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grace31513 posted 2/17/2014 06:02 AM

I can't get the truth out from my WH so it might take a polygraph test to get it from him. I have done a little research and found there are 2 types of tests: the polygraph test and a voice stress analysis test. Does anyone here have any experience or knowledge with either one?

kalimata posted 2/17/2014 08:49 AM

The voice stress tests aren't as well accepted as the traditional polygraph.

Polygraph measures a variety of different things (respiratory rate, pulse, etc), and have been in use in law enforcement for dozens of years.

Nothing is 100% foolproof, but the traditional polygraph is the way to go. You will get only 5-6 questions that you can ask (in addition to a couple of control questions). These have to be yes/no answers.

So think carefully what you want to ask. You will probably get a full confession in the parking lot before the actual polygraph. Take a VAR with you to record what he says.

lordhasaplan? posted 2/17/2014 12:04 PM

agreed, most I have seen on here get a full confession shortly before if not in parking lot.

SeanFLA posted 2/17/2014 12:17 PM

I don't know. I read about BS's wanting polygraph tests from WS's. Personally I don't get it. If you are that unhappy with your WS and your current marriage why do you need to go to the hassle of doing that? You don't need a polygraph test to know you don't trust somebody. Isn't that enough reason right there to divorce as it stands? And if he even does pass, I'm sure it doesn't leave you with a relief that he isn't going to do this again in the future sometime and hide it from you. I'm from the old school of..."your gut is telling you something isn't adding up, it probably isn't." I don't need a machine to tell me that.

iamsoblind42 posted 2/17/2014 16:07 PM

Again, wishing there was a Like Button this website. Well said SeanFLA.

Jls0320 posted 2/17/2014 17:11 PM

I agree that if you feel like you need a polygraph, then just trust your gut that something's wrong. I considered it to find out the extent of my WHs EA, but realized I already had the answer I needed.

craig2001 posted 2/17/2014 18:10 PM

I think the reason a BS wants a polygraph taken is so they can know the truth, the entire truth to at least the major questions.

The need to know the truth is in many times extremely important to the mental health of the BS in the present and the future.

The not knowing and always wondering can be a living hell.

cantseestraight3 posted 2/18/2014 06:30 AM

I completely understand the want/need for a polygraph. I am still considering it for my WW. She has admitted to quite a bit, and some that I probably would never have found out and has said over and over that that is all of it, but I have absolutely no trust in her anymore.

I went from absolute trust, to 0 in about a minutes and a half and I have remained at 0 since.

My internal argument for a poly goes something like this: If she was good at covering her tracks, I will have no way of knowing if she came clean or not. She has already PROVEN to be an effective liar (effective on me at least) and I need some reassurance from an impartial source that this is true.

I have not researched it yet, but she agreed to take the poly when I mentioned it to her. This at least is a good sign.

I know that the poly is not perfect, but it could give me some small footing of solid ground.

If you can, please let us know what happens.

kalimata posted 2/18/2014 07:45 AM

The other major reason to ask for a polygraph is to incite fear in the wayward spouse.

Even if you don't trust them, it lets the wayward know how far the trust has been betrayed. It is more of a symbolic gesture than anything else.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/18/2014 08:56 AM

Don't be surprised, Grace, when you find "how to beat a polygraph test" in your husband's search history on his phone/computer/iPad/tablet, etc. etc.

Go with the poly over the voice test.

Lastly, it seems that most of the betrayed's who have scheduled a poly have received some sort of 11th hour confession - either when they were putting on their coats to go out to the car to drive to the poly test, in the car on the way, or in the parking lot at the poly tester's office. That's why they're referred to as 'parking lot confessions.' When they realize the humiliation of being wired up to a machine and trying to lie - only to have the poly expert be able to see through their deception and have you find out THAT way - they usually choose the last minute confession.

But beware - these liars will ONLY tell you just enough to get their neck out of the noose. Very rarely will they spill every last detail on the table. Why should they when only one piece of information (damning as it may be) will suffice? For example, on D-Day, maybe he claimed the affair was only 3 months long when in reality, it was 3 YEARS long. Your parking lot confession might be that the affair was "longer than 3 months - it was actually 1 year." So while this is a confession to you, it's STILL not the truth - but enough to make you THINK you've gotten the truth.

STRONG ADVICE: Even if you GET that 11th hour confession in your living room, in your car or in the polygraph office parking lot, DON'T CANCEL THE TEST!!!!!

An unfortunate reality is that most of us don't EVER get the whole story. Hold his feet to the fire Grace.

SeanFLA posted 2/18/2014 09:50 AM

The not knowing and always wondering can be a living hell.

Let me tell you something from experience. Knowing the whole truth can sometimes be a "worse than a living hell" experience too. Many days I wished I never learned eventually what I did. It only undermined my self-esteem and self-worth even more. That this person seemed so unhappy that she would go to these extremes. I know it's a reflection on her not me, but sometimes you just cannot shake that feeling, even years later. Be careful what you dig for. As much as you would like to believe, most likely you will not be any happier when you find out. I know I wasn't.

lostworld posted 2/18/2014 16:20 PM

I am a BS whose H took a polygraph. I didn't demand it, my FWH offered it, and I accepted it. While it is true that a polygraph is not a "silver bullet," it did help in our R. After a year long false R, the polygraph was a starting place to verify that NC had been established for the previous 3-4 months. I don't mean to offend or worse yet, insult anyone, but I don't think I was unique in not trusting a spouse who had cheated on me, while simultaneously hoping and believing that a true R was desirable and achievable. It is true that I was very unhappy and distrustful of my M at that time as it was early days, but I think that was rather typical for me as a BS. It didn't mean that I wanted or needed to give up on my H, my M, or my hopes. I think I would have an entirely different opinion if, after a lengthy R, I still needed a polygraph to feel safe in my M (thankfully that is not the case.)

The polygraph gave me renewed hope that my H was being honest and transparent; that he was actually willing to do any and all things necessary to rebuild himself and our M. The polygraph didn't guarantee an infidelity free future, but IMO nothing can provide that. As I said earlier, it did give me relief that changes had been made, and it gave me a little more willingness to stay in the M, which was truly what I wanted.

I did get an 11th hour piece of information, although it was nothing earth shattering or particularly enlightening. I also have to admit that it was a very stressful situation. It was humiliating to spill the innermost tragedy and secrets of my most intimate relationship to a stranger all because I couldn't trust my H. I was angry and embarrassed to find myself in this ridiculously awful situation, even though the shame and actions were not mine. But, despite all these rather negative emotions, it was worth it. The test results allowed me some much needed calm to really think clearly and productively about my future.

Following the test, I still worried, felt hurt and scared, but also felt hopeful for the future. Betrayal of this magnitude takes a very long time to work through, and the polygraph was just another step along the healing journey. I'm happy to say that I am now 6 years out from the final Dday, and my H and myself, and our M are in a very good place.

Oh jeez, I realized I perhaps t/j your post. I gave you my experience, but failed to answer completely I have heard the voice stress analysis is not as highly valued or accepted as the traditional polygraph.

grace31513 posted 2/19/2014 11:59 AM

Thank you all for your input so far. The afternoon after I posted this topic, I was informed that my mom had a major heart attack. She is in ICU right now, sedated and unresponsive, but I know she knows that I am here. I am sitting by her side and we are listening to her favorite radio station.

Anyway, while sitting here, thoughts of my M situation run around it my head and I decided to check the posts.

The need to know the truth is in many times extremely important to the mental health of the BS in the present and the future.

I can really relate to that. My H has not admitted to anything. I tracked him at an Asian Massage Parlor and he tells me he didn't know it was a front for prostitution and that all he got was a massage. Now, do I believe that, no, but I need him to admit it.
I don't think I was unique in not trusting a spouse who had cheated on me, while simultaneously hoping and believing that a true R was desirable and achievable.

If R is possible, then he has to be truthful. He doesn't want to end our M, but a R can't happen without him admitting to what he has done. Some may say that if he were truly remorseful and truly wanted to work on our M, then he would be honest. Maybe you are right. Maybe I don't want to face that right now. Maybe I just have to feel I've done everything I could before throwing away a marriage.

Thanks again for all the input!

Livingalie2014 posted 2/20/2014 00:52 AM

SeanFLA - is knowing the truth really worse than a living hell? I don't have the whole truth and my instinct is to dig for it. Is it better to know now, later or not at all?

Livingalie2014 posted 2/20/2014 00:52 AM

SeanFLA - is knowing the truth really worse than a living hell? I don't have the whole truth and my instinct is to dig for it. Is it better to know now, later or not at all?

CrazySad posted 3/14/2014 11:57 AM

WS offered to pay $300 to take polygraph 2 days after D-day. Results were that he was deceptive on all 3 questions I wanted asked. I don't know what to think. I am broken.

He was so angry when I told him the results, which made me believe he didn't lie on the tests. When I caught him on 3/10/14 (D-day), he was quiet and remorseful, admitting to his faults.

He said he is willing to take another one, but we have to use a different examiner. He says why would he waste $300 to lie. He says he is mad because it was a chance for him to prove to me he wasn't lying about what he'd already told me.

What do you all believe in regards to accuracy of polygraphs? I have read a bunch of stuff online (news and journal articles) saying they are not even >80% accurate; court rooms do not accept them in trials; & that they are highly subjective and dependent upon polygraph examiner.

Maybe I am just trying to convince myself he is telling me the truth NOW...

NeverAgain2013 posted 3/14/2014 12:19 PM

Well CrazySad, seeing in your profile that your husband has had over 100+ "encounters," I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my faith in the validity of the polygraph test your husband claimed was 'wrong.'

Sending you strength and sorry for the TJ.

DragonBunker posted 3/14/2014 13:03 PM

Mine refused to take one! On "moral grounds." Meaning he knew he was a filthy liar and didn't want his lack of morals exposed

ShiningAutumn8 posted 3/14/2014 13:17 PM

Im confused, did you catch him on Marc 10th and THEN have a polygraph which he failed? Or did he do the polygraph, and then you caught him cheating again on March 10th?

If its the former, that you caught him cheating, and then he offered and failed a polygraph 2 days later, what were the questions that were asked?

CrazySad posted 3/14/2014 18:29 PM

NeverAgain2013 - Thanks for your input. It is very maddening and saddening, but I appreciate the comments. I would not remember my last disgusting 100 encounters either...

DragonBunker - I mean, I am glad he took the polygraph, but he is not going to get any kudos from me for doing it. I still hate his actions.

ShiningAutumn8 - I caught him 3/10. He got STD tested and we went to meet a therapist 3/11. He offered to take the polygraph 3/12. We got results on 3/13. He told me a lot, but I wanted details. The questions I asked were:

1) Have you had >1 unprotected sex with anyone other than (my name)? <==== He admitted about one instance.

2) Have you ever paid a prostitute more than $150?

3) Have you had sex with someone without having to pay?

Other regular or baseline questions include:
"Between the ages if 18-25 (he is 27), have you ever lied to your family or friends?" ====> He said yes. The examiner says he is supposed to say no because he wasn't supposed to consider this situation, which he had been lying about for 5 years.

"Between the ages of 18-25 (he is 27), have you done something you have been ashamed of?" ====> He said yes, but the examiner said he is supposed to say no because he wasn't supposed to consider this situation, which he is ashamed of.

I'll have to ask him about the others. I think the baseline questions were not well written.

[This message edited by CrazySad at 6:31 PM, March 14th (Friday)]

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