Being only four months out is a killer. It's a point where the BS (can only speak from my own sitch) expects things to be so much further along than they are. KWIM?
Kudos to your MC for suggesting you have "talk dates". I wish I had thought of that in our earlier R. It gives you a concrete time to talk and get feelings out, while allowing you to leave it alone, which we all need.
These statements from your husband sound like they don't jive.
When I asked how he felt about AP now, his answer was "indifferent", although he admitted that he missed the excitement of the A
THEN, I asked if he still thought he'd like to be with her, he hesitated for what seemed to be a long time and said, "There is a part of me that still would like to be with her".
If he has feelings about still missing his AP he hasn't reached indifference. He should have no thoughts of her, or thoughts of disgust which eventually lead to not thinking of her at all. It takes time, He hasn't gotten there.
It also makes R nearly impossible for a BS. Knowing your husband still has glittery fantasies about the A.
He needs to be in IC and work through these issues. He cannot be a safe place for you to lay your heart when his is still in two different relationships.
When we discussed full transparency, he admitted that a couple of weeks ago he saw his AP on the side of the road with a flat tire and stopped to help her (she's a COW, by the way). I actually understood this, but it hurt that he hadn't told me.
I am sorry he stopped to help her. IMO he shouldn't have. She is a grown woman and doesn't need saving. I have AAA and would be ok handling a flat tire on my own or with AAA's help.
He needs to have no contact. No thoughts about her, no stopping to help and no light talk in the office. Have the two of you discussed his getting a new job? I would bring it up if you haven't. It is unfair to you to worry about an AP that is still in contact daily with your husband.
Any contact (especially the tire incident) should be told to you immediately. You shouldn't have to ask about contact. He needs to examine this closer and find out why he needed to be a nice guy and help her out.
Because he hasn't gotten to where he needs to be doesn't mean he won't get there, but I do not think it helps that he is skirting transparency, still working with and in contact with the AP and having trouble communicating.
It's a process, one which takes some serious digging and self-awareness. I do believe he needs IC. He needs to get to a healthier place before he is able to commit to being a strong, safe partner for you.
He apparently doesn't remember that I told him years ago that I don't like roses!
It took my husband years to stop buying me flowers! I hate them. They cost a fortune and then they just die, lol. I think some men just don't know what to do so they go to "societies answers" for their ideas.
We didn't agree to R until about 5 months after dday. In that five months the two of us did much self evaluation, started on our own healing and were able to offer/accept R knowing we were both on board 100%.
It takes time, I hope he is able to fully get there, the in between time is so difficult for us BS's.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:24 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]