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Lessons Learned and To Be Learned

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MadeOfScars posted 2/17/2014 10:31 AM

Long post alert!

Like many of us here, I’m trying to still somehow make sense of this new reality and how it came to be. Some answers we’ll never know. Other answers we may get, but they will still be hard to accept or understand. For me, this exercise kinda helps me keep things in perspective as I try to make since of where I am now. Anyway, here’s some lessons the STBXW has taught me.

1.It is possible to love someone truly and deeply for years, and then suddenly, just stop. I do believe we had something real at one point. Now, she no longer feels the same.

2.It is possible for someone you know and trust so deeply to change. Their dreams, their ambitions, their very soul can morph and mutate into something that looks so familiar on the outside, but is so foreign on the inside.

3.Monsters are real, and the most vicious monsters are the ones you don’t see coming, those you trust and love the most. You give so much to them before you realize what they are, and as such, these monsters can single-handedly destroy you.

4.Just because you keep your word doesn't mean others will. Vows are just words to some, and they easily justify their reasons to no longer abide by them.

5.Those you trust unconditionally count on that trust to do whatever they want behind your back, to step out on you, and to make you feel guilty for ever doubting them.

6.Your life can be one thing one minute, then completely different the next.

7.Emotional pain can be absolutely devastating. It is a pain unlike any other.

8.When your special someone becomes so much a fabric of your life, it is simply hard to accept that one day, they are gone. It is especially cruel that this person can so easily separate herself from you with the greatest of ease. One day here, the next day gone. Just. Like. That.

9.While I know I did nothing to deserve this, I cannot help but think and wonder what is so wrong with me that she could just leave, just need to be away from me. Why am I not worthy of love? What did I do that was so terrible? How do I NOT take this personally? It’s not possible to not wonder.

10.Despite all some do to destroy you, you still miss them oh so terribly. You at least miss who they once were.

11.There are questions you will never have answered, and there are answers you cannot accept. She has made this decision, and there is nothing I can or should do to change it.

Lessons learned from SI and others on my journey.

1.I need to make myself into someone I am truly, fully happy with. I need to put myself first and base my self-worth not on the love of another, but on who I am. Until then, I have no business trying to love again.

2.I will survive this.

3.Somehow, someway, my life will be better for it in the long run.

4.Trust is earned. I mean, truly, truly earned. Trust is a valuable thing in the right hands, and a weapon of mass destruction in the wrong hands.

5.Despite these thoughts lodged in my head that try to beat me down and say otherwise, I am worthy of love, and this is not my fault.

6.I have to accept she won’t come back. I have to accept she is someone else’s love now. I have to assume the worst when it comes to her. I have to stop looking at her through the rose-colored glasses of who she used to be and realize who she is now. I have to walk away from that part of my life. I have to move on. I have to understand that she is no longer mine in any way, and we are strangers. “Now she’s just somebody that I used to know.”

7.I have to accept that the family and friends I met through her are likely gone from my life as well. I have to accept that she may have painted a horrible picture of me to justify her actions. I have to accept that they were never truly my friends or family since I have heard from none of them since she so cruelly tore my life into pieces. I will truly miss my little nieces and nephews who really liked me too. It’s sad they lost their doting uncle in all of this.

8.There will be good days and bad days on this roller-coaster. As time progresses, the former will far outnumber the latter.

9.I have a chance at a new life that’s mine and mine alone to shape. This is both terrifying and inspiring.

10.I have a chance to find a true, loving partner. I say “partner” in that I need to be able to love again, but not at the expense of who I am. While our lives will intertwine, I cannot lose sight of who I am and base my own self-worth in her, whoever she may be.

11.I was willing to give up the possibility of children for my STBXW. Despite the love and sacrifice I showed her, she still tossed me aside like nothing. Anyway, I can now look forward to a future that may include children after all. I do want to be a father, and I have that chance again.

I’ve debated posting the last communication I had with her, and while it won’t change the situation, I am still curious what others here may think of this. Like I said, the “rose-colored glasses” make this seem compassionate to me at times, but mostly, this sounds like vague and self-centered attempts at justifying her actions. There was some communication before and after this reply, but this is definitely the meat of it. The mentioned “intimacy issues” were as much her as me btw – that’s really all I’ll get into and it does NOT justify her by any means. I doubt anything here will reveal her name or anything in real life any more so than any other post of mine, so I hope that by posting this I'm not violating any rules here.

Although I am curious to hear what ideas you said you had that would help us both out, I feel they may be a moot point after I get out the things I am about to say. I agree that the discussions ahead will not be easy to have. I hope you know that even though this entire thing is my decision and my doing, it is not easy for me. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and have really been looking forward to being on my own. This really has more to do with me than anything else...I don't think I will ever be able to explain in a way for you to understand, but I guess that isn't what I need to be doing. I will be moving this weekend out of mom's place and this will really be the first time I have ever lived on my own. I never expected this to be where I would be at this point in my life, but I am positive about the whole aspect.

I am so very glad to hear you have so much support around you. I have wondered if maybe I didn't go forward with any of this sooner because I was so worried about how you would take it. It kills me that you are hurting so much because of what I'm doing but I have to do this for me. I feel that I cannot stay with you to keep you happy if I'm not happy in doing it, if that makes any sense. I do care very deeply for you, as I'm sure I always will. But like you say, I can't keep you in limbo indefinitely. It's truly not fair to you. I know a lot of the things I have said to you in the past couple weeks, I may have been saying just to make you feel better. It feels really out of character for me to do what I want to do for me when that means hurting someone who is so very special to me. But in all honestly, I feel that we should move forward with going our separate ways. I do want to keep things as civil as possible. I think we have a unique bond that will enable us to do that, despite the pain ahead. I am not opposed at all to speaking thru your mom and sister when it is too difficult to talk directly. I am truly sorry for all the pain and suffering that you have and will be going thru because of the choices I have made. You are so very strong and I know that you will pull through this.

My infidelity is unrelated to why I'm needing to leave, but I feel may directly stem from the strong feelings for a need for independence as well as the issues with the lack of intimacy between you and me. But know that I am not making excuses, there are none to make. Of course I'm not sure you'll even believe any of this, I guess I can't expect you to. I am not leaving to be with anyone else, I am leaving to be alone. I will NOT go into details as I don't think there is any need and you really don't need to hear, but I will tell you that it was only within the last 3 months. I was truly and unwaveringly faithful to you before then. You did not deserve to be treated as I have treated you though, and again I am so very sorry for the pain I have caused you.

I hope that moving forward we can come to certain agreements as far as how legality issues are handled. I don't think there is really a need to spend a fortune on a lawyer, when we can use that money toward better things. I have heard that there are inexpensive legal personnel out there that can be used on retainer, like $250 for 10 hours of work or something, just for the purpose of drawing up proper paperwork, etc. The finalization of things will no doubt be excruciating and difficult, so if you want to go about dealing with this thru your family or through other means of mediation, please let me know. I am not looking for a fight in any way, or to make this any more difficult than a situation like this has to be.

After thinking about it, I have decided I will not be taking any furniture. I think I had mentioned that I was originally only interested in the bed in bed/tv from the guest room, but I've decided to just start fresh with everything, slowly but surely. I may just need to make one last trip to the house for some things like the rest of my clothes/shoes and things like that out of the closet. There are toys and things in the guest room closet that belong to my sister I will need to collect, but I can't really think of a whole lot else. If there is anything in particular that you just do NOT want, let me know. Do keep me posted on anything you need from me with regards to the house repairs, also.

As I have said, none of this is easy for me. I am hurting, but I am most of all so very sorry for what this is doing to you. Please keep in touch, and if there is anything further you want to put out there, please by all means feel free. I want to keep the communication as open as possible in our situation.

Take care.

Edited for formatting.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 12:25 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

beautytoashes5 posted 2/17/2014 12:16 PM

Soulhurts- I'm so sorry you are going through this nightmare. I just wanted to let you know that you are being heard. Sending you hugs from sunny Cali.

sisoon posted 2/17/2014 14:39 PM

My heart goes out to both of you.

I feel that I cannot stay with you to keep you happy if I'm not happy in doing it, if that makes any sense.

I think that's important and honest. I just wish she realized she can survive her loss and thrive as an individual and as a part of your M. But just as your story isn't over yet, neither is hers.

I think the email shows both remorse and self-justification, but I think she's mainly overwhelmed with guilt and shame over losing your son. I wouldn't be surprised if her cheating was fueled by self-hate which, as you suspect, was supposed to make you hate her, too. But then I'm often a rose-colored glasses guy myself. Besides, you can't R with someone who doesn't think R is possible.

I think you've learned an immense amount in a short time. It sounds like you know what direction you want to go in. That's at least half the battle.

Again, my heart goes out to you.

(Of course, if she moves in with om, we're both wrong, and my heart goes out to you alone.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:40 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

norabird posted 2/17/2014 17:01 PM

I appreciate this post so much. It hurts very much when someone you love chooses to be on their own when you had something special together. I am impressed at how well you are dealing with that pain and how much peace and strength you show.

It's true you have a great new love with a new partner and possibly a family ahead down the line. But, in this moment, that comfort can seem a little abstract. Your framing it as a lesson is a great way to keep focused on those positive things.

MadeOfScars posted 2/17/2014 20:10 PM

Thanks everyone. I may appear stronger than I actually am. I am still pretty shell-shocked honestly. That said, I'm pragmatic. I can't hurt myself over someone else's choices, nor can I change her mind. It's hard to accept, but accept I must. She won't take what's left of my dignity. Thats all I have left.

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