"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

deena04 posted 2/17/2014 19:44 PM

Not sure what happened other than I woke up with the flu. I also woke up angry as heck! I made it my goal today to do everything hurtful to my WH I could (no I would not actually physically hurt him, but said I hated him, was moving out with the kids, etc...). I actually meant every word when I said them, but I know that I do love him. I hate limbo! Just when I think I am doing well, a day like this happens. He actually told me to pull it together or he won't be able to handle it. I won't fall for that crap; he did this and he can deal or move on, but I won't silence my emotions because of his threats. Anyway, just venting and taking a deep breath. Tomorrow may be better, right?!?

I wish I could pull my legs to one side of the fence and not hover over it. Today was a "screw him, he's out" kind of a day. Next thing I know, I can't stand to be away from him. WTH?

ladies_first posted 2/17/2014 20:20 PM

I made it my goal today to do everything hurtful to my WH I could

How'z that workin' for you?

deena04 posted 2/17/2014 20:27 PM

Honestly, I just didn't care at that point in time. I don't get why I stay if it hurts this much, but can't really leave either. Limbo sucks!

deena04 posted 2/17/2014 20:28 PM

And I didn't literally make it my goal, it just happened to be one of those days that it turned out that way.

mesoSTUPID posted 2/17/2014 20:48 PM

I am 2 years out, and I still wake up like this some days. I had read somewhere that year 2 was a tough one and I think I agree.

There are days I wake up and ask myself what am I still doing here, but those are the exception not the norm. Otherwise, I probably would have ended the marriage already.

It does help that my H wants the marriage to work.

Everyone keeps saying 2 to 5 years... I am 2, so now what?

sparkle09 posted 2/17/2014 20:52 PM

I'm right there with you!! Told him I hated him & this marriage will not survive because he is a POS!! I woke up angry made him leave the house then he gets back and I'm a crying wreck!! Then I'm angry again take off for 3 hours come back still raging and crying saying horrible things to him the entire time. He kept his cool listened apologized and wrote me a 3 page letter ab how sorry he was and he hates himself for hurting me and he can't live without me. Today had been so bad but I'm happy to say WH is getting it finally!

Breezy150 posted 2/17/2014 20:52 PM

I understand perfectly, I couldn't have said it any better. Limbo sucks!!,

sad81712 posted 2/17/2014 23:02 PM

From what I can tell you aren't that far out from your Dday. You are in an Anger stage! You are dealing with the loss of the marriage and husband you thought you had. It is like a death. Work through it...But, keep in mind this is the time when you stick up for yourself and let him know what you want and need for true recovery and reconciliation. Do a lot of reading, MC, IC, figure out the "why and how" this happen.

I'm 18 months out and still cycle through all the stages. It get better if you both are doing the hard work to reconnect.
You're not alone….hang in there!

marionwendy posted 2/18/2014 07:10 AM

I did this yesterday. I flipped out. Im only five months out on this road I call hell. Hate is such a strong word and I use to correct my boys for using it. I now feel this emotion at least once a day. There are days I wish WH was with me and then days I wish he could just disappear from my life.

I question my own strength, I wonder why I want to endure this pain, shame, resentment ect....

There are days Im driving and wish I could just keep going, never look back, but reality and responsibility bring me back to my real life! I hate my new life. I hate that someone who was suppose to have my back thought so little disregard for my feelings.

When I flipped out WH told me in a raised voice(he never raises his voice) that he cant do this with me anymore. He says Im like a yo-yo up one day down the next. He says he knows how much he has hurt me and feels pain like I do. So like the one person that posted (Hows that workin for ya?) ITS NOT! I need to learn to control my anger. Its just so hard some days!

Hope we can all get through this turmoil.

atsenaotie posted 2/18/2014 07:43 AM

Hi deena04,

With a dday just a couple of months ago, it is not surprising that you are still on the fence. There has not been time for your WS to identify and own his issues, then work to fix them and show you sustained change, nor for you to get some acceptance of what happened and to begin to heal.

In your profile you posted:

He said he thought we were breaking up and that he was "lost".

This is a good starting point. Has your WH figured out why he turned to an OP when he thought that you were breaking up rather than turning to you, working on his part of the relationship, or inviting you to MC? What has he done since dday? Is he in IC to work on his issues? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how they apply to your M and his A? What is different now in the M, not words, but actions, to show he is remorseful and changed?

I understand that you are struggling with R versus D. I would like to suggest a third alternative for you; “not divorcing”. By not divorcing you do not separate or leave the M so long as you continue to feel safe in the relationship, but neither do you commit to staying in the M or working on the relationship long-term. During the period while you are “not divorcing”, you can watch your WH to see if he is truly remorseful, truly learning what his issues are that led to his A, and if he is owning those issues and sustaining change in his perceptions and behavior to fix those issues.

During this non-committal time while you observe, it would probably benefit you to do some IC of your own to help process and work through your emotions and to do some values clarification work on what you want for your future. This time of watching, healing, and not divorcing is also a good time to shore up your reserves. Your social support reserves by renewing and expanding your circle of friends. You financial rewards by saving cash, reducing debt, and preparing to have the necessary cash flow and reserves if you decide separation or divorce is the right path for you. Your personal self-esteem by engaging in hobbies, activities, or interests that you may have set aside when you M. Exercise and a good diet will also help you prepare physically and mentally for the stress of R or D, whichever you ultimately decide is best.

Limbo sounds and feels like wasted time with no goal or purpose. The shift to not divorcing provides all of the comfortable lack of sustained commitment to R or D of limbo, but while providing time for the BS to get to acceptance and some healing, and for the WS to achieve some insights to their relationship issues, and time to demonstrate commitment to changing to be a better M partner.

--Ats