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Flourgirl posted 2/16/2014 17:38 PM

WH took a job out of state. He thought the kids would finish out the school year and we would all move to be with him. I have lived in this area my whole life. The only time I didn't was in college. I live 2 miles from my sister, 4 miles from my mom, and 6 miles from my other sister. All of my friends and family live here. He thought a fresh start would be good for us. I don't know for sure if I want to stay married to him. I do but I don't trust him yet. He waited to look for a job until he went through all of our savings and than was interviewing for a local job. They asked if he'd relocate and he said yes. He can't take an entry level position so it would take months for him to find something else.

How am I supposed to trust him living apart from me. What if he cheats again, or starts drinking again, or starts watching porn again. How are we going to work on things when he's in another state. Is there still a chance for us to be a family again?

Morhurt posted 2/16/2014 17:48 PM

It seems very unfair that he said "yes" without discussing this MAJOR decision with you! I would be livid. And the living apart thing... I can barely handle H being at work for the day! I think you guys need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart about this.

Nature_Girl posted 2/16/2014 18:11 PM

I agree with Morhurt. This is an unacceptable situation. It needs to be discussed. How come he gets to decide to break his wedding vows, and now gets to decide to tear the rest of your life apart? Where is your voice?

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 2/16/2014 18:19 PM

I will say that I allowed my H to move me away from my support system six weeks post d-day and it was a REALLY bad idea. (We're back in my home state now.)

How am I supposed to trust him living apart from me. What if he cheats again, or starts drinking again, or starts watching porn again. How are we going to work on things when he's in another state. Is there still a chance for us to be a family again?
Do you trust him now? What IF he starts drinking, cheating, or using porn again? Are those deal breakers for you? What happens if he does those things now?

There's certainly a chance for you to be a family again, but not as long as he's in control of the family decisions- he's already shown a tendency to screw those up and make the decisions for you.

If you feel like it's a bad idea, it probably IS a bad idea. Trust yourself.

homewrecked2011 posted 2/16/2014 18:22 PM

Don't leave your support system.
Stay where you are and think, observe, hire a PI if you need to, get into counseling, get your children into counseling. You are the stable one, do not be drug from here to there unless he's been in counseling SOLID for at least 6 months. If he says he will go to counseling when you move with him, tell him he has to start NOW before you uproot your children and their lives.

I don't know your WH, but if he's like mine, he suddenly has to move, drop all associates, get new friends, get new interests because everyone starts to see thru him and *poof* he is ready to move on and not face anything.

Go see an atty right away and ask if you can get some sort of legal temporary orders === even though you are not thinking that you are separated, any day he could be the one who determines that....KWIM, and at least you are a step ahead of him providing for your children.

FYI when we separated (not that you are going to, but just FYI), I was a stay home mom and part time greeting card lady. WS had to pay the house pay, my auto insurance, give me 600 a month. I was also able to get on food stamps (SNAP) at 480.00 a month for 6 months.

Don't be scared, be calm and proactive....

imagoodwitch posted 2/16/2014 18:43 PM

My WH was away for work when the A happened. He was 3 time zones away. He was gone about a year when the A started and it has been 5 years since my DDay.

I remember the feeling of wondering if he would cheat again, drink too much, watch porn etc. it ate me up with worry.

Then I had a realization that i couldn't control what he did, when he did it and who he did it with, only he can do that. And I made peace with it.

My WS has been gone a year, again, 3 time zones away, he couldn't possibly find a job here

I am not from where we live but we have been here for almost 10 years and I don't want to leave.

What should you do? What do you want to do?

stillhere09 posted 2/16/2014 19:37 PM

I agree that moving out of state is desirable for him because he can make a clean start, wipe the slate clean and not have to face up to consequences. That's what it means for him.

For you, it means zero support system, alienated, insecure, dependent completely on him, which makes it easier for you to be manipulated. This has to have gone through his mind.

I speak from my own experience - being moved away from home is hell! I was completely at his mercy, just like he wanted. Guess where that led? I had to save up for a hell of a long time on the sly so that I could escape. Thank God I made it back home and will never have to deal with him again!

My advice is, don't move from home under ANY circumstances. The easier cheating is just the beginning; finances are a hell all their own, too!

As to living apart from him, no, bad idea. The only option (just my opinion) - He's got to get it through his head pronto that you are staying right where you are, and if he wants to remain married to you, he has to forget the out of state job, and with no attitude about it. Believe me, you'll get what you demand, once it is a demand and not a plea. Make it so that it is not even open for discussion. State your needs on this and stick firmly to your guns.

Random thoughts posted 2/16/2014 21:08 PM

There have been a lot of women on here, who like you moved with their wh to another state only for them to have another affair and now they are stuck in a new state divorced and can't move back to their support system.

If he hasn't done any of the work to ensure no more loose boundaries and making himself into a better person, I would think hard about moving away with young kids.

Jrazz posted 2/16/2014 21:18 PM

It sounds like he's made a lot of decisions about your lives without involving you - that's a flag in and of itself.

We moved 6 months after DDay. FWH looked for work in an area that I always wanted to live, and applied for jobs without my knowledge "as a surprise." Given that this was somewhere I was hoping to move someday, I saw the gesture as more considerate than controlling. I needed to get away from ground zero and he acted.

We are about 2 hours away from my support system now, and it's really hard. I do think that getting some space from the area helped in a lot of ways, but I'm starting to be really homesick for my family and friends.

I wasn't sure I wanted to stay married either, but I felt good about moving at the time and that was the deciding factor. That should be YOUR deciding factor too, and he should respect it.

In the meantime, what is he doing for you /the kids/the marriage that is convincing you to try and work on it? Is it worth it? I know that it would be so hard for the kids to be without their parents together regularly, but it would be hard for them to leave their schools and friends and family too.

If your gut is giving you an answer, it's ok to give something a try.


mchercheur posted 2/16/2014 21:20 PM


Although it was within the same state, WH & I had very different lifestyles (I lived in a large city & he lived in the suburbs bordering on rural) when we met. Within 3 months of meeting, I moved in with him. It was a big lifestyle change for me. I felt so isolated.
I had no family/friends nearby except by phone
( we are talking about 25 years ago, so it wasn't the same---now everybody is connected electronically & you can have a virtual relationship with anyone.)
But if you have kids, you need your mom & sisters to be nearby.

It sounds like a lot of things need to be negotiated before you even consider relocating.

Sending you strength

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:20 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]

Flourgirl posted 2/16/2014 22:42 PM

Thx to you all for your responses. I can't believe I'm I this situation. If he had said we had to move before Dday I would have left in a heartbeat. I would have followed him anywhere and he knew it. He honestly thought it would be a no brainier for me. That I would still put his needs before mine. I'm making no plans to move right now. I can't I'm afraid of what will happen if I give him that control. He has been in IC since Aug 1st. We have been in MC since Mid July. Of course he lied through our first appointment. I feel cheating, porn, and alcohol are all deal breakers for me now. He has seen me how this flattened me broke me. He has seen me cry, and puke seen my sleepless nights and he knows I can't do it again. It will kill me a slow painful death I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. For now he will live there 4 days and with us 3. Hopefully after a year he can get transferred to here. Maybe I will trust him later but after reading your responses I have made a decision for myself. The kids and I stay here. It will be hard being an only parent and the kids will miss him terribly. It's not what I would have chosen but I can't make him stay and I'm not willing to leave for him now. It's time I get to make a choice. Thank you everyone.

[This message edited by Flourgirl at 10:44 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]

Jrazz posted 2/17/2014 16:44 PM

Flourgirl, I think that is an excellent decision. You can't control him, so he's either going to blow it on his own, or he's going to hold it together. The bottom line is that you know what is best for you and your kids, and you're trying to follow that path. I admire your strength.

Ostrich80 posted 2/17/2014 16:57 PM

It hardly seems fair that you were not included in this huge decision. Fresh start? Yea after he messed up. That would be a hard decision to make, especially after he so carelessly chose to have an A. I don't think I would trust him to make any more decisions for me.

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