"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cmego posted 2/17/2014 14:14 PM

So, after be contacted by multitudes of older guys..and reading in the other threads and other places where guys basically high-five each other over "bagging a younger chick", what is the appeal? Is it the "hunter" aspect, basically a trophy to brag over?

I was contacted my a guy from OLD that is 46, his profile states he is looking for 30-40 year old (and doesn't want more children). Well, I'm 43. I feel like I'm "out of his age range". I'm not sure how to bring it up either because it seems like the norm for men to go younger. But, I feel ridiculous if I even look at a guy 5 years younger.

Men that are even 5 years older than I am are not appealing to me either. I've honestly never dated someone more than 1 or 2 years older.

With that being said, both my EX, my exSO and the "new friend" guy are all 40. So 2-3 years younger, and I know I LOOK young for my age, but that is as young as I'm comfortable dating.

So, I like men around my age, give or take a few years.

Why is a much younger woman appealing? Someone that is 10-15 years younger is going to have little in common with you, and they are likely looking for money or a Daddy figure.

Or, is what I'm seeing just…egotistical? I'm leaning toward egotistical, that this man thinks he looks better than he does, therefore he "deserves" someone young.

Ehh, probably just answered my own question.

miadianna posted 2/17/2014 15:30 PM

I think it's simple. Because they can. And it's accepted and even encouraged.

Tripletrouble posted 2/17/2014 15:59 PM

I am seeing the same. Yuck. Why do they think they are too good for women their own age? I find a profile very unappealing if it's a man only looking for younger. I don't care how fat the wallet or how fit the body. I could go a few years in either direction.

phmh posted 2/17/2014 16:35 PM

One of my best friends only dates guys 20-30 years older than she is. She readily admits that she has daddy issues. She doesn't have much in common with the guys, but they pay for everything and she doesn't have to work. She's gorgeous -- has dated NBA & MLB players in the past. She says that they (the older guys) just like having a gorgeous woman on their arm to brag about to their friends, and she wants financial stability but independence in other areas of her life (they go to bed early so she can go out.) She's the most vocal of my friends about being jealous of me because I have a great job and therefore don't have to be with an old guy to live a nice life. It can be awkward when he's around since he's in his 60s so doesn't get most of our references, and it really does look like he's paying her (which I guess, indirectly, he is) as we'll be dressed up in fancy dresses and he's in sweatpants. Usually, the two of us go out and he chauffeurs us around.

When I was first single again, at age 33, I was hounded by men in their 50s in my running group. They think that because they're fit, they deserve a younger lady. They go after all of the new (or newly single) young ladies in the group, and they're pretty much a laughingstock. Seems predatory to me.

Personally, I don't care what other people do. When I was 18, I dated a 26 year old. He was so hot; I was mature for my age, he was immature for his age, and we had a fantastic few summers. Couldn't have worked in the long-term, but it was fun for both of us. (And, TMI, but we didn't have sex and it was still fun!)

Right now, I prefer a few years on either side, but I'm about to go on a first meeting with a 27 year old (I'm 35.) I told him I was way too old for him, but he said he's dated older and we have a lot in common. I'm willing to give him a chance.

Part of my problem with dating older is that I think I'm far more visual than most ladies, from what I read. I know it's shallow, but I'm not attracted to out of shape guys. The only older guy I've ever been attracted to (I think he was about 15 years older) was a former professional speed skater who remained in fantastic shape.

So, I'm just rambling. I am blunt on OLD and will respond "thanks for the message but I don't date guys in their 50s; good luck in finding a great lady!"

shiloe posted 2/17/2014 17:31 PM

Where's the menz opinion on this? Was hoping the guys would chime in.

cmego posted 2/17/2014 18:20 PM

I think we are all visual, the difference for me is that if I'm just looking at OLD, then I'm not attracted to really out of shape guys either. 10-20 extra pounds, as long as they are honest about it wouldn't turn me off. If they HIDE 40 pounds (which happened to me…), then I'm pissy that they thought it was OK to hide the weight.

BUT, if I meet a guy in person, and he is heavier or not that attractive, but he has a great personality, then I think he is pretty hot. That is how I married my ex. His personality totally won me over.

Good looking men are generally soooo shallow, it isn't worth my time. I have yet to meet a really good looking man who isn't looking for Barbie. They could care less if a woman is faithful or nurturing or a good person..they just gotta look hot.

I'm 43 and a 38 year old contacted me. I dunno….I just think "cougar!!"

ladies_first posted 2/17/2014 20:12 PM

I was contacted my a guy from OLD that is 46, ... Well, I'm 43.

I've had luck if I dated within my "high school" span, specifically a 4 year range. At a minimum, we can identify with the same music and cultural references. Like dating the friend of an older brother.

Heck, if he is politely and genuinely interested, why not meet him for a cup of coffee?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

ladies_first posted 2/17/2014 20:13 PM

I was contacted my a guy from OLD that is 46, ... Well, I'm 43.

I've had luck if I dated within my "high school" span, specifically a 4 year range. At a minimum, we can identify with the same music and cultural references. Like dating the friend of an older brother.

Heck, if he is politely and genuinely interested, why not meet him for a cup of coffee?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

mandan66 posted 2/17/2014 20:23 PM

Alright---one of the Menz here, and I will chime in, although I may not be of much help. I haven't been doing any OLD stuff for a little while, but when I did, I was looking for gals my age or older. But---that was mainly a reaction to my past marriage, and a desire to not having any more children or 'blend' some with my own. I work out of the house, and have 80% custody of my kids.
And my XWW was like a 12 year child, maturity wise.
So for me---older is better. In fact, I've been seeing a woman now for awhile who is the most beautiful, amazing person I've ever met in my life---and she is 7 yrs. older than me.
But everybody's different. A very good friend of mine, who was just crushed by his cheating XW, is 5 years younger than me, and is only looking for a gal younger than him. Just where he is in life.

My X has only dated muuuuuch older men---daddy figures . That's where she is in life.
So I guess I would just say it goes both ways---male and female. I would say that most guys I know would say that any guy that was 40 and going out with a 20 yr. old was a fool.
Just one Menz opinion.
(and Womenz---please please send karma my way with this lady I'm seeing! So many dark days in the past---I need to stay in the light)

ProbableIceCream posted 2/17/2014 20:46 PM

Couldn't say from experience. My XWW was a friend of mine who made the first move. She was 18 and I was 21. I've not ever 'dated' in the usual sense of the word.

As to attraction? I seem to be wired to weigh kindness and intelligence much higher than looks. I don't find women my age to be ugly. I would feel incredibly creepy going for someone more than a few years away from my age, I think (but I suppose there are always exceptions?)

Trophies? I don't care. Like anyone else I would not enjoy being made fun of, but I don't care about trophies.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 8:47 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

dignityintact posted 2/18/2014 06:14 AM

I like this topic, and I'm with you Cmego!
Being a similar age to you, my search ranges from 42-47….loads of much older guys (50+) message me too - just weird.

My only thought, is maybe a guy looking for a much younger woman is because he wants to have children?? I often look at guys around my age, with no children, and they are looking for a younger model. I never message them, because I'm done with the kid thing!

So, sweeping generalisation here (and I'm in the UK, so may be different in the USA), but men 47 and older seem to have not aged well at all, and have health issues! I've been messaged by guys who've had a heart attack, knee replacements, and back issues!! My thought is I'd kill them I do consider myself a "young" 43, and in good health….it's so hard….

but yes, guys do tend to want a younger model. One guy I went out with for coffee was 49, bad back, and the knee replaced He was nothing special, I can tell you, but he quite openly told me he wanted a younger woman to look good on his arm….suffice to say I did not see him again!

Anyway, have a date Sunday night with a healthy 47 year old - only slight red flag, is he doesn't have children…..but he contacted me! He lives in my town too - so could be very convenient for cheeky dates

kg201 posted 2/18/2014 08:38 AM

I have been seeing a women since November who is four years older, and we have really been digging each other. I'm 39.

On OLD I had a range on my profile that was 29 - 45. Thinking about it now I'm not sure why I went as low as 10 years younger. I have many colleagues that I'm friendly with and have a good time with outside of work that are around 30, so maybe that was it.

However, I quickly realized on OLD that if the woman had never been married, and did not have children, then it was going to be a horrible match. The women I ultimately dated through OLD were all moms. Only one of them was younger, and that was the worst date out of all of them.

I have never known anyone who only looked for women much younger than them, but maybe that's because I don't have money, and no one I know has a lot of money.

I feel pretty lucky to have found the woman I'm with. Four years doesn't feel different at all. The life experience for us is the bigger equalizer. And maybe that is the key about OLD, that it takes a bit of luck.

7yrsflushed posted 2/18/2014 08:55 AM

Why is a much younger woman appealing?

This doesn't apply to all men. It also applies to women as well. I am 38. I am not dating yet but as a newly single man guess who hits on me the most, yep, older women. For me and many men it isn't so much about age or looks it's about meeting someone I can click with and have common interests with. I could care less if she was mid 20's or mid 40's. As long as we had good conversation and a nice time I would be fine.

I personally won't be looking to date someone significantly younger than me because chances are we won't be on the same page in life. Not saying it can't happen but realistically I just don't see it. We likely won't have similar interests and life experiences. My definition of arm candy is a little different than the norm I guess. Arm candy to me is someone that is self sufficient, is content with who they are, and confident. I already have 2 kids I don't need to be someone else's "Daddy".

Having said that there are some men and women that prefer to date younger people. That's their decision and they may in fact be shallow or egotistical but it's also possible that they just like dating younger people. After being with my STBXWW for 10 years I have had enough of dealing with people with problems. If I am lucky enough to meet someone that has their head on straight and is genuinely interested in me then I wouldn't care if they were younger or older than me.

But to answer the initial question I don't plan on focusing on any particular age range and there are plenty of men like me out there. I personally don't even see the benefit of setting an age range because I honestly can't tell the age of someone once they are late 20's to late 40's. I have met some people in there 40's that look way younger and some poeople in their 20's that look pretty rough. Just my 2 cents.

atsenaotie posted 2/18/2014 09:19 AM

Why is a much younger woman appealing?

If you want to have healthy children with this spouse, a younger (late teens to mid-twenties) spouse is statistically more likely to have births without complications. I doubt this is the reason many older men or women seek younger spouses.

If you are an exceptionally fit and active person, then you may find that people your age are unable or not interested in participating in the physical activities that you enjoy.

If you are looking for a spouse that you believe positively reflects you as a person, then a younger (or more famous, or more attractive, or more wealthy) may seem to you to indicate that you are “better” or more attractive than you appear. From this way of thinking, the “prize” spouse elevates and affirms you as a person.

If you are fighting aging and being old, having a much younger spouse/relationship partner may help fend off the feelings of being old.

Off course you should take what I write with a grain of salt as I married a woman 7 years older than myself.

7yrsflushed posted 2/18/2014 09:48 AM

I'm 43 and a 38 year old contacted me. I dunno….I just think "cougar!!"

What is the age difference for cougardom? At what age does the gap kind of disappear?

My brother is 2.5 years younger than me. I used to look at anyone his age or younger as to young for me. They were the same age or younger than my "little" brother. At some point he was no longer my "little" brother but my brother and peer with a family of his own and equal life experiences and by default so did everyone else in that age range. Sounds weird but it's how I got past the younger and older thing. At some point my perception shifted. At 38, I still don't think I would have much in common with someone in their 20's but that goes for men and women. This is all coming from just casually meeting people over the last 6 months or so since I filed for D. While i'm not ready to date I do know what I would like going forward and what I wouldn't.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:50 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

wonderingbull posted 2/18/2014 10:21 AM

I've got kind of a unique perspective when it comes to age... I don't really measure life in terms of years... To me it's more of the accumulation of life's experiences...

The ex was 2 years younger and we were life experience compatible... As most of you know KD is 11 years older and in my mind we were life experience compatible but to her I was too young... To me she was too hung up on years but to each their own...

I'm 53 so any woman that is under 40 probably wouldn't be life experience compatible but if she were I wouldn't not date her because of the years...

WB

Brandon808 posted 2/18/2014 10:41 AM

Why is a much younger woman appealing?

Ego. For some men it is pure ego.

TrulyReconciled posted 2/18/2014 11:15 AM

Good looking men are generally soooo shallow, it isn't worth my time.

Now that's a really unfair generalization and certainly doesn't apply to me!!

BTW, have you seen ... Barbie??

Crescita posted 2/18/2014 13:19 PM

I think people tend to seek partners that balance their own perceived weaknesses, or if they aren't ready to fix it, not concerned with said weakness. I strive to be more social, so I date men who are more social. I am a bit high strung, my partner is very calming. If I were to date someone like me, well, if I don’t find those traits attractive in myself, why would I want them in a partner?

If a guy is concerned about aging, a younger woman allows him to hold onto his youth, not just looks, but naiveté, spirit, abandon, time. Aging isn’t something you can work on, it’s something you have to accept and plan for. Until he is ready to face that, a girl who doesn’t remind him of his mortality and lack of life path is going to be much more appealing.

You are likely happy with your age, your experiences, wisdom, and vision for the future. Dating someone who shares that mentality isn’t an issue, but would you want to date Peter Pan? Someone who is 45, living in the moment, hasn’t really planned for the future, spending like there is no tomorrow, hasn't been managing their health? Goodness no! You have your own future to worry about. The younger set is less likely to notice how behind he is.

SeanFLA posted 2/18/2014 13:45 PM

I really don't look for it, not do I shy away from it either. The woman I was involved with is 6 years older than I. But you wouldn't know it meeting her. I have no issue dating someone significantly younger either. Just depends where they are in life and what they are doing. But I do know with OLD I'm not interested in very young women only so much for the child factor. My son is turning 15 this fall and frankly I like having my independence back. Young kids...BTDT. I'm not interested in becoming a father again nor chasing someone else's three year old around. And I don't want to blend families. Even under the best circumstances it's a nightmare.

For me young children are for young people. Frankly they wear my ass out! And I'm really enjoying actually sleeping once again now