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Can't sleep again.

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iamsoblind42 posted 2/16/2014 23:38 PM

It's been a little over 5 weeks. I have been doing really well (at least I thought I was). I can't sleep again, aggghhhh!!!!

I really don't want my WH back. Honestly don't know who I was married to for 18 years. I guess what concerns me is how I could have allowed this to go on so long. I knew things were off and yet I allowed him to keep blaming me for issues in our M and now after DDay of course it is all my fault. Of course, he is seriously warped and I am not buying into any of it but is still extremely hurtful.

I am seriously worried I will never trust anyone again. To have the betrayal of my WH and best friend is a bit unbearable. They all seem to be going all with their lives with no problem.

I have my wonderful children but no other family I can really talk to and of course cannot talk about this with my kids. I have some great friends but have lost trust and faith in all of them due to this ordeal.

I want to be able to trust people and I want to know I am cared about and loved by someone. I feel so utterly alone.

Jrazz posted 2/17/2014 00:00 AM

The pain is so blinding AND numbing in the beginning. As much as you thought this person was your best friend, they're obviously broken and cruel and in the end you don't want someone like that in your life. After you mourn the loss of who you thought you knew ("2-5 years" for feeling not-insane anymore) you will be glad that you have cut the crap out and you will be left with healthier relationships and a healthier you.

I know that none of this time-heals-all jabber is going to help you sleep tonight.

You WILL trust again - you will learn a new way how. You are NOT alone, there are many people who care about you.

Sleep aids have helped for many in the beginning - there's no shame in getting some help to get to sleep. Tea, baths, reading, stupid/funny movies all helped me go to sleep in the beginning.

We're here for you. I'm sending big hugs and sandman vibes.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/17/2014 00:28 AM

Hi Blind,

Was stopping in to respond to a pm and saw you here. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

I agree with Jrazz. You may not feel like you can ever trust again, but you will someday. I can tell by your writing in your other posts and have seen some of your empathetic comments to know that you are someone that gives a damn. Many times those qualities go hand in hand. I know you have been burned by your FOO, the person you are supposed to trust the most (WH), and many of your "friends" have tried to avoid you in your time of crisis somewhat. It's hard not to lose your faith in humanity when you are in so much pain and no one comes to your rescue. Don't worry about the trust thing so much yet.

Look at it this way... Even though this place is anonymous, it's full of empathetic and trust worthy people that are trying to help each other out right? So trust worthy people are out there.

Take care of yourself Blind. Wishing you leepy times.


doggiediva posted 2/17/2014 22:33 PM

I think part of what may be bothering you ( I know the same issue bothers me) is that you wonder if you can trust yourself to pick the right people to be in your life..You wonder how a loved one's shitty behavior went on for so long without you finding out about it..And then you wonder if this can happen again..

When or if you find out these people are toxic to you, how do you let go of them ? What is your favorite or best way to recover from hurt, pick up the pieces and go on with your life?

iamsoblind42 posted 2/18/2014 00:31 AM

Thanks for your continued support. I think you are exactly to right. I am so afraid I will continue to get hurt. I keep thinking I must somehow be drawn to these people that will lie to me and stab me in the back as it has happened so many times throughout my life and not just this M. One of my friends told me it's not me that's drawn to them but because I am so strong and such a positive person they are drawn to me like a moth to a flame. It's a nice way to look at it but how do I know if they are a moth?

[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 12:32 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

doggiediva posted 2/18/2014 09:09 AM

Part of what to work on for me is to anticipate that there will always be those times of getting/ or feeling hurt matter what we do for others in our life..It sucks when the source of hurt comes from a close loved one though..

Knowing exactly what to do for myself every time I get hurt can be a mystery, but knowing that I CAN find a way to heal if I work on myself is the thing that keeps me going..One of my issues that I HAVE to work on is my ability to make small talk.. I need to learn how to make people I don't know very well feel more at ease with me.. Otherwise how do I get the information I need for deciding whether or not these people are worth getting to know in the first place ? With that said, I have learned that people can be expert liars with nobody around them having a clue to this.... I need to learn my boundaries and be comfortable with enforcing them.. As long as I am honest with myself and others, and I don't lose my ability to make and keep friends, I will continue to have things big or small to look forward to in life, whether I am living alone or with a partner..

I hope that my attempts at putting my thoughts into words makes sense and that these words help..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:41 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Aceofbase posted 2/18/2014 11:19 AM

I understand and I have been going through some of those same issues. Just know that your response is normal. You have been threatened and your body is reacting to that threat.

Please see a doctor if this continues and be kind to yourself.

norabird posted 2/18/2014 11:38 AM

Questioning how you allowed yourself to end up in this situation is very normal and healthy. It is a giant learning experience. In the M, your boundaries got pushed around; now you can see that, it is pretty horrifying to know you went with it. But it will teach you how to be more firm with those boundaries in the future. At least that is what I am hoping for myself! It's a long process to get your land legs back and will take some time.

I agree with your friend who said it is your positive qualities that is so attractive to people lacking your strength and empathy. Being scared of this pattern repeating again is to be expected--but, I believe you will hold yourself back long enough to determine their true intent (I know for myself that I overlooked red flags as I assumed people were well-intentioned and upfront in the way I was), and in being able to trust again once you have.

iamsoblind42 posted 2/22/2014 08:54 AM

Seriously, I think I need medication. Woke up at midnight and could not go back to sleep. Anyone have any non-medication options that have worked?

norabird posted 2/22/2014 09:01 AM

I tried melatonin (didn't work) but ended up getting a scrip for ambien. I only used it every other night or so but I was glad to have it--otherwise I really would not have slept at all for a month straight. Once my situation gained some clarity I was able to stop using it immediately in case you're worried about dependence (I was, but my usage really ended up being absolutely temporary and my anxiety was for nothing).

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