Hi deena04,
With a dday just a couple of months ago, it is not surprising that you are still on the fence. There has not been time for your WS to identify and own his issues, then work to fix them and show you sustained change, nor for you to get some acceptance of what happened and to begin to heal.
In your profile you posted:
He said he thought we were breaking up and that he was "lost".
This is a good starting point. Has your WH figured out why he turned to an OP when he thought that you were breaking up rather than turning to you, working on his part of the relationship, or inviting you to MC? What has he done since dday? Is he in IC to work on his issues? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how they apply to your M and his A? What is different now in the M, not words, but actions, to show he is remorseful and changed?
I understand that you are struggling with R versus D. I would like to suggest a third alternative for you; “not divorcing”. By not divorcing you do not separate or leave the M so long as you continue to feel safe in the relationship, but neither do you commit to staying in the M or working on the relationship long-term. During the period while you are “not divorcing”, you can watch your WH to see if he is truly remorseful, truly learning what his issues are that led to his A, and if he is owning those issues and sustaining change in his perceptions and behavior to fix those issues.
During this non-committal time while you observe, it would probably benefit you to do some IC of your own to help process and work through your emotions and to do some values clarification work on what you want for your future. This time of watching, healing, and not divorcing is also a good time to shore up your reserves. Your social support reserves by renewing and expanding your circle of friends. You financial rewards by saving cash, reducing debt, and preparing to have the necessary cash flow and reserves if you decide separation or divorce is the right path for you. Your personal self-esteem by engaging in hobbies, activities, or interests that you may have set aside when you M. Exercise and a good diet will also help you prepare physically and mentally for the stress of R or D, whichever you ultimately decide is best.
Limbo sounds and feels like wasted time with no goal or purpose. The shift to not divorcing provides all of the comfortable lack of sustained commitment to R or D of limbo, but while providing time for the BS to get to acceptance and some healing, and for the WS to achieve some insights to their relationship issues, and time to demonstrate commitment to changing to be a better M partner.
--Ats