"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Ex didn't question going with the standard visitation agreement. Of course, at the time he was so wrapped up with being with his soulmate shmoopie that he had ignored both boys for months already.
What the reality turned out to be - I stay out of whatever relationship the boys have with their dad. All communication is between them, unless it involved finances (medical/insurance expenses mostly). Younger son did a couple of overnights at his dad's the 1st year, but nothing since. Both boys went on vacation with their dad/OW once, to visit family on ex's side, and came home swearing they'd never do that again. And now, once or twice a month, the boys will have lunch with their dad, or go over to his/now-wifetress' house for the afternoon.
It's not anything I ever discussed with their dad, but it seems we were both on the same page about letting the boys decide when and how they wanted to spend time with their dad. It could be I'm being way too generous here, and giving ex credit for something he never even thought about. But hey, what we've been doing works for my kids, and that's what's important to me.
Now the x hardly ever follows the schedule, he is rarely ever on time to pick them up, refuses to take them, claims he is working when he isn't, but he knows I can't afford to take him to court over it. That been said he threaten on a weekly basis of legal action because I don't follow the court orders when the kids refuse to go with him.
I really wished we had the flexibility of kids choosing once they get to a certain age of who they want to visit/live with. The kids hate going to their fathers.
Oldest DS is now 15 he goes through periods where he refuses to go and wants nothing to do with his father. I get caught in the middle of their drama even though I try my hardest to stay out of it. I am always the 'bad guy', either I am breaking the court orders by allowing him not to go and stay home or the ex believes I am turning his children against him if I stay out of it.
Good luck this is so hard.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Now, DS 17 rarely goes for the overnights. DD14 goes most of the time. Both kids beg off the dinners during the week as much as possible.
It makes me tough on me because most of the time they beg off at the last moment...so I think I only have to cook for me, then at 4pm I find out one of both kids are staying. Of course he loves it when I look a little annoyed at the situation, and plays on it to the kids that I don't "want" them here. I keep asking the kids to please tell me in advance, not at the moment I think they are going, but they don't get it.
So, if I were you starting this with a 15yo, I would ask 15yo what they would like, and that is what I would put in the papers. Just know, at this age, it probably won't be consistent or smooth. older teens have jobs, projects, homework, girl/boyfriends, and just stuff going on with friends. If my XH lived close by, it might be different, but with the way it is...I try to let the kids work it out with him. It does and doesn't always work.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
But my 16 year old has a lot of pull in my opinion. Fro example it is my weekend with the kids, but my 16 y.o. Wanted to go to NYC with his mom for her birthday, so I let him.
He is going to be trying to get his license in the next few months, so I assume he will make some of his own choice once he can drive. He's a pianist, and I assume he will be going to the house with the piano to practice no matter whose night it is.
So definitely work with your child to figure out what they need, if your ex is also on the same page about this.
The parties agree to be flexible regarding the parenting schedule and will communicate weekly for the purpose of arranging time for DD15 and father to have time together depending on everyone's schedule. In the event the parties cannot agree, the father shall have time with DD15 the first Saturday of each month.
I know....very loose but what I wanted as I think it will work best for us - unless he goes bat shit crazy. I think initially he will be too wrapped up in OW to do much of anything and with DD15 anxiety and depression we need flex time!
First 2 years almost nothing. No overnights except for 1 weekend camping. About every other Saturday they now go have lunch or a movie.
DS16 has not met OW#3. Still says he will never meet her.
I am not involved at all with their schedule. STBXH calls DS on his cell phone and arranges. DS16 does not "ask" me, just lets me know if has made plans with his father.
Holidays are the same. This past Christmas was the first time DS even saw his father on Christmas. For a total of 30 minutes! First holiday since D-day they even saw each other.
STBXH lives 5 miles away, but a million miles from our lives.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
I am hoping that parenting plans can take many forms.