The separation from my wife hurts in 1000 different ways, most I never knew existed before this. You take so many things for granted when you’re a happy couple and now, everything triggers the pain of being apart.
Our family winter holiday starts next weekend, without her this year as she refuses to be near me and has booked herself a private holiday alone somewhere. This hurts on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin.
We take the vacation with three other families we’ve known for years (kids same school, etc.) and they all know we’re separated because of my A. I contacted them to make sure they were okay with me still coming. Some don’t care about the A, others think the matter is private between my BS and me, while others want to toss me off a building for what I did to my wife. This hurts and the holiday hasn’t even started.
My BS has already told me she will NOT be joining me for Spring Break so now the joint custody debate begins. We want to go out of the country to see my family, so we’ll need the full two weeks like we always do…um, except there is no longer any “we”. So how the frack is this going to work? If she gets one week and I get the other, seeing my family is dead before it starts…God this hurts.
My favorite uncle called me today to say “Surprise, you’ve always wanted us to come visit and we’ll be there end of August!” To which the bottom of my stomach fell out because I haven’t told any extended family we’re separated and probably headed for a D. OMG, I could barely breathe getting through that call.
Text messages, those damn text messages are the only form of communication I have with my BS and she chose this weekend to taunt me with them (this is new); the midnight text that she was partying, the 3 am text that she was still partying. Both made me cry as a middle of the night painful reminder of what I’ve lost.
It’s almost overwhelming how painful every little fracking thing can be during a separation. And THIS is only the beginning. We haven’t even begun to divide up the China, sell the house, talk about weekends, etc. I mean OMG, I’m beginning to realize why D is regarded as one of the hardest things to go through in life. And it’s not a single moment in time but an ongoing process of pain. Like my situation now, you don’t just wake up and say “Oh, we’re separated, okay, I wonder what’s next on the agenda?” No way, it is present in your mind ALL DAY LONG, and contact with you BS is always front and center, reminding you of the mistakes, the pain, the failure, the betrayal, the consequences.
Here’s to another tough weekend with the insight that the pain has only just begun on the life journey I selfishly and unilaterally decided to take my family on.
