"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Elaine2012 posted 2/15/2014 11:26 AM

Background when someone has hurt my feelings I tend to shut down and not reply. As I'm trying to learn from my past and make appropriate changes I need some feed back on the best way to handle a situation.

I have a very good married friend who has been beyond supportive. Wednesday she asked me to attend a Valentine's Day church dance with her. There would be a band that would be playing. She was going to sing a couple of songs with them. I'm not much for dances but I value her friendship and wanted to support her and hear her sing. Her hubby wasn't going not his thing. I declined a dinner invite with several other D friends to attend with her.

Came home got ready since I hadn't heard from her I sent her a text asking when she wanted to leave. No reply for about a 1/2 hour then her reply was she had already left she had a chance to help the band set up. And I'd have to drive myself there (30 min drive) sorry. I was very hurt that she left without me. I decided I wasn't going to go. I really didn't want to show up at a V dance by myself.

At the end of the night I did receive another text saying she missed me and was sorry if she messed up.

Crickets so far. Am I being petty? Ideas on the best way to handle this?

Tearsoflove posted 2/15/2014 12:24 PM

If the two of you had decided to definitely ride together, she messed up. But if it was vague and she might have believed you were riding separately, she may have thought nothing of leaving early and meeting you there.

Either way, she apologized and in the grand scheme of things, I don't believe this is worth losing a friendship over. If she means something to you, accept the apology gracefully and the next time you make plans with her, make certain that she understands that if you are riding together she needs to let you know if something comes up preventing that from happening. If she's been a wonderful friend shutting her out now will be something you regret later.

thisissogross posted 2/15/2014 12:27 PM

Honestly? It mostly sounds like you all got your wires crossed and there wasn't malice on either side. Also, while her actions were maybe kind of thoughtless and dismissive, she was probably super distracted and absorbed with her upcoming performance. Since she's been such a good friend, I would say, she's apologizing and accepting responsibility in her text. I understand you not wanting to arrive alone but, at the same time, it doesn't sound like you all had set plans as to how that would go down and ultimately, the decision not to go at all was yours. Express your disappointment and move on if you can. I get that you're disappointed and I'm sorry your night didn't work out the way you'd planned and hope you're feeling better today.

Ashland13 posted 2/15/2014 12:34 PM

It's really nice of you to be supportive of other people in your own time of distress. I do that too and notice a real lack of patience for me at times. Anyway...

It wouldn't've taken her long to send a quick message to you that she was changing plans. I have a friend who does this constantly. 4:00 means 6:00 and so on. If I do it, and mine is because of a young baby and single parenting, I always work hard to give notice. But not everyone is the same, yes? Maybe for her it's not a big deal for the drive so she didn't think she had to tell of the change, where for you, the drive is a lot (I have this too, FWIW, just saying that I KWUM).

But on the other hand, I also believe that if you value her and enjoy the time you have with her, it doesn't seem worth letting the friendship go, especially if she's had your back in the past.

It's so hard to tell people how we really feel, isn't it? I don't know what that is but I also get the crickets reply you were giving. It's better than lashing out during anger, that's for sure.

My thought is that if you choose to continue on with the friendship, maybe next time you make a plan together, you could try something like "Gee, if you have any changes, would you let me know ahead of time?" I do this with people all the time. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't but when I look back on it, I can know I spoke up, in a sense.

SadInNC posted 2/15/2014 12:46 PM

It sounds like she is a good friend, otherwise you wouldn't have agreed to go to this thing with her at all. I would respond for sure! Just tell her the truth. Tell her that you felt weird about entering a Valentines Day Dance alone. Accept her apology and talk about it a little bit. Make new plans to do something together and move on.

UnexpectedSong posted 2/15/2014 13:14 PM

There would be a band that would be playing. She was going to sing a couple of songs with them

Are you in the performing arts? If not, she should have explained to you that it's not possible for you to go together unless you were willing to go very early. She probably assumed that you knew that.

All my friends know that if they come to my shows that they are on their own. I need to be there at 6:30pm for a 8pm start. I always find them at intermission and we can go out afterwards. But no one has ever gone to my performances with me. Even my H and I take two cars because he doesn't want to get there until 7:45pm.

BAB61 posted 2/15/2014 14:03 PM

I agree this sounds like a lack of communication. Next time you make plans with her, make sure you both agree on what time, who's driving (1 or both), and where it is. I have a friend who performs all the time, when she asks people to come to the show, it means arrive on your own and most people know that.

Elaine2012 posted 2/15/2014 14:06 PM

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. We were supposed to ride together and she was going to let me know what time we were leaving. When we set it up she was only going to sing 2 numbers with them. The setting up part must have been planned later. Ending the friendship is not going to happen. I just want to handle my reaction without blowing it out of proportion.

thisissogross yes, my not going was on me. I knew that when I chose not to attend.

Tearoflove:

If she means something to you, accept the apology gracefully

. I needed to read that. I'm working on improving how I respond to situations that leave me feeling some rejection. Stupid D and FOO issues! Because of that^^^ the following applies to me.

It's so hard to tell people how we really feel, isn't it?

So far my track record is pretty dismal as to sharing my feelings. I afraid of more rejection. I guess it's a bit of a trust issue. I just need to take the chance of sharing how I felt about the situation. And see how it plays out.

As it turns out the evening wasn't bad just different than I planned. I got call from DD#4's boyfriend and he asked for my permission to ask her to marry him. I told him of course he did. So there'll be a wedding in June!!!