What do you say to someone who has lost a leg? I don't want to say something insensitive without realizing it. I am afraid I am just going to cry when I talk to him. My poor, poor baby brother. He is far away. I can only talk to him on the phone. I am at a loss as to what to do to support my brother.
Do men like to get flowers in the hospital? What do men like to get when in hospital recovering? He has never been in a hospital before.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I don't know what you can say to your brother. This will probably be devastating for him and will have a long recovery with quite a bit of physical therapy. Really the only thing you can do is express your sorrow and let him know that if he needs anything you will do what you can to help. Is there anyway you can plan a trip to go out and help him and SIL when he gets out of the hospital?
(((hugs)))
Unfortunately, there is no SIL. You know the reason we are all here? Yeah, his wife. I have two sisters down there that are great and will be very supportive. I will be making a trip down there, but probably not until the spring. I can't fly, I have meltdowns (extreme panic attacks).
Holding you both in my thoughts and sending strength to your whole family.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
As far as what to send him I have often seen "guy" gift baskets that have nuts and jerky and even beer.
This is going to be long road as he recovers. Help him to stay positive by being positive and yes it's ok to cry and be sad but follow up with statements about his strength resilience and ability to accomplish what he wants.
((((Sister and brother))))
Listen as much as possible. Be a caring presence, someone who accepts him as he is, loves him just the same, listens to whatever he is going through. Ask him how you can support him from afar.
He really needs your love and caring right now.
((((((sistermilkshake's brother)))))))
He lost his left forearm, below the elbow, due to the car landing on it and crushing his forearm.
One of the things that helped him most was getting a visit from a man that had also lost an arm and was done grieving and on to living a full productive life. It gave him hope. I remember the guy showed up in a muscle shirt, and was not wearing a prosthesis and was comfortable with himself. The prostethist (people that make artificial limbs) arranged it.
The other thing that helped was a PT that was also an amputee. NPD-x had to wait quite awhile for his prosthesis due to massive skin grafts. So learning to do things one handed was hard. He certainly appreciated his new arm when he got it finally.
As for what to say, Just be yourself. Tell him you are so sorry, and then listen.
I remember the fear to see NPD-x the first time. After that it got easier and easier. The whole family had a funny sense of humor about the whole thing after time.
I am sorry this has happened to you. It is so upsetting, I know.
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:49 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]
My good friend's mom lost her leg due to diabetes. I have another friend that has had prosthetic legs her whole life (she is a little person, with complications).
It's horrible, but not a tragedy if you KWIM? He has his life and prosthetics now are vastly improved. When he's fully recovered and wearing pants you will not be able to tell he's got one.
This guy is a combat vet who is now a model ... just sayin'
Edit to add comment.
[This message edited by BAB61 at 10:46 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]
tushnurse ~ thanks, too, for always being there with support and practical advice, both medical and otherwise.
movingforward777 ~ thank you so much, very helpful, I shared part of your post with my family in our special "Family Facebook Group". (more on that later) May I ask what you do for a living? Physical therapist?
InnerLight ~ thank you, good advice.
Chrysalis ~ thank you. Your first hand experience with someone close to you being an amputee was really helpful to me.
BAB ~
It's horrible, but not a tragedy if you KWIM?
The loss of a limb is enormous. It usually is preceded by an illness serious enough that the person is grateful to be alive, if minus a limb. I'm NOT minimizing the loss--it is huge. But beneath the grief is gratitude.
Focus on that, but not cloyingly. Just let him know that you are SO happy the clots were properly diagnosed and that you still have him in your life. Tell him you love him however he is. He is the same brother who taught you to pump your legs on the swing, or teased you hard enough about having training wheels that it pushed you to learn to ride a two-wheeler.
He will likely go through the stages of grief. He may need help navigating them--if so, help him find a good therapist; the hospital social worker might be a good resource for identifying counselors and/or support groups for amputees.
He will also likely battle some pretty unique pain issues that can seem pretty puzzling, since the absent limb can....hurt. Help him, if necessary, find a neurologist who will help him address them.
But mostly, "I'm sorry and I love you" go a long, long way.
Don't know if it's too late, but I wanted to suggest sending only Mylar balloons to the hospital. There are people with severe latex allergies and mere balloons can cause respiratory distress. I work with a nurse who has ended up in ICU twice now because someone brought a bouquet of latex balloons as thank you gifts, etc. through the lobby. Yikes!
Hope you find the right words to say. I'm sure just letting him know you are thinking of him will mean a lot.
This is a part of the post that my niece, my brothers only child, posted about my brother upon learning of his amputation. She posted this Sunday morning, they told him the night before. The surgery was Saturday morning.
Despite the family having to break the news to my father that his leg is now gone from the knee down, he seems to be in fairly good spirits. I plan to keep his story going that a shark bit off his leg.
Am at the hospital now for about an hour or so. Brother has been chatting & joking the whole time.
I am glad that he seems to be keeping his sense of humor. However, he is probably in the "shock and denial" stage of the grief cycle. He will go through many stages.
Another sister called me. I asked how that was a negative post. She told me I was "Debbie Downer" about a lot of things. Oh, like you wanting to run away to California with your 15 year old son and ensuring that he had no relationship with his father, and me pointing out that wasn't the best idea?
I was just pointing out to people that 1. He is totally fucked up on meds right now. I don't think he fully can grasp that his leg was amputated. 2. From everything I have read, it is quite common for most amputees to go through a grieving process. Just wanted to prepare people that his attitude may change in a few days.
Yeah, so now I am this horrible, negative person. That somehow me posting that brother may go through some grieving and not always be so up and positive is somehow affecting brothers positive attitude. He doesn't even have Facebook. Never has seen Facebook.
Bunch of assholes. Yeah, they want him to be all positive and jokey because that makes it easier for them. Fuck what my brother may be really feeling and going through. 'Cause it is all about them.
eta: I spoke to my brother yesterday morning (right after I posted my original post, niece called me because brother wanted to talk to me). He told me they took both his feet. He asked me if I knew that my niece was his daughter. He told me he just wanted to get up and walk around but they wouldn't let him. Yeah, I think he is still not really fully grasping what is going on. I am sure today is different. I know they already started a little PT.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:08 PM, February 17th (Monday)]
Your facebook was not negative, IMO. It was REALITY. That's the problem people have with it. It was a dose of reality. "What? You mean he might actually get sad, and give up the shark story?"
He is going to need support. He is. He's going to grieve that loss.
I agree that having an amputee that is living their life well visit him might be a good idea.
On the flowers thing---if he's still in ICU he can't have flowers. Flowers are a no no there. They will sit at the nurses' station.
A "guy" basket, like tushnurse suggested sounds fun and different.
Hang in there. It has to be hard having him so far away.
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother and all the family drama coming your way.
I'm glad it could be of some help. I am a Registered Practical Nurse with almost 35 yrs of experience. I have worked a lot with orthopaedic patients, and currently work on a unit with elderly patients many of whom have had joint replacements/surgery, and some amputations. I really enjoy my work and feel that humour does have it's place, but only with the right person at the right time. It is a grieving process that they go through, and it takes a different amount of time for each person. Just being there, loving them, giving them a little latitude for the "bad days" and helping in whatever way they need is the best I can offer. Many have to learn to accept help (they feel a burden on family/friends), and allowing them to come to terms with the things they can't do for themselves is hard to watch sometimes. Hold your tongue, but don't take abuse either. There is a fine line and at times it moves around on you and them.....hang in...most times having a loving family is the best help....HUGS
You know he's blatto on pain meds, and probably has some hospital sleep deprivation psychosis going on.
Hope all is well.
