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A 1000 points of pain…

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Prayingforhope posted 2/16/2014 13:32 PM

The separation from my wife hurts in 1000 different ways, most I never knew existed before this. You take so many things for granted when you’re a happy couple and now, everything triggers the pain of being apart.

Our family winter holiday starts next weekend, without her this year as she refuses to be near me and has booked herself a private holiday alone somewhere. This hurts on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin.

We take the vacation with three other families we’ve known for years (kids same school, etc.) and they all know we’re separated because of my A. I contacted them to make sure they were okay with me still coming. Some don’t care about the A, others think the matter is private between my BS and me, while others want to toss me off a building for what I did to my wife. This hurts and the holiday hasn’t even started.

My BS has already told me she will NOT be joining me for Spring Break so now the joint custody debate begins. We want to go out of the country to see my family, so we’ll need the full two weeks like we always do…um, except there is no longer any “we”. So how the frack is this going to work? If she gets one week and I get the other, seeing my family is dead before it starts…God this hurts.

My favorite uncle called me today to say “Surprise, you’ve always wanted us to come visit and we’ll be there end of August!” To which the bottom of my stomach fell out because I haven’t told any extended family we’re separated and probably headed for a D. OMG, I could barely breathe getting through that call.

Text messages, those damn text messages are the only form of communication I have with my BS and she chose this weekend to taunt me with them (this is new); the midnight text that she was partying, the 3 am text that she was still partying. Both made me cry as a middle of the night painful reminder of what I’ve lost.

It’s almost overwhelming how painful every little fracking thing can be during a separation. And THIS is only the beginning. We haven’t even begun to divide up the China, sell the house, talk about weekends, etc. I mean OMG, I’m beginning to realize why D is regarded as one of the hardest things to go through in life. And it’s not a single moment in time but an ongoing process of pain. Like my situation now, you don’t just wake up and say “Oh, we’re separated, okay, I wonder what’s next on the agenda?” No way, it is present in your mind ALL DAY LONG, and contact with you BS is always front and center, reminding you of the mistakes, the pain, the failure, the betrayal, the consequences.

Here’s to another tough weekend with the insight that the pain has only just begun on the life journey I selfishly and unilaterally decided to take my family on.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/16/2014 17:06 PM

So sorry you're hurting, PFH.

None of it is easy but it sounds like you've got some particularly difficult events coming up. Sending you lots of strength.

Try to keep in mind that you WILL get through this and by the end of it all you will be a better person.

I'm sorry I can't offer great words of wisdom, I'm sure someone will be along soon who can be of more help. I just wanted to let you know you've been heard. Hang in there.

badchoice posted 2/17/2014 11:48 AM


I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I understand your pain. It pains me to see other go through this, and I am really pulling for you to work things out.

All you can do right now is respect her boundaries, and work on yourself. Yes, you took your family on this journey, but you have to focus on things you can change. Dwelling on how you got here will only make you feel worse.

I also get how hurtful those text messages are. I wish I had some great advice for you on this too. NC is good for both parties. You can ask her to follow her rules too. That is within your rights. Just remember, she is most likely angry and hurt and just trying to make you feel bad too. You can decide if you want to remind her about NC and that you only want to discuss kids and finance.

I am in a depression spiral right now, so I know how it feels, but do something today to lift your spirits. Go for a walk, journal, go to a park, re-kindle an old hobby. The time alone gets really hard when all you do is dwell on things you cannot change.

Best of luck.

Prayingforhope posted 2/17/2014 11:56 AM

Thanks badchoice for listening. That is all I really needed so thank you.

I did ask her to respect NC both ways, so specifically I ask her to no longer have any contact with me unless it was finances, kids or house related.

It hurt to make this request because I am the guilty one, i.e. what right do I have to set boundaries? But the reality is I am deep enough into IC now to realize just how much trauma I am dealing with on my own and setting healthy boundaries is part of my healing also.

One way or another I'll get through this, but thanks for listening.

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