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Do I tell my WH that I'm feeling so...ambivalent?

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JustSoSad42 posted 2/17/2014 15:51 PM

For the last 4 or so days, I have had really strong feelings of ambivalence (I'm aware that that is an oxymoron lol) and also disgust. I keep thinking about "it" (I can picture it pretty vividly as I needed all the details to keep my mind from wandering to crazy places) and I am just so disgusted with him. It feels almost like I don't love him anymore. I love the man he was before I knew he was capable of something like this. But I don't know if I love a man who sticks his penis in another woman's vagina.

I'm not leaving, especially since I am only 3 months out, but I don't know how much longer this feeling/non-feeling will last. I am hoping it will go away.

He knows something is up right now, but I haven't told him what I'm feeling. For a few reasons. 1) I don't want to hurt his feelings (ridiculous, I know...but it probably sucks to know your wife is so disgusted with you that she might not even love you anymore) 2) I don't want to be disappointed in his reaction if I open up to him (this has been an ongoing problem for a couple weeks)

Ok I thought there were 1 or 2 more reasons but my son distracted me with his trains and I lost my train of thought....

Anyway, should I say something, or should I wait it out to see if the disgust goes away?

peoplepleaser posted 2/17/2014 16:05 PM

I have the same issue. At times I look at WS and I see someone I don't know or someone so tainted that I am disgusted. I walk away, center myself and come back, though. I don't share it right now, but we are one week into reconciliation. I will probably share it in couples counseling, though. If you aren't in MC, I recommend it. It can be an emotionally safe space to share feelings with each other and process those feelings without resulting in too much damage. I am a fan of being honest, but doing it in a way that is constructive toward healing the relationship. In my situation our communication sucks, so counseling is the best venue for it right now.

bionicgal posted 2/17/2014 16:13 PM

I think talking to him about it will help, and he needs to know how you feel. Only through sharing my hurt, disgust, pain, etc. has my husband seen the full picture of what he did. You might be surprised how your feelings change after you talk about it.

Gotmegood posted 2/17/2014 18:49 PM

I hear you, and agree with other poster that if you can afford it, get some counseling and share your feelings with your WH there.
I can tell you this: in the beginning, I quite often had feelings of disgust for my WH, as I would for ANY one who did what he did. I have those feelings for politicians, athletes, or other 'known' people who cheat on their spouse and leave behind so much devastation. My DDay was 6 months ago. If I think about him having sex with the prostitute (scurrying tenement rat whore that he picked out), I still get disgusted. Not ambivalence; real disgust. And if I think about it, I am betting that I always will. The difference now is, I can arm wrestle with my mind, and win. I can stop that train of thought, which I most often do because along with the disgust there's a big dose of hurt too.
Good luck. I hope you can get some counseling.

Jls0320 posted 2/17/2014 19:07 PM

I did this weekend, I have days that are completely fine and others I want to crawl into a hole. I let him know yesterday I was having a bad day and why. He listened, we talked, and I think it also makes him remember what I'm going through without hashing it out over and over

JustSoSad42 posted 2/17/2014 19:14 PM

Gotme- you described it very well! The ambivalence I am feeling is more about my feelings toward reconciling, whereas the disgust is directly at him, if that makes sense.

I'm not very interested in counseling. We had a visit with a MC soon after he spilled the beans, and we both thought it was stupid and not helpful. Then I tried a Catholic counselor online for an IC session, and that was equally pointless and not helpful.

I have no problem telling my husband how I feel about things (and never have, I always told him he had the easiest wife ever because I am never a guessing game!). I just didn't know if such negative feelings would be productive to share, or if it would just do more damage.

I ended up emailing him (he is working swing shift right now) and told him the best I could what I'm feeling right now. He said "I'm sorry for what I did, and that I make you something at me. We'll be fin. IJLYATTs." (Before he left he asked if I was mad him, no, sad at him, no, "well you're SOMETHING at me!" and IJLYATTS is I just love you all the times...)

Not sure how I feel about his response. I know it's just email and I didn't hear his tone, but it feels a little patronizing to me. I kind of wish it hurt him a little more to know that I am disgusted with him, rather than him just thinking it's nothing and that he'll wait it out and we'll be fine.

OakStreet posted 2/18/2014 04:10 AM

I told the MC before I told WH about my ambivalence. I am 4 months from DDay and we are going to our 3rd MC session today.

I felt like I couldn't tell my WH that I wasn't sure about the success of R and my ambivalence because I couldn't TRUST him. Trust him to understand my roller coaster or trust him NOT to take "the easy way out" - which would have been to revive his A. Trust him to work on us because he has always avoided conflict and what is going to be more unpleasant than what we are going through?

Our MC encouraged us to SCHEDULE talks between us to share our questions and feelings. I told WH that although I couldn't trust him after this betrayal, I felt if I couldn't be honest with him about my feelings, then what's the point of being together?

I pointedly asked him if he had considered D (he said no), but he told AP that "they may have a future together if our marriage doesn't improve".
WTF? He wasn't working on our marriage.

I digress - JustSoSad42: it was very nerve wracking to tell my husband I was ambivalent and considering D, but I am glad I told him.

Again, if I can't be honest with him, what's the point of staying together?

JustSoSad42 posted 2/18/2014 12:39 PM

I don't know why I second guess myself about things like this. I never have been and am still not really afraid to tell him anything. This just seemed different, like not quite breaking up with someone, which I have never been good at!!, but close, in the sense that I was telling him some stuff that was probably pretty hurtful to hear.

We talked some more about it in bed when he got home from work after we had emailed, and I am feeling a bit better today. More often than not, I feel better when I just talk to him. He wants me to talk to him, encourages me to tell him how I'm feeling, etc. so I don't know why I keep making a big deal about it to myself.

Thanks for "listening" everyone.

Justgreatnews posted 2/18/2014 16:32 PM

Yep. Ambivalence and disgust are two states that I alternate between much of the time now.

I also truly get what you mean about the sticking body parts into another's body. Imagine how it feels for a betrayed husband. More invasive, you might say.

One thing I would mention is to get your feelings out there. Now is no time to back down from your spouse. Its been my experience that a very strong, loud, and assertive confrontation of the wayward's misdeeds is very effective. Right is might.

hurtingfool posted 2/18/2014 20:15 PM

We haven't quite started R yet, or if we will, but I have been telling her how all this has been making me feel or the lack of feelings. WW spared no thought for me when she made her decisions, I'm just letting her know what I think of that.

RedRose posted 2/18/2014 20:48 PM

We have had that conversation a few times lately. At this point, I feel like the only ones who would be hurt by his leaving me for OW would be our kids - I know now that I would be fine without him, and at this point, wouldn't be hurt. He feels as though our roles have reversed - he now wants this to work, but can see that I'm okay with it not working. It is a hard conversation to have, but you should let him know your feelings.

lastdance posted 2/21/2014 16:24 PM

I need to share with you this----I went thru the same----your feeling that he just waits out until things cool is true----remember he betrayed you and you took him back--he did something bad and he just waited until it died out and you forgave him---he waits until it all blows out======this guy is slick,he knows how to have his cake and eat it too---he knows what to say to get his way---he will betray you again---keep your eyes open-----he knows hoe to play the game

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