After 2 months of no porn I started to evaluate my own urges...the times when I would use it. More enlightening...the times I CURRENTLY have urges to use it.
Sometimes it was just out of habit, nothing more....but the big player was when I was feeling rejected or abandoned. I used it to fill in relationship gaps inside me....relationship desires within me.
My study into my own brokenness has led me to some very insightful information.
The 7 reasons most men use porn are as follows;
What is noticeably lacking in my study is anything tying porn use to a healthy or over active sex drive.
It appears porn use is NOT about sex....it is about coping with life. Much like alcohol, drugs, compulsive shopping....any of a number of addictive or compulsive type of activity.
I am only 12 months free from porn.
I know others will challenge me that porn is healthy.
I know I drink the occasional beer when I BBQ and I am not a drunk.
But this post is about me and my desire to encourage others to step away from porn.
If you think it not a problem for you...then take 6 weeks off from it. See if you experience the change inside you that I did in me.
If not, well what have you lost....you just proved you are stronger than I am....so either way you win.
Post is mostly to guys....though I have also seen that LIVE PORN is growing fastest with women.....the type where you use video cams and such to see each other online. I cant speak to that type of porn as I have not done that. But the articles I have come across suggest this is more enticing for women because it is more arousing to a woman as their is real eye contact involved....something that traditional video taped type of porn lacks most of the time. I am aware of a genre of porn that has the woman looking right into the camera the whole time. still, not the same as live interactive sex.
I also know porn use is more rampant than anyone can realize....and am hoping that men reading this will be encouraged that they are not the only ones who have been hurt by their own actions.
Every Mans Battle is the book that started me on this journey. Start there.
STARTING my journey is key.....I anticipate this to be a life long commitment.
Again, like a drunk is to a drink....I am to porn. Therapist said I was not classic SA, and that the term is over applied, but I shared some traits.....either way, I know my actions hurt me and it has motivated me to move away from the source that has kept me from feeling and healing pain I should have felt and healed from decades ago.
Mercy on us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:37 PM, February 17th (Monday)]
I also realised since reaching out yesterday that porn and odd sexual behaviours were all red flags that I missed during the A years. Interesting, as now there is no porn or odd behaviours and our sex life and intimacy has improved...coincidence, I don't think so, as your post showed me.
I'm a slow tortoise on this journey!
Thank you, Truly x
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I cannot even imagine the internet porn and it's impact on pre teens today.
I have this same concern Lovedyoumore....and its closer to home. I have two nephews....one early teens, the other crossing into the start of puberty too.
The eldest is way into ipads and such....parents lifestyle is like many--very busy with careers and higher education plus they are aging...tire easier....all this equates to VERY easy access to time alone and instantly access porn.
I, like your husband, started with playboys about age 10 and then to VCR tapes. At the time it was very erotic and kinky.....looks like Life Magazine compared to internet porn.
I gave my inlaws, their parents, the Every YOUNG Mans Battle book....offered to discuss my journey in what ever detail they wanted and left it at that. Was 5 months ago...no nibbles.
They are atheist so I suspect the religious undertones of this book scared them off. They are liberal in addition...know he has had porn....not sure of his current use or not use....but think it highly probable that they felt like I did. That it is fine, normal, etc..
Still....I am praying for my nephews.
To be sure.....I don't think this one book healed me....it was just the start. I am continuing to invest in reading, praying and discussing feelings with my wife. I also have a great accountability partner who is also struggling with porn use.....he is not as open to discussing his journey as I am but I totally know he gets what I am talking about.
My desire is to heal the pain inside me that made, makes porn attractive.
My urges are way off what they were.....like 5% of what they were....but I still find that I have urges.
I am better equipped to recognize what is going on....and use these urges to pause and really try to feel what is urging me to act.
God help us all.
p.s. Thanks to you all for your support.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:48 PM, February 17th (Monday)]
Yes, kids are crafty and we wont be able to completely free our girls world from these destructive influences...but we are committed to being engaged.
That's also tied to the radical honesty, intentional way of living we are nurturing.
Very brave indeed.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Ostrich80....good point. Once you stop a destructive choice....you need to back -fill that spot with a healthy choice. You just can't stop and not do something in its place.
Think of all the things you can now fill the time and your mind with and be richer for it.
Well put LovedyouMore....once you think of constructive things you then have to choose to do them.
Much of my marriage was done unintentionally..... So I am learning many new ways of being and doing.
My journey away from porn is just a particularly enriching one that I am compelled to share.....
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:21 PM, February 17th (Monday)]