Anyway, I got to go out for dinner on VD with visiting friends and WH, but I was told by my WH that I am mean when I drink. I only ever have one drink and this was one sip in...
I must have made a pointed remark, I don't even remember, but I know that in the past I have.
How do I stop being mean?
I don't intend to be 'mean' but I am forever frustrated by the fact that he has NEVER told me the truth about any of the past. I feel we are attempting to build a future on quicksand and it makes me feel anxious and sad ALL the time. And, yes, it's a long time later but I can't seem to stop these comments slipping out.
I am tempted to get roaring drunk and tell the stupid arse exactly what I think and demand information but the reality is that I don't speak anymore and he'll never tell me anyway.
I used to be so kind and gentle.
A lost cause, I think.
I think I thought that if I ignored it all and carried on it would all just dissipate. But I'm beginning to believe that it just slowly condenses into something hard, heavy and unmovable.
He's stopped his WH behaviour but the past is forbidden territory. That really means that he's the same though, doesn't it?
It's best when you have issues that are unresolved to be careful of alcohol or even medicine use (NyQuil is a awful!) you need to talk to him. Get it out there and decide to solve it.
Hugs to you!
Yeah, I know that drinking won't help! That's why I only have one drink if, and when, we go out; been that way for years now
Kinda why it hurts that he said that, I had only had a sip!!!! Still, his control tactics work: I never have more than one drink and I never mention his A's and I never speak to a counsellor...his secrets are safe.
He's trying but he's not brave enough to confess his truths. And so I remain in a silent limbo
..certainly, ONE drink isn't going to alter your personality ..to suddenly make you 'mean'..
..he was just putting you down and being defensive in front of your friends in order to embarrass you.
..his refusal to give you the truth is simply his way of rug-sweeping his A.
..you can either rug-sweep with him or draw your line in the sand and demand the whole truth from him.. or walk away.
..you must decide what you can accept/tollerate..
..without the truth, what have you really got???
..can you live in his world of deception and lies of omission?
..we ALL need the truth. anything less is unsustainible and will lead to resentment and discord...
smy
Its not the drink, its not you, it's his abuse of you. I am sorry.
Yes it does mean he is the same. When I met my STBXH I was the OW, just didn't know it (he had a girlfriend). A few months in he got a BJ in his car etc till we got here. I was never to talk about it, he would get angry same old same old. Now here I am, learning of his 2 year long affair. There's probably more but it's not problem anymore. You and especially him have to deal with it, otherwise what's the point?
Your characterization of building a future on quicksand is spot-on. Your WH wants to rug-sweep. He wants to 'shut the door' and act as if *today* is a new beginning -- and that's not going to work (obviously).
He's stopped his WH behaviour but the past is forbidden territory.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
If he is a big rug Sweeper, then of course he doesn't want to hear it and if he called you out for being one in front of friends, very bad on his part and kind of passive /aggressive with a tinged of blame shifting
I did have a temper in my relationship when discussing politics, which I'm not proud of and would liked to have fixed in myself if we had been able to, you know, continue a loving relationship....but sometimes my temper was brought up after his cheating, and it seemed really unfair. My temper was an issue in the relationship, but didn't really relate to his choices. His choices were his own. And when he didn't want to own them, he would throw my own flaws in my face. But I was willing to work on my issues--which you seem to be too--and still they would get thrown in my face when hello, beside the main point of the moment.
I guess I'm just trying to say, don't take his words too much to heart or beat yourself up. You will work on you. But no way does he get to guilt trip you. Especially when the anger you're talking about seems to stem directly from his betrayal and lack of honesty! He is making YOU feel like you are the bad guy. Try again buster. And do not let this drag you down into self-doubt and flagellation!
You could spin that Churchill line. "Maybe I am, but in the morning I'll be all sweetness and light again but you'll still be a raging asshole."
Just to clarify, I don't drink...that's why it was a bit of a shock to be accused of that in public with really wonderful friends.
The rug sweeping has become a habit for both of us. I am afraid to speak of it as he just says it's in the past and I need to let it go, obviously something I am having a VERY hard time with. I do feel foolish to try to talk about it as I should have done so before, now it feels like it's too late. The thing is, I didn't say anything, I'm sure of it. He never mentions his A's but I now feel that I'm being warned... the couple we were out with know nothing.
smy - I do live in his world of lies and omissions, anxiety ridden and silent because I am trying to nurture damaged children through their awful pasts and don't want this to become yet another one of the things they have to get over or overcome. And yes, it probably already has, sigh.
monarchwings- (which are beautiful BTW) I was calm and felt happy and excited to be out in a lovely place with kind people...so yeah, I'm thinking I said nothing (we had only just arrived) maybe he was steering me, silencing me just in case.
Chippednotbroken- uhuh, thanks for reminding me, you're right gonnabe2016- You're right, it feels like what it is, and yep I think I do make those swipes, not often as I am mostly quiet, but because he has refused to speak about any of it. It's the past you know randomthoughts- Blameshifting, huh...I am thinking this is a new tactic he's deciding to give a whirl, nice!
norabird- Thank you...self-doubt is the grey, non-rainbow, sans unicorn world I have been inhabiting for some time.
Stillgoing- Yep, in the morning I'll be faithful, honest and kind... I wonder if he's ever had a morning like that? ...raging asshole...snigger
It is so easy to take shots at your spouse when you are hurting so much inside. It is not productive though. It makes it even worse when you are never given the opportunity to discuss it. It gets pinned inside ready to explode.
Lots of thinking happening today thanks to your nudges and gentle kicks. All appreciated, I assure you.
Sisoon- I did go to IC for quite a while but not for 2 years now. I thought I should be over it by now...oops. I just don't know how to re-open this can of worms. It's clear to me that it needs a serious discussion and honesty but I have no idea how to initiate that. When I've tried in the past I have been shut down completely. I even asked for reassurance 8 months ago and was told that he wouldn't do that as it was unnecessary. (Clearly for him it's unnecessary)
dontknowwhyme- That's how it feels. I was numb for a long time, when I came too I hoped I could just do the 180 and carry on living my life and things would slowly solve themselves. Instead I am more tense, more angry, more disappointed, more hurt...and that's with his behaviour great but no emotional stuff allowed.
I feel I have become a time-bomb of yuck. As if all the words I've not been allowed to express will come exploding out of me in one toxic blast... I don't know how to mitigate that.
Any ideas welcome x
