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the rollercoaster of self-hate

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Alyssamd24 posted 2/16/2014 18:12 PM

Most of the time I am able to cope with the feelings of disgust I have towards myself...I am sometimes able to remind myself that the decisions I made were wrong and selfish, and hurt those I care about. And I can work with those feelings and promise myself I will never again be the person I was last year.

But then there are other times that the anger and disgust I feel towards myself are overwhelming, and I can no longer stand being in my own head. These are the moments that I look back on my actions and am so ashamed of myself I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

I still cannot believe the person that I let myself become...not only was I dishonest and hurtful to my husband, but also to my daughter, my family, my coworkers, and the families I worked for...I cannot get over how unprofessional and immoral my actions were, and sometimes wonder how my BH found it in his heart to forgive me enough to give me another chance.

I was recently asked on another post when will I forgive myself for what I have done...I really have no answer for that, cuz I think it will take a very long time before I am able to look in the mirror again and not feel disgust and contempt with the person who looks back at me....I still don't feel like I deserve that forgiveness, from anyone.

Joanh posted 2/16/2014 19:21 PM


I know the feeling all too well. Have no answer for you, accept as Ihave been told one step forward.

I hear you.

isadora posted 2/16/2014 19:28 PM

One day at a time. The only path to true healing is through it.

Hang in there.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/17/2014 00:34 AM

I feel exactly the same, I could have written your post word for word. I hear you, I feel for you.

My roller coaster is made worse by the fact that my BH is trying very hard to hate me right now (which is fine, part of his process) so he tells me I am an awful person, a rubbish mother and undeserving of our children. I have to really focus on not letting it get me down, otherwise I wouldn't get out of bed.

It's a long dark tunnel but there is light at the end of it. Keep going, even if you stumble, you will come out the other side eventually. Hang in there (((Alyssamd)))

cantaccept posted 2/17/2014 05:49 AM

Hi Alyssa,

I have been following your story since you first started posting here. You really seem to be working so hard on yourself and you should be proud of that. Recognize that you are facing the pain you caused and trying to do what is possible to change.
That is all anyone could ask of you.

A book that helped me was "How Can I Forgive You", by Janice Abrams Spring. It helped me to understand what I need from wh to be able to forgive him, but also there was a part about self forgiveness.

It helped me to see the path to forgiving myself for my mistreatment of myself. I also tried to get wh to read it for himself. It offfers concrete actions and a way of looking at things that might be helpful.

I wish you the best. I have seen changes in you. I only wish that my wh would have worked so hard and been so honest.


WalkinOnEggshelz posted 2/17/2014 05:55 AM

These are the moments that I look back on my actions and am so ashamed of myself I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

Have you allowed yourself to do that? Curl up in a ball and just let it all out? It's alright to cry. Give yourself permission to do it. It can actually be cathartic to have one of those lose control of yourself, shaking, snotty nose sobs.

The more you work in your why's. The more you are able to really own every aspect of your behavior. And the more you understand where that behavior originated from, the more you can begin to gain acceptance. As you begin to accept, the self hatred and shame will lessen. It may creep in at times but with time you learn to cope better when it does.

As far as self forgiveness goes? Well, I'm not entirely convinced it's necessary to heal. I guess it depends on how you define self forgiveness. For me it's difficult. I never want there to be a moment that I can convince myself that my A was ok. And I haven't figured out a way to define forgiveness in a way to work for me. It doesn't mean that I haven't done the work. It doesn't mean that I am not happy with the person I am becoming. I just don't put a lot of weight on that particular word to be a better person. I used to need it, forgiveness, from other people. It would let me know that everything was ok and I was liked. Now as long as I feel I am doing the right thing and make amends when necessary then I don't need to hear the words anymore. Because I am good with me. Not sure if this is making sense. Forgiveness is just one of those things I quite figured out myself so give yourself some time.

Unagie posted 2/17/2014 06:31 AM

Walking is right. Its taken me this long to understand that I have to allow myself to feel my emotions no matter what. You betrayed yourself, this isn't going to take a few months to heal. Be gentle.

ShedSomeLight posted 2/17/2014 06:43 AM

HI...I am a BS and would like to offer some insight for you. We are six months out as of 1/31. My D Day was 7/31. He had a long term A and the OW decided to stalk me. I am a real life fatal attraction story !! He has guilt over the affair and over the stalking, which he had no control over. He feels terrible about himself and terrible about hurting me. The other night he had a complete melt down. I was actually scared as I thought he was having a break down. I told him to forgive himself and that I give him permission to do so. I also explained to him that I barely have any hurt over the affair anymore, but I have rage toward to OW for stalking me. I am in court right now because she was prosecuted by the Police !!! PLEASE try to forgive yourself... YOU are not a bad person, you just made bad choices. I hope you are going to therapy to help.

SandAway posted 2/17/2014 07:35 AM

I agree with WOE. To me, forgiveness means that the A was OK and it never is and never will be. For a long time I felt like you do, knowing I would never be able to forgive myself and it kept me from moving forward. It happened and I have accepted that I was a discussing person to everyone including myself. But I wasn't going to let myself be stuck in this self hated; it doesn't help R at all. But it is important, I believe, to feel it and process it. Because if you don't, YOU can't can't start the healing process.

Eventually you will come to acceptance because unfortunately, we cannot change the past. Don't get stuck on 'forgiveness'.

Let yourself feel the disgust because you do need that. Scream, cry, yell and get it out when your alone but also keep telling yourself that your no longer that discussing, horrible person.

You will get there in time Alyssamd. I feel the 2 - 5 year healing works both ways.

[This message edited by SandAway at 7:37 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

somethingremorse posted 2/17/2014 08:43 AM

Allysamd24 -- I have the same thoughts as you. I messed up everything I touched over the last few years. I spend lots of sleepless nights. I hate all of those silent times when I'm alone.

I try to use those times to focus on the specific changes I want to make in my behavior. It doesn't help a lot, but sometimes it makes the bad thoughts go away. I am a long way from forgiving myself, if ever.

Best of luck.

ncharge posted 2/17/2014 09:18 AM

I read a wonderful quote once that went something like: "Forgiveness is not condoning the action. Forgiveness is giving up the wish for a better past". You CAN forgive yourself without condoning the action. Learn from it and move on to be a better person. Make the future everything the past should have been. What you did will never be OK, and you will always be disgusted at yourself that you did it. But, you really can get to the place where you can say that isn't who you are anymore.

Alyssamd24 posted 2/17/2014 14:13 PM

Thank you for all the responses. I do understand that forgiveness is something I may never get to, but I do at least need to learn how to accept that part of me.

Like I said, it comes in waves....there are times that I can get through the day without thinking about it much, but then other days it overwhelms me.

I haven't really let myself feel it as much as I should;at first when every thing happened I did, but since then I tend to push it away and not think of it as much. May be I do need to just cry and yell and scream.

I am not in IC right now but would like to be....the C that I had been seeing was an idiot so I stopped going to her and just haven't looked for anyone else yet.

I am playing with the idea of writing a letter to myself....I wrote on to BH,XAP,and his BW but never sent them. It was for myself,to get every thing out. Maybe if I did that for myself that may help also?

mrs7 posted 2/18/2014 14:14 PM

I can so relate to this ... and also about "forgiveness" - I'm not sure that is the right word to describe the work that lies before us...

It's not going to be about forgiving myself, but about making sure I can get to a place where I can live with myself, and I hope that my husband will be there with me at through it all. That is the hardest part right now, is the uncertainty on his part. I understand it but it still hurts a great deal.

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