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Newest Member: Marisa (61804)

User Topic: vent: dealing with the loss of my previous home
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still miss my M and X sometimes... but I have a good hold on that with NC and IC.

But sometimes having lost my old home just kills me. We lived in a part of the country that I absolutely loved. I'd give anything to live there again. When the S/D happened, I moved back in with family (as I should have).... but it was on the other side of the country.

And then I found myself a new (really great) job for a fresh start. And it will be in an awesome city that is really the kind of place most people visit to go on vacation. I think a lot of people would kill to live in this part of the country, but while it's objectively going to be an incredible and exciting change... it really (really, really) isn't my personal style. And it's also geographically as far away from my old home as you can get.

I have my eye on trying to get a job back in that old part of the country again. But it could take years, given what I do. And I suppose I could try to vacation there sometimes... but that's not the same.

I miss my favorite old restaurants. I miss my favorite place to go for a walk. To shop. To watch the sunset.

Sometimes I miss my old neighborhood so much it hurts. I dream about my old drive to work, I'm so homesick for it. I can still map our old place in my head. Remember the way it smelled. Remember my favorite things that I had to leave behind. I'm going to try to rebuy some of them and make the best out of my fresh start, of course. But sometimes when I hear a reference to my old area on the news or something... it's like a knife to the chest.

Thanks for listening to my vent. Just looking for commiseration.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:19 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

BS / D

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 40173
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear the sadness. I need to put our home on the market and I am dreading it. I came back today after being prevented by my STBX's restraining order the last two weeks, and being home feels good. I don't look forward to renting again after 15 years of ownership.

Commiserating with you indeed,

Me: BH, 40
Her: Ms. Daisy
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, living together
Dday: 7/28/13
Ds17, DS12, DD12
Divorced! 2/24/2015
Apology. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Posts: 1155 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40250 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry. I feel your pain so much through your post. It makes my heart hurt for you.

I will be joining the ranks of losing my home soon too. We bought our home as the home we would raise our children in. It's in a fantastic neighborhood that is now far more expensive than I could ever afford to live in again. I also have to go back to renting after 10 years of home ownership. It's going to be really emotional to sell this place.

I'm trying to focus on the positives though. I will no longer have the maintenance and most importantly, the tie to the Gnat. We still co-own it together and I need to completely disentangle myself from him (other than the kids).

I feel like the emotional hits never end after dday. Just when I feel like I'm standing and catching my breath, something new kicks me in the gut and knocks me down again. I know there will one day be an end to this, but it still seems so far out of reach.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your pain. I liked our neighbourhood, a lot.

You didn't ask for suggestions so please feel free to ignore this ... but here's what I suggest: Embrace your new city.

Go out and discover the city. Find those hidden shops and restaurants that make every city special. Every evening and weekend burn some shoe leather by going exploring.

When I first moved into the city, the boys and I would have a new quest every weekend. They would get here on Friday night and I would say, "I heard of this little place that has..." the best burger, the strongest garlic bread, the thickest shakes, the biggest ice cream cones, whatever. We found some nasty hole in the wall spots that served some really cool shit. We went to all the music stores, all the used clothes stores, army surplus stores, head shops (being near the bongs make my boys feel badass!), and tattoo parlours.

I showed my boys that there is a whole other life in the city, that is nothing like the country suburban life they have the rest of the week.

Every city has extremely lovable shit just waiting for you to find it. You just need to give it a chance, instead of pining for where you ain't.

Sorry about the soapbox. Like I said, feel free to ignore this unsolicited advice.

Me: 1970
Two sons: 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have to leave my city, but I did leave my neighborhood when I downsized 18 months ago, and I know exactly what you mean. I miss walking the dogs on the trail in my old neighborhood, I miss my old grocery store, I just miss my old area and really wish I had sucked it up and bought a smaller home in the same area.

Funny thing is I don't really miss the house, but I miss everything around

But, gradually I'm adjusting.

Me: BW-46
Him: XWH-46

Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

Posts: 5292 | Registered: Mar 2011
♂ 31938
Member # 31938
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been talking with neighbors lately, confirming that yes as soon as youngest graduates I will have to put the house on the market. It really sucks, I like the majority of my neighbors, we are a fairly tight bunch. Holiday cookouts, sharing times and stories with the kids and now I am going to lose all of that too. They yard and house I have put so much time in, my workshop and all that goes along with it. Having to sand down and paint over team and themed logos I painted on the boys walls. I'm going to miss home but once youngest goes it will just be a house again. Four walls that have witnessed so much pain, so many tears, unbelievable fighting, physical abuse but those fleeting moments of happiness will be what I leave with. I will take what is good for me out of this house and I will use it to create my own new home for the two most important parts of my life. I don't care where I lay my head, she can take away my house but my home is where my boys and I share our hearts and that bitch WILL NEVER EVER TAKE THAT FROM ME!!

Me BS 42, STBX 40 renamed numero cinco
OM#2 puppylove from HS
EA 10/07 thru 5/08
PA 5/12,13,14 and 7/26 of 08
Admitted to calls/email texts 08/08, TT until D/Day 10/10
OM#1, 9 mos after "I do"
She walked out on me and her kids 1/1/14 (

Posts: 314 | Registered: Apr 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You probably don't know my story, but I've moved 3 times since I S from the X. I first moved from Tucson to Phoenix. For a long time I pined for familiar faces and places. I had a pub that I liked going to and people who knew me. I worked for a company that I really enjoyed (but was having problems with the owner, so that was about to end anyway). I loved the area where I lived. I moved in with my mom, which was very difficult.

My office closed in Phoenix, and I accepted a transfer to Houston; it was not a good match. I resumed all around the country (including back in Tucson) but only received responses from upstate NY. I accepted a position and moved, the the job fell through, so I had to search again, and found a very good position.

I still miss Tucson to some degree, but I'm now in a familiar part of the country in a place near where I grew up. I'm much closer to my life-long friends than I've been in 23 years, and it's been so good to reconnect. My point is that it may not take as long to get where you want/need to be, so don't give up hope. You may not get back where you started, but you may have a great adventure.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 8

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