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rolfasaurus posted 2/15/2014 15:38 PM

I would like everyone's opinion about something. I asked this same question in my other thread "please help me understand...but it got kinda lost in the topic. If you care about any back story, everything is there.

My first questions is about STDs. I am wondering if any of you experience this type of feeling. First of all....I am still very very upset that she put me at risk like that. We had sex during the time she was having unprotected sex with a stranger. At any point she couldve stopped me from going down on her....or stopped me right before we had sex and said 'wait...i cant put you in danger like this. I have something to tell you...." But she put her own desires for pleasure over my health. She got tested....once while they were having sex (stupid...the incubation period hadnt even passed). and then once, five months after their last encounter when I found out about it. My issue is that I feel very uncomfortable having unprotected sex with her. Even though both tests came back clean...i have this irrational fear that she is dirty still.
I feel like It's important to say that my wife and I have NEVER used a condom. She was on birth control for the majority of our marriage, I was always very....disciplined in knowing when things were happening, and we knew our sexual histories before our first date (we were 18). In fact, I was the only man she had ever had unprotected sex with on the norm. I was definitely the only man until recently that had ever..............finished...........inside. Which is a huge blow to the purity of our sex life. STD's were just never something that I had to worry about, and it was awesome. We used to talk about how cool it was that we didnt have to worry about being single and getting nasty sex diseases. I feel like she for sure spoiled it.
So anyway, I bought condoms today which is really sad to both of us...first of all, she thinks it is completely irrational because she tested neg on all of her screens...second of all, i just think its sad that I even have to think of it. Also, STD panels dont test for EVERYTHING. and somethings dont even manifest until 6 months after exposure. Am I right to be worried? Am I right to want to protect myself? She seems to think it's silly. She says if its about symbolism and something I need to do to make myself feel better, she is totally okay with it...but if I am truly worried that I am going to catch something from her, she thinks it is silly. Something that was a HUGE turn off for me for a while was that she contracted Bacterial Vaginosis. BV isn't an STD, but it is sexually facilitated. It can show up because of a sudden change in sexual partners, or multiples. Basically, the normal flora is used to getting the same thing...then when some random dick comes rears its ugly *head* it disrupts the environment and things go haywire. Needless to wasnt a very.....pleasant....smell or experience. Another factor that was thrown in the mix is that she left a tampon in for like 4 days straight (completely by accident...first time its ever happened to her). She had double stacked the tampons and shoved one really far up there, and had no idea about it until I........."found" it.....up there. ( could imagine my reaction when I felt something foreign in there....she didn't even believe me at first). very well couldve been one, or it couldve been the other, or it couldve been both that caused the BV. But my point is....that whole thing definitely didnt help the situation for me. It definitely didnt help with the whole me feeling like our sex impure thought.

My second question is probably way TMI. But....I am having a very very difficult time reaching orgasm. I have to admit...and I understand the whole HB thing...and im kinda loving that part of this whole thing. Sex is the best it's ever been. But...I just cannot reach orgasm. I feel like I am going to, but then....I don't know...the anxiety takes over....or a thought creeps in....or I feel judged or rushed....or something...i know it is ALL in my head, but I just cannot orgasm. Which sounds awesome to some people...i mean it is very very pleasurable's not like it doesnt feel good enough. But everybody knows that at a certain starts to get to that "okay...I am ready to kinda be done" moment. It's nothing to do with libido, or desire or's just that sex for TOO long starts to get raw and tiring. It's the weirdest thing. Anybody else relate? I am sorry....that was a huge long post, and I'm not even going back to edit a lot is probably ridiculous.

and I realize there was TMI....but It's not like I know, or will ever meet you people. haha.
Thank you everybody.

Aceofbase posted 2/15/2014 18:04 PM

Depression and anxiety can lead to problems with sexual performance. Also age and meds are another factor. Sorry if I missed, how old are you and are you on any meds?

Breezy150 posted 2/15/2014 19:58 PM

I feel the same way about STDs, I was tested full panel, tested for everything after I found out about my WH. To the tune of almost $600. The doctor told me that since I had a hysterectomy 7 years ago I was less likely to get one, so now I am afraid that he has one and I just haven't caught it yet. I know I should make him get tested but don't even know how to ask him since mine was so expensive. He thinks I should just be glad that I came back clean but I almost imagine that I have one all the time.

Maybe it is a psychological thing about them being "dirty" in our minds now.

rolfasaurus posted 2/15/2014 21:35 PM

He thinks you should be glad that you came back clean? Are you f-ing kidding me? Yeah, you need to make him get one. That is absolutely ridiculous. Make him get one until you are confident he is clean in my opinion.

rolfasaurus posted 2/15/2014 21:37 PM

Ace, I am 26 years old and my medications have not changed for years. This problem has been going on since I found out about the affair. I know it is in my head...I know it's my own anxiety that is causing the problems. I guess I just want to know if anyone can relate and want to know what they did about it

BAMAC posted 2/15/2014 22:15 PM

I understand the whole feeling like she's dirty thing. I was her first and only when we got married, and assumed I'd be her last. She was also on the pill and we never used protection. She didn't use a condom with him. And she went off the pill around the same time she started sleeping with him. Supposedly he's had a vasectomy, but like all MPOSERs he's a liar. I was/am pretty angry about all that. It all adds up to me feeling like she's tainted something. I guess its just one more thing her A took.

norabird posted 2/15/2014 22:31 PM

I think you're right to be cautious and use protection, not silly at all--it can take a while for an STD appear. And I imagine it must be a painful symbol for you of what happened. Keep using them until you feel safe.

Going with the TMI theme, I got BV pretty recently (before my ex cheated) from, I m pretty sure, new soap that was too intense. So, in your specific case it may be linked to her sexual activity, but I had to say something in defense of any future BV infections you may encounter. It's fairly routine though, I know, gross.

Pretty sure issues with finishing were addressed recently by another man, so yes it does happen as a result of the discovery. I assume that like other aspects of fallout from the trauma this fades with healing,

solus sto posted 2/16/2014 10:22 AM

.first of all, she thinks it is completely irrational because she tested neg on all of her screens..
My doctor --and every needlestick protocol in every hospital in which I have ever worked-- recommends retesting for HIV and hepatitis at specified intervals for 12-24 months (depending on the institution/doctor).

Central to this testing is the use of condoms to reduce risk during the prolonged testing period.

You're not irrational. You're smart.

And I'm very, very sorry you're in this position.

outside4me posted 2/16/2014 10:41 AM

Sex with a condom is like eating steak with saran wrap over your tongue. Once monogamy is violated you gotta start thinking about STDs and such, so I think you're wise to wrap that rascal.

A HUGE part of sex is the mental. I have sex with my wife since her EA (DDay about a month ago), and she's more attentive now, etc... but the intrusive thoughts and mental movies have changed it dramatically.

Affairs take the best parts of sex away from us! Arrgh!

SisterMilkshake posted 2/16/2014 10:45 AM

Ok, so I will share some TMI with you, too.

Yes, we experienced HB. It was fantastic and wonderful. Then I started having the problem of not being able to reach the big O.

I do not know how I figured this out, but I started being "mean" to my FWH in my head. I know some people say this these things out loud to each other during sex, so this won't help if thats what you already do, but we don't (and I don't want to) do this during sex. I would order him around in my head. I would call him names. I would just be very degrading to him in my mind, and ta dah, orgasm.

I don't have to do that anymore. It was a season. I have no idea why and how that worked for me. I just know that infidelity really fucks with our head, hearts and sex life.

PM me if you want specific examples of what I said, but I think you get the idea of what I mean.

marionwendy posted 2/16/2014 10:59 AM

I completely know how you feel. Before I found out about my husbands A he came home to me and we had sex, 3 days after he first had sex with OW.I got BV I have never had this before not ever! I had only ever been with him for 21 years. He on the other hand had his other woman! It disgusted me once I put two and two together! I remember the Doctor asking me if I had changed sexual partners??????? Violated is how I felt! cannot believe that he would put me in that position!!!!

OK now posted 2/16/2014 11:39 AM

I don't think you are being irrational. Since you have resumed sex your wife thinks things are returning to normal and whats to stop her cheating again? There doesn't seem to have been any 'suffering' on her part, so maybe if another really special guy comes along.....

To protect yourself against a repeat of her adultery you are wise to use a condom. That way if she brings OM's semen back to the marriage bed you are protected against any possible infection. At least as regards most diseases; not genital herpes however.

As regards your present difficulty in finishing, I agree its the realization that the OM did this 'finishing' repeatedly and your WW returned from her sexual encounters and exposed you to his bodily fluids. Pretty revolting betrayal.

[This message edited by OK now at 11:40 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]

rolfasaurus posted 2/26/2014 21:33 PM

Yes. Pretty revolting betrayal indeed. Thank you all for the responses. Things are not getting better with me.
I know she is trying, but I am not moving past it. I cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop the depression.

tushnurse posted 2/27/2014 08:22 AM

First question, feeling unclean, and wanting to protect yourself.

You are absolutely right in wanting to protect yourself. Remember a big thing for R for many of us a BS's is that we finally have to learn how to put our needs and wants first. This falls in that category I think. You don't feel clean, and need to feel safe. Who knows if strap on a condom and you feel safe the issue with the second question may go away voila.
I do want to say that if you have had sex with her very much since Dday without protection, that you have probably exposed yourself multiple times to whatever if anything she may have had, and using a condom at this point may be too little too late, if she truly does have something.

NOW - Finishing. There were times after dday that we both had trouble reaching the big O. H had issues with it, when he was still in contact (breaking nc) with OW, kinda one of the gut reasons I knew he was breaking NC. He would be able to finish though if I was facing away from him, and I know that he was probably transporting himself to thinking of not being with me, but hey it got the job done.
There were times where I as the BS had trouble with reaching the O, and with stopping the mind movies, and I gotta tell you I made it all about the physical aspects of sex. I made him make me the center of all the attention. For a while sex became more about fucking than intimacy, and making love. As I healed and got stronger, then I was able to transition back to more of an equal partner, and more about the whole thing, and the intimacy that came back was 10 fold.

I want to tell you a few things though Rolf. One it's perfectly normal to be going through all the feelings and emotions, and trials that you are as you heal yourself from this. It is truly one of the most difficult things to go through in your life. Do NOT pressure yourself to "get over it" and to "move on" and to "get back to normal" because your old normal is gone, and honestly if you do it right, and your wife does it right the new normal you find will beautiful, strong and loving. You will be amazed by it.

Secondly your wife is the betrayer here, and if she isn't doing anything and everything she can to help you, and not judge, and not pushing then she doesn't get it. She has to be absolutely on board with your needs and concerns, and if she isn't then you need to let her know that you don't accept her only being partially in on R. Sometime the WS needs a bit a hand holding and guidance to and the BS being very specific on what they need. Don't be afraid to ask for it.

Lastly HB, and sex can be a HUGE part of healing and recovery for both of you, but may come and go, as you heal and get stronger. Allow it to work it's magic. We are 5+ years out and I can say that our sex lives now are even better than they were prior to Dday, the A, and even after.

(((and strength))))

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