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Drunken one night stand with his ex.

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MrsMollagawat posted 2/17/2014 17:38 PM

On October 7th I found out about the drunken one night stand that my husband of just 6 weeks had with his ex wife. I have been truly devastated. My world and all of my dreams and hopes have been reduced to disposable waste. Can anyone offer any insight? I need to talk about this but don't know where to begin.

scarednbroken posted 2/17/2014 17:47 PM

Hi. Sorry to meet you here but welcome. There are many many here with more experience than me. I don't have a ONS one time only experience. My WH is a serial.

Start by reading the healing library. Or try the I can relate forum. There is a ONS topic there. Most of all be sure to take care of yourself. And don't do anything rash. Take a moment.

Did he confess or did you discover? Does he know you know? Any remorse?

((((MrsM)))) those are hugs. Take care of you.

What2Do76 posted 2/17/2014 17:55 PM

What has happened since you found out? How did you find out? What do you want to do? I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Breezy150 posted 2/17/2014 20:47 PM

Post on here a lot, there is a lot of support, also read the healing library, knowledge is power.
No matter what don't ever think any of this has to do with you, you didn't do anything wrong.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, stay strong.

MrsMollagawat posted 2/17/2014 21:08 PM

We had a big ugly argument and he left the house. Hr went over to his 24 year old daughter's house where the two of them proceed to get blasted and she convinced him that her mom would be a great listener. She then drove him to his ex wife's apartment, which she had because she was having problems with her current husband. The two of proceeded to drink more and enjoyed commiserating till the point that his pants just fell off. He tells me that it was never his intention, he was only looking for someone who knew and understood him. That answer is just not good enough for me.

Stillstings posted 2/17/2014 23:05 PM

We had a big ugly argument and he left the house. Hr went over to his 24 year old daughter's house where the two of them proceed to get blasted and she convinced him that her mom would be a great listener. She then drove him to his ex wife's apartment, which she had because she was having problems with her current husband. The two of proceeded to drink more and enjoyed commiserating till the point that his pants just fell off.

This whole thing sounds disgusting and toxic. His daughter drove him while drunk herself to his ex's apartment where the same thing got repeated? 6 weeks in and I'd consider an annulment.

MrsMollagawat posted 2/18/2014 17:02 PM

Thanks for the suggestion. I really was hoping for a more empathetic response that might help me elaborate and process all of this. Now I just feel stupid for sharing.

steadfast1973 posted 2/18/2014 17:06 PM

Don't feel stupid. Some would thing two affairs would be dealbreakers... But here I am still in R with the jerk...

painfulpast posted 2/18/2014 17:12 PM

How long have you been with him? If the ex is remarried, it sounds like they've been separated for a long while. This seems very out of place.

What about the adult daughter? Is she trying to push mommy and daddy together?

The drinking in the family seems fairly heavy. Is this something that is common in this family? Also, has he had other 'run in's' with the ex?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't think anyone was trying to be cold. It's just that, at 6 weeks in, this is a mess that just shouldn't be.

The daughter's role in this is really a little disturbing, as is the alcohol that (apparently) the entire family seems all too familiar with.

marionwendy posted 2/18/2014 17:28 PM

Mrs M I am so sorry this has happened. I will bet that it hasn't happened before and probably won't happen again. Yes people make choices bad ones but alcohol was also a huge factor and many many people make bad decisions when they have had to much. That doesn't dismiss what he has done it just did not help matters. Is your husband remorseful? Did he tell you or did you find out? Have you talked with him? What does he say? This is a hard spot to be in and none of us want to be here. I hope you and your WH can figure this out. I wish you the best.

MrsMollagawat posted 2/18/2014 18:19 PM

He and I have known each other since high school. We were friends and ran in the same circles. He graduated class of 80 and I was class of 81. We had run across each other many times over the years and always had a pleasant, friendly interactions. Like so many of our friends, we had grown up and started our lives. Both got married, both had children, jobs etc. In August of 2012 we both happened to be at the memorial service of another classmate when I noticed he was there alone. Our romance took off right away. We fell in love and were nearly inseparable. My former husband and I had been divorced many years and I had recently ended an eight year relationship. He was still legally married, separated and going through a divorce. She had had an affair with a man at her place of employment and had chosen to end. the marriage.

MrsMollagawat posted 2/18/2014 18:53 PM

The man that she had the affair with was s coworker and someone that my husband thought was afriend. The story was that he needed a place to stay because his wife st the time had a restraining order against him and he had to leave his home. My husband worked nights and sell, I guess we all know how the story goes. At first she was very supportive of our relationship even telling him that she was certain the children would like me. Eventually her constant texting and calling became intrusive and I felt that she just wanted to stay a little too involved. She would ask my then finance for special favors stating that only he would understand and would he please keep it " between the two of them". She called me one night in a drunken tirade accusing me of keeping her family, broken as it from staying in contact. I simply told her that she was not welcome to be the third person in our relationship. After many more issues like this, my then fiance and I made a trip over to the home she was now sharing with her new man to make some things clear and set some boundaries

MrsMollagawat posted 2/18/2014 19:01 PM

She was not happy that we were all four sitting in the same room and discussing her excessive texting, wanting to keep secrets ect in front of her new man. She told my now husband that his leash was a bit short and that he was allowing me to call all the shots. I guess she still wanted to do that. I continue with this later.

Skan posted 2/18/2014 19:44 PM

Hey there. Welcome. I'm glad that you found us. We are all here to support you. Listen, you are going to be given all kinds of advice, comments, commensurations, and gentle 2x4s'. Rule one of this site is to take what you need and leave the rest. Please do remember that each of us has also stood where you stand, learning of our betrayal by the one person that we thought loved us, honored us, and who had our back.

If you have not already, please look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. The articles there are a good primer for the world of infidelity that you find yourself in. Any post in this forum with a red "target" next to it is also meant for newcomers. You'll find most of those posts in the first three pages as we bump them up to the top frequently.

Something for you to think about right now is demanding that he be absolutely NC (no contact) with his XW. No calling, no texting, no getting together, nothing. Unless he has minor children still with her, he really has absolutely NO reason to ever be in contact with her again.

Right now, please take care of yourself and figure out what, exactly, you need from him to even consider R (reconciling, there is a list of abbreviations in The Healing Library as well) with him. At a bare minimum, no drinking, AA or the equivalent if he has a booze problem, and counseling seem to be called for, to figure out why he was stupid and disrespectful enough to think that getting plowed with his X and screwing her was a valid way to end an argument.

(((hugs))) Come back often. We're all here for you.

Stillstings posted 2/19/2014 16:10 PM

I read your follow up posts. His daughter is not over the divorce and probably saw you as another roadblock for getting them back together during the separation and has no respect for you. Her drunk driving her drunk dad to her mom's house is a very cruel and calculated move, booze or no booze.

Time for baby girl to grow up and realize she cannot manipulate her dad and he needs to grow a set and set some boundaries.

You can NC the ex wife but as long as this child/woman is allowed to cause trouble that may not work.

There are too many people in this relationship and I saw this happen for 10+ years with another family IRL.

UndecidedinMA posted 2/20/2014 12:56 PM

I wish I had found this the first day. If you read my profile you will see my FWSO had the ONS with the ex. I was also welcomed at first but this was a smokescreen for her to try & get back in his life.

I am very empathetic. It just truly sucks when you know it was revisited, & you feel like such a fool.

Stillstings posted 2/20/2014 21:23 PM

You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel ashamed. He and his daughter behaved in a terrible way and put you in a very hurtful and bad position.

What they did was so devious it makes my skin crawl. You deserve so much more than this.

Oftencheatedon posted 2/20/2014 22:45 PM

Believe me I have empathy for you. That was a real blow to the gut.

I probably over reacted to your problem. My situation is such that I want to die a little inside for you when just reading about it.

My DH destroyed my wedding day by telling me that he still loved his ex and that he would never love me more. And yes I am STUPID STUPID STUPID for going thru with the wedding.

So if my DH ever slept with his ex I would just die. Seriously I might just explode.

My DH did sleep with his ex years after their divorce - a ONS that resulted in my SS. The SS that is the most disgusting person I've ever met. Every time I look at SS I think of them having to have that little quickie.

I have been cheated on in almost every relationship I've ever had. I did not date for a decade until I met DH. It has taken a lot for me to trust him.

If he did sleep with his ex it would be the realization of my worst fears. He could beat me to a pulp with a baseball bat and that would not come close to the hurt I would have if he slept with his ex.

[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 10:47 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

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