"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Truly posted 2/16/2014 18:58 PM

I don't think anyone can help me as I have lost the ability to help myself... sorry for that too.

Anyway, I got to go out for dinner on VD with visiting friends and WH, but I was told by my WH that I am mean when I drink. I only ever have one drink and this was one sip in...

I must have made a pointed remark, I don't even remember, but I know that in the past I have.

How do I stop being mean?

I don't intend to be 'mean' but I am forever frustrated by the fact that he has NEVER told me the truth about any of the past. I feel we are attempting to build a future on quicksand and it makes me feel anxious and sad ALL the time. And, yes, it's a long time later but I can't seem to stop these comments slipping out.

I am tempted to get roaring drunk and tell the stupid arse exactly what I think and demand information but the reality is that I don't speak anymore and he'll never tell me anyway.

I used to be so kind and gentle.

A lost cause, I think.

Morhurt posted 2/16/2014 19:16 PM

Oh honey, don't get drunk but do tell him! Why should you have these feelings inside and him not have/get to know? Why are you with him if you can't talk?
I'm so sorry. :(

Truly posted 2/16/2014 19:29 PM

Thank you Morhurt, you're right. Those and more ques I am asking myself right now...

I think I thought that if I ignored it all and carried on it would all just dissipate.
But I'm beginning to believe that it just slowly condenses into something hard, heavy and unmovable.

He's stopped his WH behaviour but the past is forbidden territory. That really means that he's the same though, doesn't it?

scarednbroken posted 2/16/2014 19:37 PM

I understand where you are coming from. I think part of it has to do with unresolved issues. When thing were good between WH and I I was a "laid back" drinking partner. This past New Years I really got awful drunk. And every comment was demeaning to him. He is a cheater. He is selfish. I didn't say those thing but I said things that were meant to be discussed between us. I made an ass out of myself. :( was I lying? No. I did out myself in a position to have to apologize and cow tow to a man who is killing me emotionally. I have sworn off alcohol until I am out if this mess.

It's best when you have issues that are unresolved to be careful of alcohol or even medicine use (NyQuil is a awful!) you need to talk to him. Get it out there and decide to solve it.

Hugs to you!

Truly posted 2/16/2014 19:45 PM

Thanks (scarednbroken),

Yeah, I know that drinking won't help! That's why I only have one drink if, and when, we go out; been that way for years now

Kinda why it hurts that he said that, I had only had a sip!!!!
Still, his control tactics work: I never have more than one drink and I never mention his A's and I never speak to a counsellor...his secrets are safe.

He's trying but he's not brave enough to confess his truths. And so I remain in a silent limbo

somanyyears posted 2/16/2014 19:53 PM

..Truly..

..certainly, ONE drink isn't going to alter your personality ..to suddenly make you 'mean'..

..he was just putting you down and being defensive in front of your friends in order to embarrass you.

..his refusal to give you the truth is simply his way of rug-sweeping his A.

..you can either rug-sweep with him or draw your line in the sand and demand the whole truth from him.. or walk away.

..you must decide what you can accept/tollerate..

..without the truth, what have you really got???

..can you live in his world of deception and lies of omission?

..we ALL need the truth. anything less is unsustainible and will lead to resentment and discord...

smy

monarchwings posted 2/16/2014 20:58 PM

You had a sip of one drink and then only that drink? How were you feeling before you left the house? Iritated by him or trying to enjoy a rare night out? If you were not irritated earlier it wasnt you. I'd venture to say you wanted to have some normacly of a night with friends and it was him. Blameshifting his BS to you. Perhaps the reason you don't remember it is it didn't happen.

Its not the drink, its not you, it's his abuse of you. I am sorry.

Chippednotbroken posted 2/16/2014 21:07 PM

He's stopped his WH behaviour but the past is forbidden territory. That really means that he's the same though, doesn't it?

Yes it does mean he is the same. When I met my STBXH I was the OW, just didn't know it (he had a girlfriend). A few months in he got a BJ in his car etc till we got here. I was never to talk about it, he would get angry same old same old. Now here I am, learning of his 2 year long affair. There's probably more but it's not problem anymore.
You and especially him have to deal with it, otherwise what's the point?

gonnabe2016 posted 2/16/2014 21:07 PM

Your drinking isn't the issue. The issue is your totally dysfunctional relationship.

Your characterization of building a future on quicksand is spot-on. Your WH wants to rug-sweep. He wants to 'shut the door' and act as if *today* is a new beginning -- and that's not going to work (obviously).

He's stopped his WH behaviour but the past is forbidden territory.

If the past is forbidden territory and he hasn't been honest and forthcoming with you, then he has not stopped his WH behavior.....and YOU are going to continue with the passive/aggressive swipes at him.

Random thoughts posted 2/16/2014 21:17 PM

Well you already know that drinking isn't going to make it better, but I have to know if you been told that you're a mean drunk by others or just your husband?

If its just him then doesn't this fall under blame shifting because you're more direct and to the point while drinking?

If he is a big rug Sweeper, then of course he doesn't want to hear it and if he called you out for being one in front of friends, very bad on his part and kind of passive /aggressive with a tinged of blame shifting

norabird posted 2/16/2014 22:22 PM

Just from what you write, it sounds like he's gas lighting you--you say one thing wrong, suddenly you're an awful person?

I did have a temper in my relationship when discussing politics, which I'm not proud of and would liked to have fixed in myself if we had been able to, you know, continue a loving relationship....but sometimes my temper was brought up after his cheating, and it seemed really unfair. My temper was an issue in the relationship, but didn't really relate to his choices. His choices were his own. And when he didn't want to own them, he would throw my own flaws in my face. But I was willing to work on my issues--which you seem to be too--and still they would get thrown in my face when hello, beside the main point of the moment.

I guess I'm just trying to say, don't take his words too much to heart or beat yourself up. You will work on you. But no way does he get to guilt trip you. Especially when the anger you're talking about seems to stem directly from his betrayal and lack of honesty! He is making YOU feel like you are the bad guy. Try again buster. And do not let this drag you down into self-doubt and flagellation!

StillGoing posted 2/16/2014 23:18 PM

Anyway, I got to go out for dinner on VD with visiting friends and WH, but I was told by my WH that I am mean when I drink. I only ever have one drink and this was one sip in...

You could spin that Churchill line. "Maybe I am, but in the morning I'll be all sweetness and light again but you'll still be a raging asshole."

Truly posted 2/17/2014 02:50 AM

Thanks guys!

Just to clarify, I don't drink...that's why it was a bit of a shock to be accused of that in public with really wonderful friends.

The rug sweeping has become a habit for both of us. I am afraid to speak of it as he just says it's in the past and I need to let it go, obviously something I am having a VERY hard time with. I do feel foolish to try to talk about it as I should have done so before, now it feels like it's too late.
The thing is, I didn't say anything, I'm sure of it. He never mentions his A's but I now feel that I'm being warned... the couple we were out with know nothing.

smy - I do live in his world of lies and omissions, anxiety ridden and silent because I am trying to nurture damaged children through their awful pasts and don't want this to become yet another one of the things they have to get over or overcome. And yes, it probably already has, sigh.

monarchwings- (which are beautiful BTW) I was calm and felt happy and excited to be out in a lovely place with kind people...so yeah, I'm thinking I said nothing (we had only just arrived) maybe he was steering me, silencing me just in case.

Chippednotbroken- uhuh, thanks for reminding me, you're right

gonnabe2016- You're right, it feels like what it is, and yep I think I do make those swipes, not often as I am mostly quiet, but because he has refused to speak about any of it. It's the past you know

randomthoughts- Blameshifting, huh...I am thinking this is a new tactic he's deciding to give a whirl, nice!

norabird- Thank you...self-doubt is the grey, non-rainbow, sans unicorn world I have been inhabiting for some time.

Stillgoing- Yep, in the morning I'll be faithful, honest and kind... I wonder if he's ever had a morning like that? ...raging asshole...snigger

sisoon posted 2/17/2014 04:31 AM

Have you considered IC? You're holding lots of feelings in, and IC could give you tools to process and release them.

dontknowwhyme posted 2/17/2014 13:29 PM

I think he is using it as an excuse to get you to not hurt his poor little feelings when you make a pointed comment. More than likely the comment was rooted in some way to the A. I heard the same BS early on. I could crack a beer, set it down and not even take a sip, say something that was not really the best thing to say, and whammo it was the beer talking. No dear, it's the pain you have caused that is talking.

It is so easy to take shots at your spouse when you are hurting so much inside. It is not productive though. It makes it even worse when you are never given the opportunity to discuss it. It gets pinned inside ready to explode.

Truly posted 2/17/2014 15:02 PM

Hmmm...

Lots of thinking happening today thanks to your nudges and gentle kicks. All appreciated, I assure you.

Sisoon- I did go to IC for quite a while but not for 2 years now. I thought I should be over it by now...oops. I just don't know how to re-open this can of worms. It's clear to me that it needs a serious discussion and honesty but I have no idea how to initiate that. When I've tried in the past I have been shut down completely. I even asked for reassurance 8 months ago and was told that he wouldn't do that as it was unnecessary. (Clearly for him it's unnecessary)

dontknowwhyme- That's how it feels. I was numb for a long time, when I came too I hoped I could just do the 180 and carry on living my life and things would slowly solve themselves. Instead I am more tense, more angry, more disappointed, more hurt...and that's with his behaviour great but no emotional stuff allowed.

I feel I have become a time-bomb of yuck. As if all the words I've not been allowed to express will come exploding out of me in one toxic blast... I don't know how to mitigate that.

Any ideas welcome x

cancuncrushed posted 2/17/2014 15:36 PM

Well, you can stop drinking, but eventually these remarks still make their way out.. One way or another. Verbally, emotionally or physically. SO, as great as it would be to have an ending, a place to say, Now its different..... Doesnt usually happen. It called the roller coaster for a reason... It does revisit us. In reality and in our heads. With facts, or emotions... I wish I felt done. Or over this. I dont think I will be.
you forget tidbits, Instead of 20 facts or proofs , you can now recall 10.... Then one day, that one you forgot, slams a trigger on you..... So failing memory seems to be the best helper.
I feel free to say anything I want. Liquor can just speed that process. I went thru a drinking phase of coping. Most do..Now, I may have one drink a month. WIth dinner, in a restaurant...I do feel meaner. Dont let him judge. Holding these things in makes you bitter, while you pretend to heal.

norabird posted 2/17/2014 16:51 PM

Truly, I don't think there is a solution here apart from your talking with your WH about the past. Your feeling like a time bomb is not really in your hands if he won't help to defuse the emotions building up. If his behavior were 'great' then you could have a discussion with him about this. KWIM?