I know he supports our family, we struggle financially on just his salary while I am in school, and he helps clean the kitchen (when I ask him) and helps do the laundry, there are sometimes the kitchen and laundry doesn't get done unless he does it because I am either so busy with the kids or to consumed by sadness/depression that I just barely get by day to day enough to get my kids to school and then keep up with them after school. He'll do most anything I ask of him, like to get me this or that, or stop at the store on the way home. Other then A related things I have asked him to do, he'll do it, oh and other then a few date ideas I throw out there every once in a while, that I have been suggesting since the beginning of our relationship. I should be happy and thankful for those things though right? He loves his kids, he enjoys going to their activities, he leaves work early if possible to get to their soccer/baseball games. I should be happy with that right? But I am not, it's just not enough for me. Is that selfish?, should I just be happy with that? I am lucky in these areas there are a lot of guys that don't do half what my wh does. My dad (step dad) never came to our activities, I can literally count on 1 hand how many games/concerts/activities he came to between my sister and I (he became my dad when I was 3). So I should just be happy my wh wants to be a part of that side of our childrens lives, right? Shouldn't that be enough? I feel bad saying he's a bad husband, and I don't want to be with him, knowing everything he does do for our family. My family doesn't understand, all they see is this great guy and dad, that loves his family, even though they know what he did, and my mom knows he doesn't love me. It's just weird, I can't even say anything around them without getting some remark, or smirk like I am just being a bitch or to hard on him. Maybe I am, maybe I am just being a bitch and to hard on him. But he doesn't really make me happy, other then the father side of him. I don't get excited when he comes home from work, or when we are going to get some alone time. I don't look forward to having a nice dinner with just him, no kids. I would rather just hang out with my kids, or my mom and sister. But no one sees or understands that part. And everyone would be crushed if I left him, they wouldn't understand, even the ones that know about his A. Even the other day my sister was looking to buy a "new" car, and she was looking at one that was the same color and make/model as OW, I wanted to puke, they couldn't understand why I said I will never ride in that car if you get it. They thought I was just being silly, now granted they don't know all that went on in OW's car between my wh and her, but just the look I got when I explained I couldn't look at the car let alone ride in it because it was the same car as OW was just numbing to me, they just don't get it and I hope to God they never really will, but it puts me in a tough spot, they just don't understand where I am in all of this, and what I feel. They just see wh as a good guy and a good day.
I know this post is just one big ramble, and I could go on forever. I am not really looking for anything from this post, just my thoughts and questions that have been roaming around in my head. I just needed to get it out, and I have no one in RL to talk to about it. And anyways no one in my RL understands what I am going through. So thank you to anyone that makes it through this post. I know it is long, but it's just my thoughts or at least some of them Maybe I should be going to school to be a writer
[This message edited by scangel3 at 11:02 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]
Is sounds like you don't love your husband anymore. That's ok. You don't have to love him just because he's a good dad. Stop feeling guilty. Plan for your future. Bide your time. Continue to detach.
Hugs to you.
I too feel guilty about my feelings. He is a great provider, and everyone else out there including my family think he's a great guy and great husband. They don't see the passive aggressive A hole I sometimes deal with or the person who doesn't ever tell me I look good or am beautiful. I don't remember the last time he told me I looked beautiful. I too have body image issues, but I get tons of compliments when I dress up. They don't see the guy who criticizes because something isn't done to his satisfaction.
Many nights like tonight. I Lie in bed while he sits downstairs and falls asleep on the couch. He then comes to bed a 2 or 3 in the morning. There is also this awkward silence between us, not that comfortable happy to be in the same room silence. That I know I should be talking to you but don't know what to say silence.
We did an in house separation at one point, and it was peaceful, so very peaceful. Maybe that means it is time to move on....I don't know. My mother always says doubt means don't. Maybe it just isn't time yet.
Sorry for rambling and for hijacking your thread....what I really wants to get through was that you are not alone in your feelings.
((((Hugs)))) may we both find our path. God bless.
WRT your first issue, this could be a simple 'love language' mismatch. Years of a mismatch can be draining, but it may be easy to resolve. My W has always shown her love by doing things around the house, but I never realized that. I show love with touch, but she never realized it. Now we both accept the love the other gives. What's more, we 'speak' more in the other's language - a definite win-win.
There's a self-test at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ that really helped us.
WRT your 2nd issue, I don't see any conflict between recognizing that he's a good father but a bad H for you. Talking and listening in each other's love language may help, but if it doesn't, it's important that you realize it and make conscious decisions about your life. It's OK to be dissatisfied and leave, and it's OK to be dissatisfied and stay - but make your decision consciously.
Bottom line: There's nothing wrong with you. Love Language mismatch is common, and it's great that you see your H both as good father and as not good enough H. (Of course, deciding what to do to improve your sitch isn't easy....)
[This message edited by sisoon at 4:52 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]
He will still be a good dad if you are divorced, and you can still appreciate him for that without wanting to stay.