SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

peoplepleaser posted 2/17/2014 14:55 PM

So we recently decided to reconcile and are entering into couples therapy this week with the focus on processing the EAs in an emotionally safe space. There are several reasons for us not processing them on our own, but I don't really want to get into that so much, as it's not relevant to the post.

After DDay 1 I was hell bent on getting all the details. DDay 2 sent WS in a tailspin of blameshifting, gaslighting and claiming she was miserable our whole relationship. Of course we separated and I did the 180, but we still haven't discussed it in detail. I know I don't know everything, though WS says I do. She's given me generalizations about the timeline, but no details claiming it was too long ago to remember. I have read enough on here to know that even if she doesn't exactly remember now, she will. I want to know, but I'm not sure how much to pressure. My guess is that if she is fully engaging in depth in IC and in our couples sessions, then she will be compelled to tell me eventually (as other WS's on here seem to do over time). Is this true or should I ask for more truth?

sisoon posted 2/17/2014 15:28 PM

IMO, your best bet is to ask the questions you want to ask when you want to ask them, and if your WP (partner?) wants to R, she needs to answer them. Answering Qs in a CC session makes sense, if the CC is half-way decent, because that way both parters have support. (Wouldn't have worked for me, though, because our C wouldn't have been willing to move in with us, even if we could have afforded it....)

There's actually some published support for my opinion - http://www.dearpeggy.com/free-pdfs/help-for-therapists.pdf is a free version of a book you can also buy from Amazon.

The book is a report on a survey of BSes. Slightly over half the respondents R'ed, but the BSes who said their WSes answered all their Qs R'ed at a much higher rate than those who said the WSes didn't answer Qs or answered only limited questions.

Your WP may think you know everything of importance, and she's probably right. My W said the same thing, and she was right - but I couldn't know that unless and until she answered all my Qs.

Katz13 posted 2/17/2014 16:54 PM

I need more info on this too! I know quite a bit like timeline and rough estimate on how many times they had intercourse. I also asked my BS if they did anything sexually that we haven't done. He said no but admitted to doing everything sexually that we have done. I know all their sex took place In her car. I want to ask more but then I am afraid of making the mind movies even more vivid. Thoughts?

spond posted 2/17/2014 21:04 PM

For me it was about easing my mental mind movies. The thoughts going through my mind were way worse then what had happened.

For about 2-3 weeks I asked questions, mostly specific questions, some general. The answers from my remorseful fWW helped me move on some.

Aceofbase posted 2/18/2014 08:17 AM

I too am there with you. I want to know more but I am afraid that will push her away. I have been getting TT but I am unsure as to how deep this goes. Ours was an EA that lasted over 2 months and ended before I figured it out about 1 month later.