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Mad Hatter here almost 4 months out, I think we have stopped the fighting, finally. It has been rough. We do not want to divorce, yet, I am going through IC with hopes of MC and moving towards R down the line? She is not interested in either right now and tells me she doesn't know what she wants. She tells me she loves me, I do love her and we seem to be doing better. We talk every day. Hard for me to turn to friends because they all are basically supporting her.

Sick feeling in my stomach just won't go away!

[This message edited by LastChance4Me at 4:01 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

MHville is awful. I am there but we are trying to recover. Time helps.Remembering the good times before and making more after helps.

Limbo - well we're two years out and I still haven't decided if it was a dealbreaker and I'm ok with that - probably due to two affairs by him. Its just gonna take longer.

Thanks rachelc. Helps to hear from others in the same boat. I hope one day she decides to actually want to work on things. I am so ready, my DDay came just over a week ago and it is killing me. I don't know how she feels, I went through hell and back only to start feeling better and then BAM! Discovery. Starting all over.

BS here.

Are you still living together? and can I ask how long you have been in limbo?

Not living together and about 4 months. I was fine with the time frame, still am really. I have the rest of my life as far as a I am concerned but her infidelity now has me reeling and unsure if she has checked out or what is going on. Her answer to pretty much anything is she doesn't know.

IMO, it sounds like she is still in "the fog" (if you dont know what I am referring to read in the healing library)

In my experience the "I don't knows" occurred for quite some time, but thats not to say its the same for everyone....

I hope she comes out of this fog soon and I hope you stay strong because it can be a long road.

Sorry about my previous post, I was under the impression that you were the WS....

LastChance4Me - She is not interested in either ( D / R) right now and tells me she doesn't know what she wants. She tells me she loves me, I do love her and we seem to be doing better. We talk every day.

Ah ... only four months out. Not to belittle your accomplishments but you've only just started the journey ... The pain of adultery is still very fresh for the both of you and considering the dynamics of the mad hatter relationship, it will quite some time until you starting make conscious decisions instead of just emotional choices.

The time period for us as individuals to come to term with the pain and hurt of the betrayal varies and until we do, we're on a roller coaster of emotions. Until we integrate this into our heads and hearts, our decisions quite often reflect the emotional roller coaster. We decide yes, no and that's within 5 minutes of each other.

I think that your spouse is right in her observation that she doesn't know what to do .. her heart says stay, her heart says go, her heart says yes, her heart says no ... but its not her heart that decides, its her brain and right now, it gets conflicting signals.

Just give it more time. More time for her to get to that decision and time for her to communicate that to you. In the meantime, simply be supportive, attend IC, fight your own journey to healing.

You can't make her mind up for her, that's something that she needs to do on her own. Concentrate on your own healing after all, regardless of whether she stays or goes, you have to live with yourself.

LastChance4Me - Hard for me to turn to friends because they all are basically supporting her.

All of your mutual friends are supporting her? And why would this matter? You can find support outside your circle of friends. You have IC, your minister or priest, you have SI. You can journal your feelings and thoughts.

Ask yourself the question, were all of your friends FOM (friends of the marriage) before or did some of them know of or even tacitly support either one of you in your decision to have the affairs? If that's the case, then perhaps turning to these friends is not the smoothest move either.

LastChance4Me ... the choice of your name is quite instructive. In your heart, its like you are aware that you only have this last chance to make it right, to heal your relationship. If that is truly the case, then you need to buckle in for a long and bumpy ride.

HUFI

Hope24 - There are times when your undying belief in yourself has to pull her through. If you give up, she has nothing to cling to. Your hopefulness, your absolute, unwavering determination to be better will help drive her strength when she feels hopeless. It's when she's at her lowest point that she needs your courage the most.

Edited for spellin

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 7:01 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]