparent. He agreed and claimed he really was with just friends. I told him either way it was wrong, he shouldn't have left me and my son home alone. He got defensive which shows he was lying. I told him the next time he goes out and leaves us alone, we won't be here when he comes home. It felt good to lay down the law a little.

BAB61 posted 2/15/2014 14:21 PM

I haven't read your profile, but from what I've read here, it sounds like he's cake-eating. Keeping you at home, and going out and getting cake. I agree that he it sounds like he is not doing any work towards R, just going on like nothing happened.

imho you need to 180 him, start looking at what you will and will not accept. I had a friend tell me after I announced my D that her husband cheated on her (in her words, every couple of years) throughout her marriage. She accepted that, and continues to stay married to him.

I could not do that, it shows a complete lack of respect and true commitment to me.

Have you read the Healing Library? It's in the yellow box on the upper left of the screen. Please do so.

Melian40 posted 2/15/2014 15:58 PM

He's lying.
Put a VAR on him and get the facts.

twitching posted 2/15/2014 19:58 PM

If you said you will be gone when he leaves like that next time, then make a plan. Follow through. Make him come home to a cold and silent home and wonder where you are. He will test that...get a plan for it.

Nature_Girl posted 2/15/2014 21:03 PM

You are totally being played for a fool. I'm so sorry.

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