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Am I asking too much?

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Kc121010 posted 2/17/2014 12:42 PM

Sorry if this is long! I am 20 months into this, and just beginning to reach the anger & resentment stage. I was in survival mode in the beginning, doing everything I could to change myself (I needed changing) and focus on making this work. Now, he is wondering what the hell is going on because everything has been so amazing for almost 2 years, and all of a sudden I'm like a sniveling, whining, insecure little baby. Even I hate my own self right now! Why can't I get a grip?

My fWH got mad at me on Friday. I sent him a text at work because I was having a breakdown moment, and he got angry with me because in general terms I was bugging him at work. Now I am shut down because my feelings were never acknowledged. We went through the whole weekend and I kept waiting for him to bring it up (I want it to be HIM! Why should I have to ASK for him to acknowledge my feelings AGAIN?).

I've been having issues with sex and kissing. When we first met, and in our wedding vows, he said "Once I kissed you, I knew you would be the last woman I would ever kiss." Now that has been broken, and every time he kisses me I don't really kiss him back. Inside I want to, but I find myself physically stopping my lips from moving. Wth?? I don't feel much physical desire anymore, our sex life has always been amazing. I don't know if it's resentment for him, insecurity within myself, hormones (? I'm getting to be "that" age), etc. I tried to make myself send him a boob picture last week (he loves them), and I couldn't do it. I found myself saying in my head "He probably still has hers on his phone, if wants a damn boob picture he can look at hers!" even though I know he doesn't (I've checked) and he says he never did.

On Friday I was having a breakdown moment and I wanted him to know how I was feeling. I usually don't talk about my feelings because I don't want to make him feel guilty. I told him I've been feeling insecure, that I was having a hard time kissing him, I told him about my boob picture thoughts, I told him I was back to having "mind movies" about him and her when we have sex. When I told him how I felt, his answer was basically "I feel like I repulse you, I don't feel like YOU want to have sex with me."

Oh Lordy! Then I just lost it. I became furious because here I was letting my insecure feelings out about HIS bullshit affecting me, and all he could say was how HE was feeling? After that I ranted, and then he became angry that he was at work and couldn't give me the answer I deserved. I apologized and said I was sorry my pain didn't come at a more convenient time for him.

That was the end of the conversation. It was never brought up again, all weekend. So now here I am on Monday morning feeling ready to give up. Why the hell should I have to be the one who keeps trying? I feel like he should have come home and brought it up again, to finish the conversation he said he didn't have enough time for because he was at work. He was home, never left my side, all day Saturday and Sunday. We had sex 3 times. He didn't have the time then either?

He has trouble with defensiveness, and I give him credit for being VERY good about all of this. He compartmentalizes everything big time, with I just realized today as I was reading through the healing library. He has been 100% remorseful from the beginning. He (and I both) understand how this happened. For the first year we made huge strides to recover our marriage from this, although admittedly it was me that did most of the work - arranging counseling, planning romantic dates & weekends, talking about my feelings, etc. He just kind of went along with it all, happily nonetheless, but I feel like he got a free pass. Everything was just about perfect for the first year.

Now that I am having a hard time, I am getting nothing. I'm not saying he's bad, I'm just saying there's no effort. I feel like he just thinks it's been almost 2 years, we shouldn't have to be dealing with any of this anymore. He doesn't get it. I know he's remorseful and empathetic, but not enough? Is there such a thing? How much do I ask of him? And how do I get him to know when it's enough? I don't even think I need very much compared to some of the other posts I've read from others ... Hell, he's had it easy compared to other fWH's on here. And that makes me MAD!

Now I just want to give up. Maybe I'm being an emotional big ass baby right now. And I'm a quitter, which scares the crap out of me. I want to walk away over this? Just because he didn't acknowledge my little text messages on Friday? Jeez, woman, get a hold of yourself! I wish I could change that about me. I just want to tell him to F*CK OFF and that the very least he should do is comfort me for 5 f*cking minutes.

What am I doing? How do I get a grip on myself? Am I asking too much of him? Should I be more clear? Why can't I just expect him to read my mind, or to know what the hell he should be doing to make me feel better? I feel like he should know, and it should be a priority. In this case, I think reading SI has hurt me because I read other fWH's out there who can express themselves, and I want him to be like that. I'm punishing him for not being like that, I think.

If you held on this long, thanks for reading!

Morhurt posted 2/17/2014 14:54 PM


I'm sorry, I too would be very hurt. The first thing that pops out at me is the (lack of) communication. You were hurt, you told him, he didn't have time to address it... and then nothing. I absolutely hate having to do the "work" of bringing up the tough topics, but someone has to! I agree that him reading your mind would be ideal, but it's not going to happen.

The longer we feel hurt without expressing it, the more resentment we build up. It's hard to be vulnerable by saying what we need but I truly think it's the best (only?) way to build true intimacy.

As for this:

Maybe I'm being an emotional big ass baby right now
No, you're not being a baby. You have experienced trauma and it hurts!

I'm not sure if you want some concrete ideas for future engagements or not but I'll throw out a few just in case.

In that example scenario you gave, when he said he didn't have time because he was at work, try responding "I understand, but I need you to know that I'm struggling. Please bring it up tonight so I don't have to."

Or if there's something eating at you over the weekend, don't pretend you're ok. Tell him! "Hubs, I'm feeling pretty shitty today and I need some time with you to talk about it. I love you but this hurting feels like it's coming between us. Is now ok?"

I often say "I'm not feeling connected right now and it's scaring me. Let's snuggle and talk"

I hope things ease up today.

ETA: clarity

[This message edited by Morhurt at 2:56 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

Katz13 posted 2/17/2014 16:31 PM

Thanks for posting. I see many similarities with your situation. I am the type of person that doesn't forget easily. I mean I can still conjure up emotion about people who I feel slighted me over 20 years ago so I can't imagine being past this kind of betrayal in 2 years. How does your H respond to notes. My H seems to be able to respond if I write it down and give him a little time to mull things over. Please let us know how things work out.

Kc121010 posted 2/17/2014 21:58 PM

Thank you guys so much! It was everything I needed to hear. I decided to stop being so prideful and step into my own recovery, for MY sake. I hide from the communication because I fear upsetting him, and I decided that's not how I want to live. I'm best at writing, so I am going to go that route. And yes, he doesn't mind it because it does give him time to think about it.

I had him read my post and the replies. I also had him read a post from the Wayward side titled "Fuck that guy". He appreciated all of it. He said he thought by helping me out around the house all the time it was his way of showing love, because that's how he was raised. I said I would forward him some of the posts here that I wanted him to read, so he could understand better what I am going through and that WE are not alone.

I am thankful for the people on SI that take the time to respond. I'm not good at reaching out and asking for help, and you've talked me off the ledge. Thank you SO much! It motivates me to post more in hopes that I can help others in the same way.

Morhurt posted 2/18/2014 00:56 AM

I'm glad you reached out to him and that he responded. :)
Have you guys read the Love Languages book? We haven't but your post makes me think it might help you guys. There's also an online quiz you can take.

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