Well, that's something I never want to have to do again! And yet I'm almost sad that, in fact, I won't do it again because my next apartment will be mine and I will not move out of it, knowing what I do now about how hard it is to be vulnerable. And that new apartment is one he will never see, and I will never see the next place he lives.
I left the few mementos from our time together stuck inside a book I gave him for his birthday last year. He had written that he loved me on the title page. When is the next time I will trust someone enough to give them a million thoughtful presents? I did that for him both years we were together and now it just makes me feel stupid. And will he open the book and find them, and be as hurt by the loss of the love we had as I am?
I really want to find an email from him in my trash folder. something deeply apologetic and sad. Something so I don't feel that I am the only one mourning or the only one who was in love. There's just something awful in the finality. I guess maybe I secretly hoped he would put a stop to very thing. It's funny because I wouldn't even have not moved everything out at this point. Knowing what I do about his actions...I know he is off the table. But I still wish that the version of him I knew initially could be proved to be the real McCoy and could trounce the lying, insecure, selfish, hateful person who it turned out predominated.
Now it's just about accepting that it's over I guess. Today I saw my new apartment with the broker and a good friend who came with has agreed to move in as my roommate. Thn on the walk home I saw the first snowdrops of the season, poking out of a melting snowpile. New beginnings. I know that's what's best, just need to get through grieving / desperately clinging to what I believed was my future.
Thanks to all the SI folks who are making it easier.