My family was yelling at me today about considering remarrying him after we divorce. They say get all the money from the divorce and if after that, we can always remarry.
I dont care about the money. Actually, if I lived with him, I would have more of my own money.They say he has not and can not change. They said he his manipulating me because the trial is next week and he owes me back child support and an increase.
I want to stay married and move back in to try. They are calling me stupid and say that he will only start beating me.
If domestic violence is not part of the equation, then it's really up to you. Only you can decide how many more chances you want to give him. I do urge you to hear them out though. They care about you and may notice things about him that you don't.
say that he will only start beating me.
huh? Has he abusive in the past? If so then I think your family is giving you valid advice. If not, then where the heck is that coming from?
What changes have you seen in him? Is he going to IC? He is saying the right things, but what is he doing? And I don't mean being nice to you, I mean what meaningful things is he doing to heal himself?
Do not cancel court for next week. If after the trial he still seems to be doing the right things and truly seems to be healing himself, then consider R with him. And start small if you do decide to R with him -- do not move back in immediately but attend several sessions of MC with him first.
The other thing is even if we are divorced next week, the financial piece wont be settled yet.
We have both learned alot in the last 2 years. What we want and don't want. What us important, but our children, etc.
He was not nice to me when I moved out and hey think he is being nice now because of the cs and money.
We did go to mc, he paid, setup the appointments. I stopped it because I didn't like the therapist. We have been to three of them.
He has said he would do things to get closer to me like weekends together and mc. This us what I want.
I'm honestly a big fan of R. Just not false R. Many times my family has said I can always remarry too because I doubt myself and want my family back. But at the end of the day the Snake has been unable to really express remorse or do anything to show he's changed.
If you truly think he may have changed maybe let him pay for a retreat and see how it goes. I would not advising just moving back in together as this stage as the children will be hurt and confused if it doesn't work out
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
My family says that I will lose all of my leverage if I do anything with the divorce right now. They say that I can't even try to reconcile with him until after the entire settlement agreement is done. This includes just being divorced. Then after that will be the settlement.
Considering your family's advice... They are trying to protect you. They have a view of the marriage that we don't. If they are "attacking" (yelling) a defensive reaction is normal. But I would encourage you to hear their concerns, especially if they are very very vocal.
You can't wish a WS into recovery. True remorse and a WS who is doing the work will not push for "his way." He will understand your need to be cautious and the need to protect you and your financial situation.
I got back together with XH after the divorce. We were living our own lives for about 6 months before we got back together. We talked about re-marriage and I thought we were on the right path to last forever. After about a year, I learned that XH had been talking to OW more frequently and recently slept with her (she told me). That was the final straw for me (This was all back in 2010 and earlier).
While your H may be truly remorseful and working to rebuild your marriage, I would still continue your plans to divorce. From what I've heard, reconciling is a very long process. If he really does want to work things out with you, I think he would continue to work things out with you, even though you're divorcing. I don't know. Maybe someone who has reconciled after divorce would be good to talk to?
Is he doing everything that you need him to do for a successful relationship? Do you trust him? Believe him? Is there a chance he is being nice because the divorce will be final soon?
I get how your family is protecting you. Mine is/was the same way. They would have been fuming to find out that I considered remarrying XH. But it's your life to live. Not theirs. They should support you even if they don't agree with your choices.
3 boys: 8, 10 and 4 months
I think he is so low on himself and my family just doesn't see that he did everything for me and that I don't care about the stupid money. He, if anything is going to ask for half of my retirement holdings. I know that he loves me.
Sometimes I wish I gave it more time to file.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
Do you really think he's not going to revert to former behaviour if you stop the D? This isn't just all a big show to make you stop it?
If he is really, really sincere about changing and wanting to be with you, he will continue on the same path regardless if the D is done or not. Your family wants you to continue because they don't trust him. I think you are questioning it because you at least partially agree with them...you are not sure you can trust him to continue being "good".
Think about it, really, really hard. Continuing the D will protect you financially and otherwise. From some of your most resent posts, I really don't know if he really has changed. I believe it's a show. Maybe I'm wrong...but protect yourself. Finish the D. If he continues to show you afterwards that he has truly changed, you can date him again, but at this point? After all this time? I really think you need to finish it, and if he reverts, you can walk away.
I know it's hard for you. Hugs.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
You know the stories here where the ws moved out with the other person, that scenario is a bit easier. You know they are gone, no confusion, no doubt. ..closure.
Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning
But know you aren't stupid too. Just human, and struggling, and in love. That makes us all pretty blind and weakens our defenses.
I know you want it to work. I just think you have to love yourself enough to put yourself first here.
The other thing is my children, they would have so much mire if we were together. I mean my place is so small, I fave the bedrooms ti my kids and I am sleeping on the couch while wh is in our 5 bedroom house. Credit is so bad, cant buy a house. I have coin laundry, it's terrible after over 24 yrs in a house.
I guess they call this bargaining with yourself.
Here is why: My friend didn't know what to do with regards to getting a D. Her H (who wanted to R and stay together), told her to ,,, yes, divorce him if it would help her to clear her head.... He was in therapy and was showing great progress at being a good person..but he was prepared to let her do WHAT SHE FELT WAS BEST FOR HER,,,rather than him decide what was best for her. Do you see the difference?
You can always get back together, but I think he wants to control you. Divorce him, find a counselor you like and I bet in 6 months he is back to the same old tricks.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:32 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]
This is not somebody putting you first.