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Saw proof today that OW hasn't let go

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StorybookGirl42 posted 2/16/2014 22:36 PM

My husband and I are about 9 months from DDay. The OW was his ex and mother of his child. She had been a meddlesome person throughout our relationship constantly claiming he was cheating on me with her (he wasn't. All the times she tried to claim were times that I was either with him or on the phone with him, knew where he was, etc).

April/May 2013, however, oh that was a horrible time. She finally got what she wanted and he broke a promise to me to never cheat on me. It is what broke my parents, my dad's inability to be faithful, and he knew that and made this solemn promise to me (without me asking) that he would never do that to me. I told him then not to make a promise he couldn't keep. Oops.

Anyway, since they have a child there is no way to do full NC with her. They have to talk about the kid and whatnot. We had a lovely weekend without him. He was off with his mom at her mother's house (she's homeless otherwise). We're waiting for them to come out of McD's where she insists on doing the exchange so she can feed him a happy meal every other Sunday and I just put my arm through his and lean on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head. Nice moment, right?

Then I see movement out of the corner of my eye and it's her and the kid and she looks pissed off. Shoulders up, scowling, and all I could think was "Seriously? I know what he said to you and what he sent to you about how that door in his life to you was closed forever and you STILL think he's yours?"

It was both sad and kind of funny. I actually had to giggle about it a bit. This woman has spent the past 3.5 years of her life trying to find ways to get back into his good graces and thought for a couple of months that she had succeeded and could have the lazy life she wanted. That's what made her so mad. She still hasn't let him go.

So sad and pathetic.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/16/2014 22:51 PM

Thats crazy! (I mean the following gently)

I think you really need to ask yourself if that's something you can deal with for the rest of your life. I couldn't IMAGINE the OW being in my life forever. Obviously your WH'S OW would be BC they had a child together before the A - But now what she is the OW and no longer an "EX", are you really willing to be with someone who's affair partner will forever be apart of your future? Especially since (as you say) she isn't giving up on winning him back? Sounds like a recipe for straight up hell for the rest of your life!

Is he willing to do MC? How does the OW get in touch with your WH when she needs to talk about their child? Do you have the passwords to access his cell phone bill?

StorybookGirl42 posted 2/17/2014 11:55 AM

Their communication is done primarily through email which I have access to. The only time text messages or phone calls are allowed is if it is a pressing issue (most commonly, someone running late to a pick-up for the kid, usually her).

This woman is, to say the least, mentally unstable. She has this delusion that if I am out of the picture, they will get back together and have this happy little family of just the three of them and she can be a SAHM (because she was so good at it the first time).

Part of their affair was he thought she was changing due to the counseling they were in to better co-parent their child. The counseling, btw, excluded me per the counselor and was a facilitator for their affair. They no longer see a counselor together, period. Part of what made him choose to work on things with me was that he started seeing through her facade.

Oddly enough, the affair ended up allowing him to come to closure with their past. He sees now she will never change. All he can be to her is the father of her kid. He has full custody and she gets visitation only every other weekend. Because of this, he has full decision making abilities, he just has to "try" to come to agreement with her first. It never happens because she is more concerned about money than the welfare of her kid.

That she is going to be in our lives as a regular presence for at least the next 14 years is something about which I have done a lot of soul searching. There are times it is hard. But most of the time I don't think about it anymore.

lordhasaplan? posted 2/17/2014 12:09 PM

Why cant all contact about child go through you? works for some in this situation.

StorybookGirl42 posted 2/17/2014 12:20 PM

This woman hates me and I mean HATES me. It's been this way for as long as we've been together which is nearly 4 years now.

Her son called any woman that fed him "Mommy" but only ever had one "Daddy." She did the SAHM thing with him for about 10 months before they split up completely. During that time, the child spent the majority of his time in his swing, in his walker, or propped up on the futon while she sat her her chair and they watched TV. Next to no interaction with her. He also barely referred to her as "Mommy."

Guess who got the title of "Mommy" and then he stopped calling every woman with food by that name? Yep. Me. I fought it for a while, tried to get him to call me by my name until one day he was feeling bad due to teething. He crawled into my lap and said "Hurts, Mommy." And when I tried my gentle correction he got so angry and very emphatically said "MOM-MY!" I stopped correcting him after that.

I have been more of a mother to her son than she has and she knows it. In the span of a year, there were 6 months she just didn't see him, by her own choice. When she did and saw how much he was attached to me, it made her hate me even more.

All in all, if we tried to force the communication through me, it would be a disaster. The woman couldn't even bring herself to say my name for 2 years and even now goes out of her way to not speak to me, make eye contact with me, or use my name.

Oftencheatedon posted 2/17/2014 12:30 PM

He had an affair with her because he thought she had changed? And his commitment to you went out the window? But now he knows she hasn't?

So what if she does really change in the future? Does that mean you get kicked to the curb again.

His being with you should not be dependent on her not having her act together. You are not the backup for when she's messed up - but she gets his attention when she acts right?

He needs to reassure you (and himself) that you are not the backup.

Co-parenting is not really possible in a situation like this. Parallel parenting will work best.

StorybookGirl42 posted 2/17/2014 12:46 PM

He has reaffirmed his commitment to me. He also has closure on their very tumultuous relationship for the first time in years. He says and I believe that he truly does see that chapter of his life fully closed and done forever.

And with all likelihood, parallel parenting is what it will turn into, but we do have a custody agreement that has to be followed though there are already motions in place to get this taken back to court. We have to follow what the court says for the boy, and that means she has to be included in discussions about the child, but that my husband has final say.

Roxyme765 posted 2/17/2014 13:02 PM

Ah! I can't imagine! One of my husbands affairs was with a "woman" he had a lot of history with. I always told him anyone but her. They were together for 3-4 years, my husband and I have been together for almost 11 years. She LITERALLY contacts him at LEAST every two years trying to get him back. He slept with her twice last year. I felt like such a loser because to me it was like she finally won. She got him to cheat on me with her.
I ran into her a few months ago as was making jabs at me because she works with one of the other women my husband had an affair with. Said some things about how the two of them were "just talking about me".
Where do these people get off?! He's my husband. Gracious. Why do they think they have rights to him?
I am so sorry that you can't have NC with her. :(

StorybookGirl42 posted 2/17/2014 13:15 PM

Roxy, wow, you hit a nail on the head. One of my big issues was this sensation that "she won" when she finally got it to happen. They never had full intercourse sex because his brain skewed his promise to me as that was the line not to cross but they did a lot of other physical stuff and a lot of emotional. I felt like such a loser that she got it to finally happen.

She's been playing the "He's cheating on you with me" card since the beginning, though. Every attempt she tried to make, though, it was so obviously false that I actually told her, to her face, that she was pathetic.


I can't change the past, though. We can only move forward from what happened. It will be a year this April/May. Dreading that "one year anniversary" because there are some dates that are engraved into my brain that were just bad bad days. He says he plans on making it a good time this year. Not sure if my brain will let that happen.

It did make me feel a tiny bit of glee to see her so uncomfortable about he and I being affectionate. Petty of me.

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