I know some of you have read my previous post and I have gotten alot of kind,Encouraging words and some good advice too. I had been having a hard time dealing with my emotions and stress including suicidal thoughts. I have had suicidal thoughts 2 times now since DDAY. I am going to IC and it helps. I have decided to not do the meds, but it is something to keep an eye on.
Instead I am trying to focus more on myself and the 180. Who would of thought it was so Damn hard to put myself first?
I am feeling pretty good right now.
The night before Valentine's a friend of WS took him out for a drink to make up for his birthday he missed. When he asked me, instead of what might have been a more typical response after DDAY, I said.... okay. And went on with whatever I was doing. I didn't call him or text him, didn't ask where he was going. Instead I stayed home and just relaxed, after the kids went to sleep I was able to just sit back and enjoy the silence. Did it ever cross my mind of what he was doing? Yes. But then I would redirect myself back to me. He came home and woke me up, kept telling me he wanted to talk to me even though I didn't want to. So I was just like okay what is it. He started crying telling me he feels horrible. That he felt disgusting being at a bar, that he couldn't stop thinking of me, checking his phone. That he was just wishing he got a babysitter and took me with him.Then he really broke down saying That he realized he hasn't "really" been there for me. That he use to think he was by coming home to me,paying bills..ect. He just kept repeating it over and over that he wasn't really there.
One of our coupled friends is expecting their first baby. Well the baby is 2 days late and the expected father went out with WS too for a drink. Apparently he was trying to give him advice. He said it reminded him a little of himself in the past and didn't realize how dumb he has been.
The reason I am typing this? Because I feel like I have entered into this new step. I did not coddle him. I held him back when he was holding me. But I did not tell him it's ok. I did not see him in pain and just wrap him up in my arms and make it all better. I let him keep feeling the pain. I was there for him but just in a different way. This has probably been the biggest moment of his self discovery since all this. But I did not let that mean that he has changed. I know now that it will not take one time. It will not take one big sorry or apology. That I will not just hand him my trust again. That he is going to need to do more after discovering this. That my trust is a gift and it's something he is going to have work really hard for. Shouldn't it be that way in The first place? Not sure why so many of us just give it to someone because we love them and expect them to treasure it the same way we would. But anyways. I like this 180. It's NOT easy all the time and I'm sure I will slip a few times durring this process but as of right now I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. I feel worthy, and if he chooses to let the best thing that happened to him ( me
) go then that will be HIS loss not mine.