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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: I'm Failing ..Anniversary Blues!!!!
Tiffany98
42015
Member # 42015
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it's been almost 2 months since I decided to divorce my WH. I was trying the 180 approach and I am failing horribly. February 15 would've been our 16th Anniversary. Besides being bombarded with all this Valentines Day crap I've been feeling very down. Yesterday was my oldest daughter's birthday she turned 13. First off, he comes over after 10pm to sing Happy Birthday after he said he was on his way at 8:30. I was pissed.
So none the less I tried to put on a strong face. The day of our Anniversary I avoided talking or texting him most of the day until he decided to call my daughter's phone to reach me. I knew he was with someone on Valentines Day because he turned off his phone, so i said to myself, "forget about him i am not talking to him tmrw."
Back to the party . He asked how was church today and I said it was nice. He said he couldn't wait to return in April. He was excommunicated bc of his adultery for 1 year, but when given time out the church you are NOT supposed to partake in the same behavior.. WELL HE DID !!! IF you do the same thing you get more time added. So I asked him how are you going to do that when you are about to get more time out the church for impregnating someone. He goes, "For a phone call someone made no evidence?" So I said , So you are going to lie and say you haven't had sex since you were put out? He said. "YOu are amazing, you want me to have more time out the church. " I responded, " You know what you did and you know you continued to have sex with people, don't you think you deserve more time? He said he told me that in MC so its patient confidentiality. I was like that's not true, you told this to me personally and the supposed pregnant emailed us and i have a voicemail from her,so? And i have a receipt from a date you went on. He called me a hypocrite a few times, then i punched him in his face.
He left saying now i have caused him not to be able to see his children bc i am hostile and violent...Cause and EFFECT he said. I caused him to get upset, now he can't come over and be comfortable enough to see the children,
I told him I was wrong and apologized. He said I need ic and said don't talk to him about nothing again other than the children.I don't know how to fix this, i just want to be cordial for the sake of all my babies. It is like the tables are turning and he is doing the 180 on me..WTH? Any suggestions?

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tiff98
myowndystopia
♀ 41340
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say stick to the 180. No chit chat about church, OW or bringing up past events. Maybe visits with the kids should not be in the home. And take his advice and go to IC- it may help you get stronger in dealing with everything.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Sadmumma
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

then i punched him in his face

While I don't agree with violence... That.. Is gold... I'm sure all BS have wanted to do that!!


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
selkiescot
♀ 23777
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ALl of us have wanted to punch our OW's and WH's in the face at one point. I dont condone violence but I love this.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're human. Humans sometimes fail. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you need more practice---as do ALL of us.

You didn't seek out contact. You responded.

With practice you'll learn not to take the bait.

With practice you'll learn there's no point, whatsoever, in engaging. It took me waaaay more than a few frustrating, non-productive conversations to reach this conclusion. Even now, I can get involved in one without even realizing it, if caught at a vulnerable time. Almost 100 percent of the time I have no contact. Almost 100 percent of the time when I do have contact, it is superficial and noncommittal. But sometimes he pushes one of those buttons he expertly installed.

Don't beat yourself up.

You're not failing. You're human.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9154 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tiffany98 -
My STBX displayed similar behavior. Your WH is trying to turn the tables on you. Do not let him put you on the defensive. He is deflecting his behavior by trying to put you in a bad light. If you're talking about you, then you're not talking about him. Does that make sense? It was happening to me ALOT, and out MC pointed it out to me in a private session without my WW. Once I realized what she was doing, I no longer allowed her to put me on the defensive all the time. It really helps. The next time your WH tries this, don't let him.

Until he is ready to be repentant, the absolute best thing you can do is ignore him entirely unless it pertains to your kids.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a very rough weekend. Glad you got through it.

No one said the 180 is easy. You're bound to make mistakes doing it. Just go back to talking only about kids and finances.

Have you filed for D? It seems like that could get him out of your hair to at least some extent.

Your church is important to you and, obviously, to him, and he's saying he will lie to get back in? How did he expect you to react?

He's obviously very screwed up, and I think he misunderstands confidentiality. Your C is probably constrained by ethics and perhaps by law to keep most things confidential, but you're not.

ETA: Right. No violence. It's dangerous.

Also, IC might be a good idea, even if it came from him. IC could give you emotional support and help you find and exercise strengths you don't know you have.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:03 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Tiffany98
42015
Member # 42015
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all who responded. You guys really made me feel better. I was feeling really bad and it doesn't help when he comes over and say, "Wow you look so beautiful. " He told me the night of the party too, that pissed me off too. I just say, "Well , that doesn't mean crap( used the curse word though)"
I have to be more independent. Being a SAHM has not helped. I have a small home school business but it is not enough to sustain a full household. He pays everything.
I have spoken to Legal Aid and I am working on a divorce. He came back home for 2wks, so I had to wait 30 more days. I get so angry bc I have sacrificed so much and this happens. He never corrected his behavior and he is freaking arrogant as hell. Now someone is pregnant!!!! I can't tolerate outside children. That was my breaking
point.
We have our annual church convention this week, it's open to the public so he can attend, but if I were him I wouldn't want to come. He has NO shame.He is paying for our hotel. I have to catch a plane with 5 children so he said he will fly with us to help me with them.
I want to know how I can remove these emotions from my heart and move on. I hate that he is making me start all over at 40 years old. I've been with him off and on since I was 14 years old.
I hate to be violent but he pushes me there. I tried to beat the hell out of him when we were in MC and he said his confessional about how he had UNPROTECTED SEX with several women. I just politely got up and went beezerk on him. How can he risk my life so easily knowingI have 5 children to take care of?
I think he is going to marry this pregnant girl as soonas we are divorced. That's the only way i see him coming back to the church. He said he's not and he is still denying her pregnancy by him to me, but I know he still sees her..bastard!!!! I just want this to be over with. I want my heart to be free of him.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tiff98
Tiffany98
42015
Member # 42015
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all who responded. You guys really made me feel better. I was feeling really bad and it doesn't help when he comes over and say, "Wow you look so beautiful. " He told me the night of the party too, that pissed me off too. I just say, "Well , that doesn't mean crap( used the curse word though)"
I have to be more independent. Being a SAHM has not helped. I have a small home school business but it is not enough to sustain a full household. He pays everything.
I have spoken to Legal Aid and I am working on a divorce. He came back home for 2wks, so I had to wait 30 more days. I get so angry bc I have sacrificed so much and this happens. He never corrected his behavior and he is freaking arrogant as hell. Now someone is pregnant!!!! I can't tolerate outside children. That was my breaking
point.
We have our annual church convention this week, it's open to the public so he can attend, but if I were him I wouldn't want to come. He has NO shame.He is paying for our hotel. I have to catch a plane with 5 children so he said he will fly with us to help me with them.
I want to know how I can remove these emotions from my heart and move on. I hate that he is making me start all over at 40 years old. I've been with him off and on since I was 14 years old.
I hate to be violent but he pushes me there. I tried to beat the hell out of him when we were in MC and he said his confessional about how he had UNPROTECTED SEX with several women. I just politely got up and went beezerk on him. How can he risk my life so easily knowingI have 5 children to take care of?
I think he is going to marry this pregnant girl as soonas we are divorced. That's the only way i see him coming back to the church. He said he's not and he is still denying her pregnancy by him to me, but I know he still sees her..bastard!!!! I just want this to be over with. I want my heart to be free of him.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tiff98
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tiffany)))

Oh, you need IC? If you do (and I'm sure it would be helpful) it is surely down to his being such a jerk! However it's not going to help to give in to your impulse to lash out. Take the high road. You will come out looking better if you turn the other cheek. Ignore him and shut him down as much as possible. Cordiality right now should be off the table though you don't have to be hostile. Act like he's a business associate.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 10

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