April/May 2013, however, oh that was a horrible time. She finally got what she wanted and he broke a promise to me to never cheat on me. It is what broke my parents, my dad's inability to be faithful, and he knew that and made this solemn promise to me (without me asking) that he would never do that to me. I told him then not to make a promise he couldn't keep. Oops.
Anyway, since they have a child there is no way to do full NC with her. They have to talk about the kid and whatnot. We had a lovely weekend without him. He was off with his mom at her mother's house (she's homeless otherwise). We're waiting for them to come out of McD's where she insists on doing the exchange so she can feed him a happy meal every other Sunday and I just put my arm through his and lean on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head. Nice moment, right?
Then I see movement out of the corner of my eye and it's her and the kid and she looks pissed off. Shoulders up, scowling, and all I could think was "Seriously? I know what he said to you and what he sent to you about how that door in his life to you was closed forever and you STILL think he's yours?"
It was both sad and kind of funny. I actually had to giggle about it a bit. This woman has spent the past 3.5 years of her life trying to find ways to get back into his good graces and thought for a couple of months that she had succeeded and could have the lazy life she wanted. That's what made her so mad. She still hasn't let him go.
So sad and pathetic.
I think you really need to ask yourself if that's something you can deal with for the rest of your life. I couldn't IMAGINE the OW being in my life forever. Obviously your WH'S OW would be BC they had a child together before the A - But now what she is the OW and no longer an "EX", are you really willing to be with someone who's affair partner will forever be apart of your future? Especially since (as you say) she isn't giving up on winning him back? Sounds like a recipe for straight up hell for the rest of your life!
Is he willing to do MC? How does the OW get in touch with your WH when she needs to talk about their child? Do you have the passwords to access his cell phone bill?
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
This woman is, to say the least, mentally unstable. She has this delusion that if I am out of the picture, they will get back together and have this happy little family of just the three of them and she can be a SAHM (because she was so good at it the first time).
Part of their affair was he thought she was changing due to the counseling they were in to better co-parent their child. The counseling, btw, excluded me per the counselor and was a facilitator for their affair. They no longer see a counselor together, period. Part of what made him choose to work on things with me was that he started seeing through her facade.
Oddly enough, the affair ended up allowing him to come to closure with their past. He sees now she will never change. All he can be to her is the father of her kid. He has full custody and she gets visitation only every other weekend. Because of this, he has full decision making abilities, he just has to "try" to come to agreement with her first. It never happens because she is more concerned about money than the welfare of her kid.
That she is going to be in our lives as a regular presence for at least the next 14 years is something about which I have done a lot of soul searching. There are times it is hard. But most of the time I don't think about it anymore.
Her son called any woman that fed him "Mommy" but only ever had one "Daddy." She did the SAHM thing with him for about 10 months before they split up completely. During that time, the child spent the majority of his time in his swing, in his walker, or propped up on the futon while she sat her her chair and they watched TV. Next to no interaction with her. He also barely referred to her as "Mommy."
Guess who got the title of "Mommy" and then he stopped calling every woman with food by that name? Yep. Me. I fought it for a while, tried to get him to call me by my name until one day he was feeling bad due to teething. He crawled into my lap and said "Hurts, Mommy." And when I tried my gentle correction he got so angry and very emphatically said "MOM-MY!" I stopped correcting him after that.
I have been more of a mother to her son than she has and she knows it. In the span of a year, there were 6 months she just didn't see him, by her own choice. When she did and saw how much he was attached to me, it made her hate me even more.
All in all, if we tried to force the communication through me, it would be a disaster. The woman couldn't even bring herself to say my name for 2 years and even now goes out of her way to not speak to me, make eye contact with me, or use my name.
His being with you should not be dependent on her not having her act together. You are not the backup for when she's messed up - but she gets his attention when she acts right?
He needs to reassure you (and himself) that you are not the backup.
Co-parenting is not really possible in a situation like this. Parallel parenting will work best.
And with all likelihood, parallel parenting is what it will turn into, but we do have a custody agreement that has to be followed though there are already motions in place to get this taken back to court. We have to follow what the court says for the boy, and that means she has to be included in discussions about the child, but that my husband has final say.
She's been playing the "He's cheating on you with me" card since the beginning, though. Every attempt she tried to make, though, it was so obviously false that I actually told her, to her face, that she was pathetic.
I can't change the past, though. We can only move forward from what happened. It will be a year this April/May. Dreading that "one year anniversary" because there are some dates that are engraved into my brain that were just bad bad days. He says he plans on making it a good time this year. Not sure if my brain will let that happen.
It did make me feel a tiny bit of glee to see her so uncomfortable about he and I being affectionate. Petty of me.