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Rocket999 posted 2/17/2014 09:04 AM

I found my wife has been cheating on me last Tuesday. Needless to say I'm a mess! I haven't confronted her yet because a friend of mine who had been through this before advised me to let some of the emotions play out first inside me.

We have been married 11 years and have a 8 year old boy. Things have not been great for a few years. We have basically been like roommates. I knew this and do did she. I still loved her though as I assume she did me. We never really fought or anything abusive, verbally or physically. I work hard take care of my family and spend tons if time with my son. Not a very balanced life I know. Anyway, we both could of and should have stopped over the last few years and paid attention to our marriage and worked on it. We both know people in way worse marriages.

Anyway, I found out she has been having an affair with a guy she met at work. It's been going on as far back as jan 2013. I can trace it back that far through texts. It goes back farther I'm sure. She has been leading a double life. She pretty much has always been home and left at the same times everyday. Nothing too suspicious. I'm assuming they had quickies at work or in car. Probably have met at hotels maybe. According to her texts she and he are supposedly in love too. He is married and has at least 2 kids. Just being a guy I know he is telling her whatever she wants to hear to keep getting some. I don't think he wants to lose his kids and not see them everyday. He's very inconsistent in their "relationship" and pops in and out. Obviously he is he's MARRIED!

Not knowing what to do, and thinking of my son first( imagine that) I'm looking for a way to confront her. I'm trying to take a different approach even though its eating me up inside! So I came to her Friday morning and told her that we need to work on our marriage or just forget it. Just in general because we have been roommates. She acknowledges that. I was trying to draw a confession out of her. We actually had a good talk and I communicated alot of my feelings about our relationship. Something that I normally don't do which is one of the problems. She cried, I cried, blah blah blah. She said she would go see someone with me and that she didn't want to hurt our son in a divorce. We talked about divorce too and she said she didn't want to. She said, after I acknowledged , that she loved me but wasn't in love with me. That didnt hurt me because I feel the same way. I keep a lot in and can live with alot just to keep everyone happy. Obviously she didn't admit anything which I knew she wouldn't. We've talked a couple more times since, but nothing. I thought it was worth a try as I an trying to avoid a major confrontation. I know i have to and will, just trying to get my ducks in a row.

Knowing her she will run out of the house when it happens. She's going to be shocked I know. I know she's going to want to alert him about it ASAP. She also has two friends that have been encouraging her through it. The selfishness of these women is amazing. One of them is in an affair too too and they comiserate. I know my wife just thought she would lead a double life Have her cake and eat it too. I would take care of her and she could be safe and love and screw him on the side. Unless he was willing to leave his wife and kids, then she would probably leave me. Not once thinking of her kid. Like that relationship would last long term anyway. She told me she needs passion and we don't have it. We have or could have a lot of other things in our marriage, but maybe not that. We have never been hanging off the chandeliers doing it anyway. But like I said it wasn't horrible otherwise. We obviously have some underlying problems anyway. Lack if communication etc. Who has everything in a marriage?

So what do I do? I don't know or think I can stay with her. I might be willing to try if she really wanted to mostly for my son. I woukd have major trust issues for sure. Also I don't know if I would believe her commitment to honestly working on it because she has nowhere to go and little money. I can't believe she hasn't thought of an end game here. She has 2 friends helping her she must have a "oh crap I got caught now whats the plan" plan. I don't thigh she does. She lives in the moment. Which is another problem we have. She's safe with me. So I think her plan is to get what she needs from both of us. Which is really f**ked up. Think her kid isn't getting the short end of the stick? That's what bothers me the most.

I know she needs to be confronted. I know if I want to try to work it out she has to end it with him. Don't think she will really. One plan I had was to contact him, I don't know him, and tell him calmly to never contact her again or I will get the information I have to his wife. Basically let her think you died. No contact whatsoever. I can monitor this because i have access to her cell phone bill. Its in my name. Shes been too stupid to be careful. It is indisputable evidence believe me. Pics, texts etc. I am under the assumption he doesn't want to lose what's he's got and is playing the game with my wife to keep it going. If it blows up in my face and he calls her and tells her I know then oh well. I've got nothing to lose anyway. At least i take down his marriage and kids too. If im going down im taking people with me. Her cheating friend too. Ive got the goods on her too that im sure her husband would like to know. I'm sure my wife will be mad at me for invading her privacy. Like screwing a guy for well over a year isn't anything !!

I needed to get this off my chest and need some advice. Either way something is going to happen soon. It's hard because my son is always here when we are. I need to plan a time. We don't tell or fight in front of him and I definitely don't want him knowing this. It's going to be hard enough on him if it all goes to hell. She acknowledged the other day that she would let me have him that she knows I'm the better parent and provider. I know that changes too though because one of her advisers will let her know age can get child support from me probably if she takes him. She'll be broke anyway. What a nightmare!!

Thank you!

jjct posted 2/17/2014 09:20 AM

hey Rocket - you're in the right place, sorry you had to find us though!
Do NOT contact the OM.
Contact his BS!
How would you like it if she knew and didn't tell you?
Do not threaten, do not even tell your W you are doing it. Just do it, with kindness and compassion, leaving a dump email address for further contact if necessary. Let go of the outcome there!
Also, I love you but I'm not in love with you is
ILYBINILWY around here - it is used so often.

You are not invading her privacy - you're invading her secrets. Big difference. Don't take the blame for that, or anything for that matter. You were both in the same struggling M. Did you cheat?
She cheats because she can and she wants to - it is her choice. YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE IT!

I think it wise to step away a bit, and get your ducks in a row before you confront.
Have you seen an attorney for a free consult?
Do that.
It helps you know.

Lastly, take care of yourself so you can take care of the little one.
Keep posting brother - sending strength!

Bigger posted 2/17/2014 09:34 AM

Oh man… I hesitate to step in…
I have heard stories comparable to yours dozens of times here on SI… Maybe even hundreds of times… And we always tend to answer the same way… And the poor betrayed husband that has poured his heart out to us tends to look at the advice and think we are craaaaazy… never to post again…

So let me just start by telling you this:
You are in for a very hard ride. This is going to take time and require immense heavy and hard action on your part. Most of the advice we offer is going to sound totally insane and counterproductive. But it’s going to save you.

It’s sort of as if you posted about a medical condition. As if you told us that you had an immense pain in a cut in your left foot and it was swollen and turning black. And then we tell you that you need to get it amputated. It’s not what you want to hear. It’s not what you want to do. But chances are that it’s the correct advice.

First piece of advice:
The affair is NOT your fault. The condition of your marriage is not an excuse for your wife to seek solace outside the marriage. There is NEVER a good reason or an excuse for infidelity. Shure the situation might explain why she decided to go this path, but her decision is and will always be wrong. To use one more comparison: It’s like deciding to kill someone because of his bad breath.
So no matter what your WW says then YES – accept responsibility for the condition of the marriage but NEVER accept an ounce of responsibility for her decision to cheat.

Take care of yourself. Make sure you get some food down your throat. Don’t drink excessively. Exercise. Shower. Groom yourself. Give yourself time to rest, think and relax. This situation WILL NOT clear up in a few days or weeks.

Do NOT negotiate with OM. Do not threaten to tell his wife. Do not ask him to stop sticking his d@ck in her. Instead gather the evidence you have and then let his wife know.
This is so very very important. NOTHING you can do will help your marriage more right now than telling his wife.

Don’t negotiate with your wife.
There is no way you can control her. There is no way you should negotiate on how she should act. Instead you tell her that she is totally free to be with OM and any other man in this universe. But not as your wife. So unless she clearly and verbally commits to NC with the OM, to end the affair and to commit to the marriage you simply assume the marriage is over.

How unique is your WW job? How hard would it be to get another job? What would affect your income and life more? Your wife having an ongoing affair or a temporary loss of income?
Seriously dude – your wife will probably need to leave that job. It depends though how best to do that. What is their work relationship? Is he the same level, a manager or same department?

TheClimb posted 2/17/2014 09:35 AM

I'm sorry Rocket; I know how bad this sucks. You don't even realize how well you are handling this. I waited about three weeks to confront as I only had cell phone records and needed the help of a PI.

I am assuming you have kept copies of these texts in a safe place? The very best course of action is to not give the piece of shit guy or your wife a head's up. You need to get another copy of the texts and give it to the guy's wife. I would also then immediately, provide copies of the damning texts you have on your wife's friend to her husband. Then sit back and watch the fireworks. Who cares if your wife is pissed that you outed their little fairy tale? This is called a "consequence". She needs to get used to them.

Also, be ready for her to turn nasty and blame this entirely on you. I am willing to bet that she won't stop seeing the other guy right away either; plan on them taking the affair underground for a while.

Read through posts submitted under the Healing Library. You will see that when people are in the middle of "affair fog", you can't reason with them. It is like they are addicted. You cannot love her back; but you can stand firm and tell her you will not allow there to be another person in your marriage. She needs to got no contact with him immediately and probably start looking for another job. Counseling for her is also a good idea; she needs to figure out why she thought it was ok to date while married.

Before I confronted, I took the time to open my own bank account and I transferred half of our joint money into this account. I also hired an attorney and knew what my rights were BEFORE I confronted. There is no harm in getting information.

Keep posting and take care of yourself and your son. We have been in your shoes and you are going to be ok...

artec posted 2/17/2014 09:44 AM

First things first, you are correct, you don't want your son to get wind of anything, nor be subject to any confrontation that will most likely arise. Foremost is keeping his world as stable as possible through whatever decision you make going forward. Not sure if you can arrange for him to sleep over at a friend or grandparents, but such a discussion won't likely be a quick discussion.

I wouldn't recommend letting things continue to slide, you need to address the issue. No matter how you try get your emotions and the like in order before confronting, chances are they will be rattled again during the confrontation.

You need to decide if there is a relationship to salvage and if you believe there is and want to salvage it you'll will need to find out the same from her. For it to work both parties need to be invested in the relationship.

I firmly believe there is no excuse for an affair, but I believe there is much that can be learnt from it and used to build a better relationship.

[This message edited by artec at 9:44 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

numb&dumb posted 2/17/2014 09:48 AM

Hey man,

I am sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

I think your plan is solid. jjct has given you solid advice.

Use the cover of normalcy to get your ducks in a row. See an Attorney to know your ights.

Keep monitoring to gain some "evidence." It also shows that you are serious. Many wayward wives (WWs) seem to think what they have done" isn't that bad and he will be happy to have me back." Especially true if she has toxic friends that are promoting this in her head. Through her off her gameplan and teach her earlier on, only you call the shots from here on out.

I think telling OM BW would be the best bet. It ends the relationship and he will likely through her under the bus. Much easier to pick up the pieces without a willing OM

One more thing is that once it is out in the open, make sure than either he or her find a new job. NC with OM and her toxic friends forever both mentally and physically are required for any chance at reconciliation to work.

In the meantime take of yourself physically. Eat (drink protein shakes if you can't eat), rest (gets meds if need be) and exercise. Just a walk each day will work wonders. Spend time with your son and show him how much you love him.

Time with son=Attention=Love, in a kids world.

Take care man, you have a good head and a good heart. Remember that. She can't take that away from you. If it comes to that realize making the correct decision isn't always the easiest one.

Take care and again so sorry. You will survive this and be happy again. That much, I can promise you.

grace31513 posted 2/17/2014 09:53 AM

Sorry Rocket that you are going through this. I am new to this site and I can identify with your marriage; my husband and I have been roomates as well.

I don't have any advice to give although you've gotten some great advice already. Thanks for posting, Bigger. Your words have helped me as well.

All the best to you, Rocket!

Merlin posted 2/17/2014 09:57 AM

Lock up your "proof" before you do anything!

Print it out and download it to a secure location. Whatever it is - him, her, the enablers- all of it. That stuff can vanish in a heartbeat and you'll be left with vapor and nothing to go on.

She does not get to use you and your family as backstop, safety net or training wheels. That is ridiculous.

But it is normal for cake eaters and liars.

Brandon808 posted 2/17/2014 10:04 AM

What jjct said x1000

Please take what he said to heart. We've all been there, done that. We are speaking from experience and having made those mistakes.

RealityStinks posted 2/17/2014 10:08 AM

Rocket -
Read what Bigger said, and do it.

Do not contact the OM. It will do absolutely no good. Promise. Been there, done that (sort of, I caught them together and told him off). He's already aware of you I'm sure, and he doesn't care. Saying "please stop screwing my wife" only makes you look weak.

I would contact the OM's wife. Tell her what you know and be willing to give her what evidence you have. Be prepared for her not to believe you.

Then, I would tell your WW what you know, and tell her to get out. If she is truly repentant and remorseful as demonstrated by ACTIONS, then you can negotiate R. I can not stress the following enough: Do not believe a word she tells you for the time being. She will lie, lie, and lie again. Verify whatever she says based on her ACTIONS.

Hang in there buddy. It's gonna be a long ride.

Rocket999 posted 2/17/2014 10:11 AM

Thanks for the advice ! Here is more info. He was actually fired back in April. I know, quality dude. She was depressed back then and seeked comfort from her conniving friends. I have all their text correspondence too. She obviously wasn't too concerned about the quality time she took away from her son during her depressed days when he wouldn't contact her. Basically laid in bed.

More background. I'm really hurt since I have done everything imaginable to get us through some tough times. When the economy went down we had a hard time. I'm a small business owner and we had to claim personal bankruptcy a few years ago. We are able to keep our house and I was tenacious in doing that because I wanted my son to grow up in one home. I did everything through the whole process. She did nothing. No sacrifice on her part. I sold equipment, pawned, borrowed etc to keep this house for us. Nobody ever went without !! I have a lot of anger towards her not only for that and now screwing it up but other times before that where she was lazy and could have done more. Problem is I never spoke up and expressed my feelings to her. Probably just to avoid a fight. Stupid I know. I did tell her my feelings the other day though. That I've been bottling stuff up for years and had alot of anger towards her. I'm not even saying I'm taking any blame for this. I know it's not my fault. Just giving you the info.

The only reason I was going to contact OM was to be sure they ended contact as best I could. The threat of contacting his wife would do it maybe. I know my wife isn't strong enough too. She thinks she's in Iove and he loves her. Ya right.

unfound posted 2/17/2014 10:26 AM

welcome to SI Rocket. You'll get great advice, compassion and empathy here.

Right now, you're in crisis mode. As hard as it might be, don't let your emotions control your actions. Like Bigger said, taking care of yourself is going to be first and foremost.

*get your "ducks in a row" before you confront (see below points). Gather proof (text records etc), financial info and legal paperwork and make copies. have a safe place to keep it that your W will have no access to.

*see an attorney. You need to know what your rights are/will be. This doesn't mean you have to file right away, but it will give you an idea of what you are dealing with.

*go to your dr and get std tested. do NOT have sex with your W unprotected.

*open a bank account in your name only.

*Do NOT contact the OM. This will probably only increase contact and drive the A further underground.. It also gives him a heads up to fill his W's head with "crazy man accusing me of affair". Don't threaten to expose the A to his W (to him or your W), just do it (see below).

*If possible, have your son away from the house during confrontation. School, a friends or relatives house etc...

*Ideally, expose the A to the OM's W right before you confront your W. This eliminates the chance that your W and OM have time to get their stories "straight". Be gentle and compassionate to her (OM's W). Offer proof if she wants it and a way to contact you with questions in the future. Have no expectations of her reaction.

*Do NOT reveal your sources to your W.

*Be prepared for her to be angry, breaking down, denying, indignant, denying, faulting you, denying. Try to keep even keeled. Do NOT allow her to drag you into her drama/denying or steer the confrontation off subject. Be in control of the confrontation.

* if you decide this is a deal breaker, then you will be prepared and will have your ducks in a row to move through the process of divorce/separation.

*Ultimately she has a choice. You or him. No time to decide, mull over or think about. If she doesn't "know", then let her know that she can decide that on her own, without you...You may or may not be available for her when she comes to a decision.

**if she refused to decide, chooses to leave or needs time, then let her know you consider the two of you separated and you are prepared to execute the legalities of her choice to protect yourself and your son.

*if she chooses to end the A, Demand NC. Immediately. whether it be by text, email or snail mail. There are some great examples of NC letters in the healing library. Anything sent is to be approved by you and witnessed by you. This is NOT a time for closure or apologies. Cut, dry, done. Block his number/email. There should be NO other contact with him from this point forward, whether it be initiated or received. Also, NC with the unhealthy friends that support the A.

*Know that this is a long road. No matter what you choose to do. Your emotions will be all over the place. The stages you'll go through will be similar to the 5 stages of grief. While nothing can make this better, being prepared and having a good support system (SI, IC, trusted friends/family) can help.

I know this is a lot to take in . There's more to it, but those are the basics (I"m sure others will add to/have better advice) Remember, you don't have to make any decisions right away. Take care of YOU first and foremost.

Keep reading, keep posting.

[This message edited by unfound at 10:30 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Gman1 posted 2/17/2014 10:54 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation. It is very sad and everybody here knows exactly what it feels like because each of us has been in the exact same place as you are now in. This advice is great and you should follow it. You are probably wondering why it is so important to tell the OM's wife. It's called exposure. If you do not expose this A to other people, it will continue. It is the best card you hold in your hand.

I would contact the OM's wife today if I were you.

Rocket999 posted 2/17/2014 11:34 AM

I have his full name and phone #. Going to take a while to find his house and wife. I will though.

This is unbelievable!! If it weren't for my son her stuff would be on the front lawn tonight. I think I'm going to go with the shock and awe plan. F**k em all!!

I have thought about taking the money out of account and opening different one. It's mine anyway. She cant even go to a hotel.

My major pain is how my son is going to respond to us not being together anymore. He's going to be devastated. He's very sensitive. I can't even imagine what to say to him. I will not talk bad about his mother to him. Unfortunately we are linked for life because of him. Too bad she didn't think of that before she f**ked the other dude. B*tch. Whore. I'm very angry now.

All the proof I have I sent to my best friend. It's not on my computer or in this house. I'm not as stupid as her.

njgal480 posted 2/17/2014 11:44 AM

So sorry you found yourself here.
I am 7 yrs post d-day and can still remember how raw and devastated I was.
Like your WW I knew that my FWH would react in a volatile way if confronted- run out of the room, house ,etc.

So.... I did what the others have suggested. Gathered up all of my infidelity evidence in a folder etc.
But then...I made an appt with a therapist ( I had seen her years earlier due to another unrelated family issue but she knew my history etc.).
I went to the therapist myself first and laid out what I had found out.
And then I asked her if she would be willing to see us both and I would confront him about the affair in the therapists office.

I knew that there was a much better chance of him sitting still long enough to hear me out and to answer some of the questions in a calmer and more controlled and neutral setting.

lordhasaplan? posted 2/17/2014 11:50 AM

Please expose the affair to his wife, not him. That has your best chance of your wife getting thrown under the bus and realizing like my wife she was was a cum receptacle, that is all.
Please get tested for STD's no one has recommended that yet. Many BS's out here have gotten a VD from OM/OW. Focus on your son, yourself and do not get into WW games. They are liars. They will say anything to minimize. anything she says its much worse. This is not your fault its on her. Find OM wife. IF you cant, hire a Investigator to do it.

edited because my fat fingers hate iphones.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 11:52 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Hoping2survive posted 2/17/2014 12:38 PM

You've been given great advice here! So sorry that you're in this club now : (

One thing I might add - how about confronting her with a therapist? Schedule a session. She said she would go, right? And let her know, in front of the therapist, what you know. It's a safe place, away from your son, and she won't get away with blaming you because any good therapist will set her straight.

Good luck. Be strong. Take good care of yourself!

Rocket999 posted 2/17/2014 12:49 PM

Hoping2survive, I am thinking about doing it at therapy also.

By me telling his wife isnt that giving my wife what she wants? His wife may just throw him out and my wife will follow him I'm sure. I want to screw it up for my wife too. I can't stand the thought of my son going to see her with that scumbag around.

Howie posted 2/17/2014 12:49 PM

Good advice, man. Collate and act. None us wanted this, it is a fact,like being mugged. There are various tactical factors in confronting her (messages above say it much better than I can) but then you must.She will have reasons but there is no defense for betrayal (excepting maybe a reciprocal betrayal). None. She must feel and express her remorse in good time and then--all things following, its up to you to reconcile or not.It is going to be bad for sometime.It does get better.

wert posted 2/17/2014 12:57 PM

My major pain is how my son is going to respond to us not being together anymore. He's going to be devastated. He's very sensitive. I can't even imagine what to say to him. I will not talk bad about his mother to him. Unfortunately we are linked for life because of him. Too bad she didn't think of that before she f**ked the other dude. B*tch. Whore. I'm very angry now.

I could reiterate what a lot of people here wrote but I won't waste your time. Good advice in general. I would add a few things though -

- Try and slow down. I remember my brain being on over drive. If you can slow it down a little and remember that the sun will come up tomorrow with or without her it will help you think more clearly.

- Your W did it. It's not on you. That all said, remember who you are and how you want to behave. Don't let other people's messed up actions dictate yours. Your didn't cheat take pride in that.

- A therapist said something to me right after D-day that I did not believe for a long time. You have a lot of power in your relationship right now. She messed up. She doesn't support herself fully. You are the better parent. Take a little time prior to confronting her and think about what you want.

NC, Leave her Job, Complete honesty from her from this point forward, she looses all privacy, Must attend IC and figure out why she did this and anything else you want. She can't be your slave, but she should be contrite. If she is not, start the process of D.

- After confrontation turn away from her for a while. Tune into you. It is real easy to focus on your dumb ass W right now, but truth is you have some work to grieve and heal from as well. Spend time with you kid one on one, pick up a new hobby, go out with friends. Basically, don't give all your attention to the dumb ass that betrayed you, you don't want to reward that behavior. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and explain to you why she did that. It will take a while and you may need to be patient.

- Find someone you can trust to talk to about this - IRL. I had two friends and while they grew sick of me whining all the time, I would run through a brick wall for them now. I think they would for me as well.

Above all - take care of you. You are the only one you got. WW are a dime a dozen.

Take care...

[This message edited by wert at 1:01 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

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