You said it doesnt feel right...let me paint a different picture for you..
When I first started runnng track..I was fast....naturally...but not efficient at all. I was put on a lot of different track teams and relay teams...because I was fast. By the time I got to high school, I finally met a coach who let me know how much better i could be if I were running correctly....He said I am working against myself.
It didnt "feel" right at first. I actually got slower as I was learning a more efficient way to run. But when I learned the RIGHT way to do it...it got easier..I didnt work as hard, I worked more effectively. I had to retrain my muscles to move the right way. I had to make a mindful, deliberate, intentional effort to be more effective. And the more I did it, the better I got and the easier it got. I havent run in 10 years now...but the muscle memory is still there.
^^^^^^^^that is what you gotta work toward. It wont be easy. Marriage is intentional and deliberate...it works because one works at it. Key word WORK....
ETA: You work against yourself when you say you dont know why she is forgiving you, or that you dont wanna be there. Its not going to be easy. Affairs are easy, cheating is easy..work is work, and it can be hard.
[This message edited by NikkiD at 8:19 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]