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A moment of shame

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pizzalover posted 2/16/2014 15:59 PM

I just had a moment of shame. My BH was just cleaning and handed me an email address. We had gone to a concert about 3 weeks ago and I wanted to buy a CD by an artist who I LOVE! The credit card machine wasn't working, so the manager gave me her email address to contact her for a Paypal account that I could pay for it. When my BH gave me the email, I remembered that I had never paid. I said to him, "At this point does it make sense to pay?" like I was asking his approval to do something wrong. He stated that I have a deviant streak and I felt automatic shame that I even suggested not paying. I mean I love this artist - why wouldn't I want to pay for her art? And why would I want BH's approval to do something wrong? I hate that that thought even came out of my mouth.

Perhaps in this affair, I got approval in some way from my AP to continue deviant behavior. Since he "said" it was okay, I continued. I will only blame myself for my actions, not him, but maybe I acted in the way that "if no one knows, if makes it okay." That sickens me. Even if he approved, I should have has enough guts and foresight to not allow it to go on. I don't ever want to be like that again.

FightingBack posted 2/16/2014 16:14 PM

Perhaps in this affair, I got approval in some way from my AP to continue deviant behavior. Since he "said" it was okay, I continued. I will only blame myself for my actions, not him, but maybe I acted in the way that "if no one knows, if makes it okay."

My WH has said the same thing although perhaps not so well. He said that his AP always made hi feel "safe" and assured him that no one would find out, no one would ever get hurt.

In that way, he was getting approval, justification, etc.

somanyyears posted 2/16/2014 19:28 PM


..pizzalover..

I think everyone is put into situations where our moral code is tested on various levels, whether it be when the cashier gives us too much money back on a purchase or we find a wallet full of money. What we choose to do right after realizing it, can be the game changer.

..recently, my fWW purchased a large can of our favorite coffee ($18.00+-) but was only charged for a small can ($6.00) I was right beside her when it happened but I was not aware of the mistake until she told me about the error when we got to the car. Years ago, I'd have let it go and thought it was our lucky day.. we just saved $12.00 Horray for us!!!

..not anymore! I told her I couldn't let it go and wanted to go back in to correct the mistake. She said, 'No!'.. she would do it herself. I was glad she did. I think in the past, she was thinking as you were in this quote:

Perhaps in this affair, I got approval in some way from my AP to continue deviant behavior. Since he "said" it was okay,

..maybe, life is a test.. ?? It's all about what we will do when we think nobody is watching.

..after all, we have to live with who we see in the mirror.. don't we???

smy

PhantomLimb posted 2/16/2014 21:03 PM

I'm a BS but I wanted to say thank you for posting this. I wasn't always the most honest person before his A and our S/D. Nothing major, but white lies here and there to smooth things over or avoid confrontation. Usual stuff.

After all that has happened this past year, I've observed that in myself and I'm trying to change it. In some ways it doesn't have anything to do with my X and what he did... but it just has to do with me trying to take this awful situation and do something positive with it.

This kind of stuff is awfully hard to observe in ourselves. I think you're really strong and brave for seeing it, accepting it, dealing with it and talking about it.

jemimapd posted 2/16/2014 21:14 PM

This is a line that helps me remember that we all, BS and WS, need to be rigorously honest:

"No one crosses a line without smudging it first."

pizzalover posted 2/17/2014 10:48 AM

Thanks to everyone for your feedback.

This kind of stuff is awfully hard to observe in ourselves. I think you're really strong and brave for seeing it, accepting it, dealing with it and talking about it.

Thanks for your kind words, Phantom. It's very painful. After I said that yesterday, I had to leave to go to volunteer with cats I work with and was bawling in the car the whole way because it is so painful to deal with all of this bad shit inside of me. But I need to deal with it, for both myself and my BH.

pizzalover posted 2/17/2014 14:40 PM

My BH just brought up an interesting point about what I wrote:

I mean I love this artist - why wouldn't I want to pay for her art?

He stated that whether I love her or not, I needed to pay. I basically think he means that love shouldn't come into play. Whether or not I love someone or something, I need to do the right thing.

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