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I'm attempting to figure out who the other man is for several reasons.

1.)Our daughter. Even if he doesn't have direct contact with her (big if) I need to know what kind of person he is (besides someone that would knowing sleep with a married woman)
2.)For the possible OM's wife or GF.

Is it wrong for me to be reasearching this if my STBXWW and I are divorcing?

Heck no! Go for it. I'd want to know.

Is it wrong for me to be reasearching this if my STBXWW and I are divorcing?

In my opinion, No I don't think its wrong.... First of all it will probably create even more closure for you.
Secondly, as you said your daughter, I think it is very important that you know.
Thirdly, your right the OM's wife/girlfriend should know too.

I hope you are doing alright Midas.

do you have any idea who he is? name? phone number? anything?

As long as you're not planning on doing anything illegal then researching the identity of the OM is strictly up to you, what is best for you.

I have a strong need to know who the OW is. And there have probably been more than one. I've researched (sometimes obsessively)and got nothing. STBXWH says it's inappropriate for us to talk about. I've even hired a PI but we still have very little info. So no- it's not wrong and I totally understand. He probably knows about you.

I'm of 2 minds about this.

#1, if you sincerely believe he's going to be in your daughter's life, then I agree. But the fact is, you'll probably get more info from your daughter over time anyway, so patience will pay off. Unless he is NOT part of her life, then he doesn't really matter, does he?

#1A I feel sorry for the OM's BS. If you knew his identity, you should tell her, for her sake. But not to the extent that you harm your own healing.

#2, Every thought you give about the OM is ultimately delaying your healing. He doesn't matter, he didn't cause the infidelity, he could have been any prick that came along.

Your healing takes off when you realize that, and focus on yourself.

#2, Every thought you give about the OM is ultimately delaying your healing.

I disagree. It is normal to want to make sense of our lives and it seems to me that knowing the identity of the OM is a fundamental part of that process. It is a component of the basic narrative: who, what, when, where.

Yes, it could have been anyone but that said it was someone. For me, I had to know what I was healing from and it did help me to know some details about the OW. She lost all of the power she had in my head when I discovered the rather pathetic details of her life.

Midas, I like you have a daughter. You need to protect her and you certainly can't rely on a WS to do that. They may do the right things but on the other hand their judgement and instincts are completely off. I would leave no stone unturned to find out everything about this individual.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 11:07 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

I think that wanting to know who the OM is or was is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Especially if you have a child.

I guess the one question I would have is whether there is any legal precedent that compels the WW to reveal the OM to the court/lawyers? I wonder if one way to do this is to ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem to research the suitability of the other home/relationship. This would make it less of an issue for you to figure this out, since knowing a name might not get you much info. anyway.

You could push the custody issue based on knowing the suitability of the OM...meaning you are looking for greater custody unless you have proof that your DD is safe withe the OM.

If she is still involved with him and it is apparent he will be around your daughter...hell yes. He has low enough characteristics to have an A with a married woman then you don't know what he's capable of doing. Probably your stbxww doesn't really know him either, although she thinks she does. That's the fog and the ego talking. I would push that with your attorney if she doesn't give up his ID so you can background check him. And I would even pay a service to do that if need be. You never know about people and a child's well-being is something not to take chances with. Until she reveals him I would fight the case as "not fit to being a stable and responsible parent."

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:50 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]

The other man is a convicted sex offender, he molested a 14 year old girl in 1994. My wife thinks he is changed, and "not like that anymore". My wife isn't moving in with the other man, but she is still seeing him. She doesn't agree with me when I say that when you have children you can't be in a relationship with people that wouldn't be good for the child. WTF!!!

OMGosh....I read ^^^^^^^^ and felt a knot in my stomach.

I don't even know you, your wife, or your child and everything in me is screaming for you not to let this man around your child - "changed" or not changed he apparently violated another young girl and there is no "second chance" when a child only has one opportunity at youth, innocense and emotional well-being.

Wow! No, daughter will not be around OM. first and foremost protect you little girl!

Oh, and he is over 50, and has grandkids.

The other man is a convicted sex offender, he molested a 14 year old girl in 1994. My wife thinks he is changed, and "not like that anymore".

You can get a motion from the court to disallow unsupervised visitation as long as she is seeing OM.

Something is seriously wrong with your stbxww to even consider for one second risking her child by exposing her to OM. Her first loyalty should be to her child.

I just got a punch in the gut.

She cheated on me one other time in our marriage that I wasn't aware of, again with a co-worker, and four other times before our marriage in high school. Every affair during our marriage has been with a coworker, and every affair before our marriage with a fellow student.

[This message edited by Midas at 11:17 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

Dude get your ass down to court and get a motion filed ASAP. These perverts love to use women like your WW to get easy access to their children. Changed my ass !!! You need to do whatever you can to make sure this POS is nowhere near your child. Fuck the A and any other one for the time being. You child's safety is paramount right now and you need to take action. You can deal with her after you put out this raging fire first. This bitch is delusional if she thinks he has changed. Do not wait a minute longer, do not consult her or give her a heads up. Get down to the courthouse now. You don't even need a lawyer for this. Get going my man !!!!!!!!

Is your daughter living with you right now? Is your wife out of the house yet? Dear God, this is everyone's worst nightmare!

I would move heaven & earth to prevent my daughter from ever being around this man. If he's a convicted sex offender who offended with a minor then there are valid reasons for you to make this happen. There is precedent to make it happen.

Your STBX is a fool. Protect your baby girl, Papa Bear!