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I can't reach him

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BrokenButTrying posted 2/17/2014 10:31 AM

Just had a huge discussion with BH that ended with him kicking the rubbish bin, threatening to smash the kitchen up and storming upstairs. I'm upset so this might not make sense.

He says this can never be ok, he can never forgive me. He doesn't want to ever talk about the A because there's no point, it just makes him angry. He's dealing with it fine on his own. He doesn't want to talk about it, read books and he doesn't need to heal. He doesn't want me anymore and he wants to separate permanently.
He says me wanting to talk about it, read books and work towards rebuilding just means I don't 'get it'.

He was so angry. He is absolutely surpressing things. He refuses IC, so he's not dealing with anything. He says he's ok as long as he just blocks it all out. This is SO much like our pre-A marriage issues, he just pushed it all down, refusing to discuss anything and pretending like our issues didn't exist. I couldn't reach him, I couldn't help him see that if we worked together it could be better. It's exactly the same now.

I'm working so hard on our M, on myself and to support him. He just can't see that it can be any better than this. I'm starting to think this is a deal breaker for him. It's not even two months since Dday but he's not open to suggestion that it might be too soon to make permanent decisions, he thinks his feelings will never ever change.

He's not reading anything, he's not on SI, he's not having IC, he's got no one but me talking to him about it, no other influences or voices of reason.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to be strong and hang in there for him but I don't think he even wants me to anymore.

Half of me feels like giving up but the other half of me wants to fight tooth and nail for our marriage.

20WrongsVs1 posted 2/17/2014 10:53 AM

Oh gosh, less than two months out, those are volatile times. At this point his pain, his anger, his rejection of you...are really typical. Once you've been around SI for several months, trust me, you will see the same thing play out time and again. Not to minimize what you're going through, at all, but it's kinda normal.

The conventional wisdom is, don't make any permanent decisions for six months...but as you say, he's not open to hearing that from you. He's not open to hearing much of anything from you, including apologies. Which is also typical.

The fact is, maybe this was a dealbreaker. Maybe he can never forgive you.

I'm trying to be strong and hang in there for him but I don't think he even wants me to anymore.

As hard as it is, you need to let go of the outcome of your M, and just take care of yourself and your children as best you can. You cannot control BH, and you're certainly in no position to be dictating what BH should be doing to heal himself or the M. Remember (harsh, sorry) your solution to your M problems was to shag another man. Turning around and suggesting that BH go to IC, read, etc....that may give BH the impression that you're blaming him for your A. And another thing I've learned from my time on SI, is that the BS often blames him/herself, at least on some level, initially. Talk about a bitter pill, or as many say around here, shit sandwich!

BH has got to take back some of his power and control in the M, and that may mean separating for awhile. And, not giving a damn about what you think he should or shouldn't do.

FWIW, you do seem to "get it," at least one helluva lot more than I did at that point!

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 10:55 AM, February 17th, 2014 (Monday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 2/17/2014 11:12 AM

Please don't apologise for being harsh, 2x4's are always welcome! I often need them!

He has agreed to go to our old MC (now my IC) by himself tomorrow. I think he said it in an effort to shut me up but I really don't care at this point. He needs someone else to talk to right now.

He has been consistently calm for a good month now. He would swing from being very cold towards me, to being loving and affectionate but he was always calm. He was just surpressing it all. It's good to know this is normal though.

I have agreed to the separation (he first brought it up three weeks ago) I'm more than happy to do whatever he needs. I actually think some space will be beneficial for both of us. If he decides to D, it will make me very sad but I think I have accepted it as a consequence of my own choices. I don't feel panicky about D like I used to.

I just hate to see him hurting knowing that I caused that pain. I want to help him but I think I'm pushing too hard. He doesn't seem to want to help himself either, I guess I just have to hope he'll get there in the end.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 11:14 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 2/17/2014 11:20 AM

Hmmm. It's just occurred to me that FOO issues might be influencing me on this.

My own mum's A, twenty years ago, deeply traumatised my dad. He was angry for many years, never processed or dealt with his feelings. It affected his relationship with everyone around him, especially me and my siblings. He never had another partner, has never been on a date or anything. He lives on his own, miles from the rest of the family. Although he let go of the anger a few years ago and we all noticed a marked change in him when that happened, it has damaged all his relationships.

I might be over thinking things, worried about my children's relationship with BH if he suppresses the anger. Time to take a step back, put the children to bed and have a bath I think.

StrongerOne posted 2/17/2014 18:18 PM

Perspective from a BS:

Very soon after DDay, my H suggested, multiple times, that maybe I should get back in IC (wonderful IC, helped me work through stuff about our DS's illness), it would really help me.

Now, he was right, and I can see now that he was really worried about me and wanted to help.

But every time he said that, I felt shot through with wild anger. Why should *I* go to IC? I wasn't the one who was f'd up! Nor would he go to IC or MC. Argh! It always felt to me like he was deflecting attention away from himself and from what he had done and was doing.

So I think that while you need to be supportive, open, and remorseful, you need to not tell him how to heal. You need to stop focusing on fixing him, and focus on fixing yourself. Part of the consequences for a WS is that they have to witness the BS's pain and not only not be able to fix it, but to know that they caused it.

Good luck. R is very hard, I hope you will keep at it.

Prayingforhope posted 2/18/2014 04:19 AM

Hi Broken, I can give you an interesting point of view. Your post and many I have read about situations just like this soon after DDay reminds me how powerful and useful separations can be.

My BS and I did an in-home separation for the first month (because I wouldn't leave) and it was a nightmare. Violence, anger, hate, physical abuse, you name it and it was happening between us and mostly right in front of the kids - yikes.

The separation made sense then and it makes sense now. So soon after DDay the emotions are out of control. I can feel what's going on inside me and it's not pretty and I have passing glimpses of what my BS is going through (monthly MC session) and nothing much has changed yet - and this is almost 4 months later.

My therapist reminds me constantly that time has a healing power IF it's given the TIME to work. Patience, endurance, work on yourself, and give your BS the most distance possible for his healing. Your BS sounds a lot like mine, which means recommendations from you, especially YOU, are often more painful than no contact at all.

Give him space, work on a better version of you, and if it's possible, think about offering him a "healing separation" to calm things down and think things over. This is not about you leaving or giving up, this is about you offering him a healing space alone where he's not going to be triggered by you.

From my own POV, the hardest thing I have done yet was leave my home - it was selfless, it hurt a lot and still hurts me daily as I don't see my kids every day. BUT, it has helped my BS more than any words or books or IC or anything could ever do at this stage, so think about giving that a shot if it keeps getting worse.

Good luck!

BrokenButTrying posted 2/18/2014 06:01 AM

Thank you, PFH. Your words are comforting.

Unfortunately, we live in uk military housing and neither of us is allowed to remain living here without the other.
BH can move into single solider accommodation just up the road but from the date he leaves the house, I have a deadline of 90 days to vacate the property.

If moved out (impossible at the moment, it will take awhile for me to find somewhere) BH would have to leave immediately into single accommodation.

I have agreed to a separation, I think it would be beneficial to both of us. I just need to learn to back off and give him space.

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