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Newest Member: Maggie1000 (45722)

User Topic: 12 months porn free today.
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used porn pre-A...wife did with me, we used it by ourselves, since childhood (30 years of it). I am now 12 months porn free. I thought it normal. I thought all men did it. I thought it was harmless. I thought it was tied to a high sex drive. All wrong.

After 2 months of no porn I started to evaluate my own urges...the times when I would use it. More enlightening...the times I CURRENTLY have urges to use it.

Sometimes it was just out of habit, nothing more....but the big player was when I was feeling rejected or abandoned. I used it to fill in relationship gaps inside me....relationship desires within me.

My study into my own brokenness has led me to some very insightful information.

The 7 reasons most men use porn are as follows;

1. Respect
2. Relationship
3. Reward
4. Refuge
5. Redemption
6. Revenge


What is noticeably lacking in my study is anything tying porn use to a healthy or over active sex drive.

It appears porn use is NOT about sex....it is about coping with life. Much like alcohol, drugs, compulsive shopping....any of a number of addictive or compulsive type of activity.

I am only 12 months free from porn.

I know others will challenge me that porn is healthy.

I know I drink the occasional beer when I BBQ and I am not a drunk.

But this post is about me and my desire to encourage others to step away from porn.

If you think it not a problem for you...then take 6 weeks off from it. See if you experience the change inside you that I did in me.

If not, well what have you lost....you just proved you are stronger than I am....so either way you win.

Post is mostly to guys....though I have also seen that LIVE PORN is growing fastest with women.....the type where you use video cams and such to see each other online. I cant speak to that type of porn as I have not done that. But the articles I have come across suggest this is more enticing for women because it is more arousing to a woman as their is real eye contact involved....something that traditional video taped type of porn lacks most of the time. I am aware of a genre of porn that has the woman looking right into the camera the whole time. still, not the same as live interactive sex.

I also know porn use is more rampant than anyone can realize....and am hoping that men reading this will be encouraged that they are not the only ones who have been hurt by their own actions.

Every Mans Battle is the book that started me on this journey. Start there.

STARTING my journey is key.....I anticipate this to be a life long commitment.

Again, like a drunk is to a drink....I am to porn. Therapist said I was not classic SA, and that the term is over applied, but I shared some traits.....either way, I know my actions hurt me and it has motivated me to move away from the source that has kept me from feeling and healing pain I should have felt and healed from decades ago.

Mercy on us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:37 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Truly
♀ 40715
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Congratulations, Blakesteele! (Clapping man - here)
An amazing achievement, your post has also taught me much.

I also realised since reaching out yesterday that porn and odd sexual behaviours were all red flags that I missed during the A years. Interesting, as now there is no porn or odd behaviours and our sex life and intimacy has improved...coincidence, I don't think so, as your post showed me.

I'm a slow tortoise on this journey!

Thank you, Truly x


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
1devastedmom
♀ 38399
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing. My husband read the same book and said it changed his life. He thought that he would never be able to be porn free. He has been porn free for nine months and our sex life has never been better. He is a completely different man. He says now how much it poisoned his mind. I will forever be grateful to the man who told my husband to read that book.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. My H's sexual health and our sexual life was ruined by porn exposure at age 10 through his teenage years. This was print porn and old 16mm movies belonging to his dad. I cannot even imagine the internet porn and it's impact on pre teens today. Keep it out of your house, if not only for you, but for anyone who could "accidentally" see it. Your milestone is a worthy celebration. Think of all the things you can now fill the time and your mind with and be richer for it.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations, Blakesteele.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BrokenMomof2
♀ 41219
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thats wonderful, Congratulations! Keep up the great work!


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot even imagine the internet porn and it's impact on pre teens today.

I have this same concern Lovedyoumore....and its closer to home. I have two nephews....one early teens, the other crossing into the start of puberty too.

The eldest is way into ipads and such....parents lifestyle is like many--very busy with careers and higher education plus they are aging...tire easier....all this equates to VERY easy access to time alone and instantly access porn.

I, like your husband, started with playboys about age 10 and then to VCR tapes. At the time it was very erotic and kinky.....looks like Life Magazine compared to internet porn.

I gave my inlaws, their parents, the Every YOUNG Mans Battle book....offered to discuss my journey in what ever detail they wanted and left it at that. Was 5 months ago...no nibbles.

They are atheist so I suspect the religious undertones of this book scared them off. They are liberal in addition...know he has had porn....not sure of his current use or not use....but think it highly probable that they felt like I did. That it is fine, normal, etc..

Still....I am praying for my nephews.


To be sure.....I don't think this one book healed me....it was just the start. I am continuing to invest in reading, praying and discussing feelings with my wife. I also have a great accountability partner who is also struggling with porn use.....he is not as open to discussing his journey as I am but I totally know he gets what I am talking about.

My desire is to heal the pain inside me that made, makes porn attractive.

My urges are way off what they were.....like 5% of what they were....but I still find that I have urges.

I am better equipped to recognize what is going on....and use these urges to pause and really try to feel what is urging me to act.

God help us all.

p.s. Thanks to you all for your support.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:48 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One tip we will be using to curb improper internet use is to only allow internet use in public areas of our home....not in bedrooms.

Yes, kids are crafty and we wont be able to completely free our girls world from these destructive influences...but we are committed to being engaged.

That's also tied to the radical honesty, intentional way of living we are nurturing.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
5674emt
♀ 40012
Member # 40012
Content  Posted: 4:11 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So good to see you celebrate this and show it is worth the effort!


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an awesome achievement!!! Good for you! You made an interesting point..its not so much about sex. My ws has been alcohol free for over 20 yrs but I've watched him bounce from other addictions since..from one thing to another. I think this porn issue has more to do with what you said than sex.
Good info up there ^^^^^


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Jls0320
♀ 41192
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats! My H was just diagnosed as an SA, obsessive use of porn and cam sites, I hope in a year he can say the same as you


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, sex addict, then 12 mos EA/2 mos PA with co-worker whore
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap PA began.
Separated, R during divor

Posts: 503 | Registered: Nov 2013
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats!!!

Very brave indeed.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations! Well done! Here's to your next year, and next.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5096 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jls0320! I will pray your husband can too!!!

Ostrich80....good point. Once you stop a destructive choice....you need to back -fill that spot with a healthy choice. You just can't stop and not do something in its place.


Think of all the things you can now fill the time and your mind with and be richer for it.

Well put LovedyouMore....once you think of constructive things you then have to choose to do them.

Much of my marriage was done unintentionally..... So I am learning many new ways of being and doing.

My journey away from porn is just a particularly enriching one that I am compelled to share.....

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:21 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 14

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