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bewuzzled posted 2/17/2014 21:08 PM

So things were fine, as far as I knew.. And then we both leave for work tonight and I get a text not 30 minutes later saying " I've got that feeling again. Something's going on and I'm gonna find out what" he says it feels like I'm rubbing his face in something, and he's gonna figure it all out. I've insisted I'm not doing any such thing, and now he's giving me the silent treatment.

So, if you were a FWW who's been walking the straight and narrow, have no idea what BH is talking about, and has no idea what to do about any of it, what would you do?? What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Aubrie posted 2/17/2014 21:23 PM

So, if you were a FWW who's been walking the straight and narrow, have no idea what BH is talking about, and has no idea what to do about any of it, what would you do??

BH, I'm on my way to you. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want my phone, cell records, I'll open my email up for you. I'll stop at a light and text you a photo of which intersection I'm sitting at and send it to you. Is there anything else I can do to help you thru this?

[This message edited by Aubrie at 9:23 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

Athene posted 2/17/2014 21:26 PM

Hi,
Not sure what your BH is worried about but the key thing is that he IS worried about something.
If you truly have been honest, straight and narrow - well then you really don't have anything to worry about.
Instead, take this as an opportunity to support your husband. Be an open book - let him know you understand he has trust issues and rightfully so.
Let him have access to anything he wants - don't wait to be asked but proactively provide anything you think might put his mind at ease. Reassure him of your love for him and your commitment to your marriage.
When I felt anything seemed fishy in the past, it stemmed from fear, insecurity, pain. Sometimes when things seem to be going ok, I found myself getting more uncomforteble and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
What would have helped me was my WS being compassionate and empathetic - to validate that it was ok to feel how I did, to reassure me that there was no need to worry because he loved me, that he remained honest and that he continued to be committed to working hard toward regaining my trust and love and respect. Don't get defensive - that's what my BH did and it just made things worse.
Hold steady and hang in there.

Brandon808 posted 2/17/2014 21:30 PM

This is the thing about fear. It will jump on you when you least expect it. It will blindside you. Now the problem for BS is that we typically ignored our instincts before to our own detriment. After dday#1 I had a few moments where I was sure something was going on but wouldn't find out anything in particular at that time.

In your BH's case he may be having one of those moments. It seems more likely to hit when you're feeling comfortable imho. The fear hits and you tell yourself you're not going to ignore it this time. You're not going to let yourself be gaslighted (even gaslighting yourself).

I would sit him down and be very calm, very controlled, and as patient as possible. Ask him when this feeling came over and what triggered. Ask him what he wants to know and what you can do to help him.

I'm guessing of course but if I'm right he is experiencing what BS are often cursed with. That fear that we're going to get ambushed again. That our WS doesn't really want R, they just don't want D. That after we took that leap of faith in not ending the relationship the result is for it to blow up in our face. It is a horrible feeling but very normal.

I assume you'll be able to answer his questions. Once you answer his concerns he may very well get angry and frustrated for feeling that way to begin with. It's normal and part of healing. If you can get him to come to you as a safe place to crash when that happens then I think it will work out very well. At least it would have for me but I didn't have any of that. I did eventually have dday#2-4.

outside4me posted 2/17/2014 21:33 PM

Patience. BS is riding a roller coaster... good days and bad. "That feeling" comes sometimes from triggers, sometimes from intrusive thoughts, and sometimes just right out of the blue with no rhyme or reason behind it. From what I'm finding out, the trust takes years to come back if indeed it ever fully does. Such is the collateral damage of betrayal, and partly why R is so very hard. Harsh alert: Even though you might be on the straight and narrow (good job, BTW) you made this mess when you betrayed him. Patience is how you ride the wave until the next good day comes along.

Silent treatment: I'd try to initiate communication, but be patient and respectful if he doesn't want to. Sometimes when I have dark thoughts towards my WW I'm quiet because I've got a massive internal dialogue going on already... "what if.... IS she... isn't she... how could she... etc." Sometimes I'm quiet because at that moment I'm so angry and hurt if I open my mouth its going to be UGLY.

Stay consistent, keep on the straight and narrow, and HANG IN THERE! You can do this.

bewuzzled posted 2/17/2014 22:05 PM

Thanks you guys. All good advice. He has talked a little bit. Says he has to check things out, which is cool since I'm not hiding anything. The only thing I can say for now is that while I'm sad this is happening, it does feel good to be innocent instead of guilty this time.

deena04 posted 2/17/2014 22:17 PM

Be transparent and then some. Answer questions honestly and calmly. Hold your spouse if allowed to do so. Don't get mad for the feeling that's going on. I get those feelings at the crappiest times and usually when WH has worked 12 hours straight. Therefore, he is tired and I am mouthy. Sometimes he snaps back until I remind him that he did this, so be patient. Good luck!

watersofavalon posted 2/18/2014 06:43 AM

I used to do this sort of thing to H. I approached it differently. I didn't word it in such an aggressive manner as your H - I didn't assume there was something going on, I just told him I was feeling insecure. 'I feel so lost and afraid, can you assure me again that you aren't in touch with her, that you don't want to be in touch with her, that you are where you want to be?' etc. He would reassure me, I'd have a weep or even a yell, he'd reassure me som more and we'd carry on. It used to happen at least once a week - now perhaps once a month or so at the most.

I am guessing that what your H is saying is that he is feeling unsafe and needs reassurance. I know maybe men react differently and he might not react that well to being hugged and comforted. I like the idea of leaving work asap and treating this an an emergency - to make him feel more important than anything else. He might well feel at the bottom of your list of priorities - he wants to feel at the top.

Good luck x

creativecat posted 2/18/2014 08:13 AM

What Aubrie said, x 1,000,000,000

eachdayisvictory posted 2/18/2014 08:59 AM

Don't defend yourself. Don't be smug or self-righteous because you know that you've done nothing wrong. Be remorseful and empathetic.

Let him know that you're sad that YOU have done this to him. That you have made an environment of fear for him to live in, and that you will do anything you can to help him and prove yourself.

painfulpast posted 2/18/2014 09:13 AM

I'm curious - your DDay was 3 years ago. Has anything new happened since then? It seems odd to me that 3 years out this is happening to the point that you're getting the silent treatment.

I'm NOT judging your BH, or you. I'm just wondering what's happening that is stirring these feelings. Is this A season? Was the period after DDay particularly hard for him?

These things do happen. I understand that. The curious thing is that after 3 years, most BSs have realized that these feelings can just arise and we've learned to do a little checking before the silent treatment starts.

Again, not judging. Once bitten, twice shy is the mantra of any BS. It's just concerning that the hurt is still so raw for him.

If nothing has happened in 3 years, I'm going to recommend something other than leaving work as other posters have suggested. They aren't wrong in their suggestions as there is no right or wrong - I just have a different opinion.

As a BS, as sucky as it is, at a certain point we need to accept that the insecurities are warranted but we can't live by them. I would certainly apologize for causing these insecurities in your BH. I would ask what you could do to help him feel more secure. However, your life cannot be spent running to him at every bad feeling. Harsh? Maybe - but remember, I'm a BS. There comes a time when we need to accept that we've decided to R, and with that comes some hard times. We can't expect the world to stop at every whim we have regarding feeling betrayed. We need to accept that we will feel like this for no reason sometimes, and we need to learn coping mechanisms.

Again - no judgment. If DDay had been 6 months ago, or a year even, I'd say go to him. But after 3 years and no incidents, you both need to start asking where the line is. Where is the point where he should be vocalizing every bad thought, and where is the point where you need to risk your job to go hold his hand and apologize again?

There are 1,000 lessons for any couple in R. This may be one of them. I'm so sorry he's feeling like this. I know the feeling, and it's horrible. It really is. Hypersensitivity is really all consuming, and can cause so many internal struggles. I do feel for both of you.

Good luck, and just be there if he needs you. I agree with not being smug or condescending. He didn't ask for these feelings.

If you're still in MC, you may want to bring up some methods for each of you to deal with these moments. I'm sure they're hard on you too - never knowing what will come from the next text message, and wondering when your BH will feel better. And I'm sure all of this is co-mingled with plenty of guilt over the entire issue.

My best to both of you.

omgnome posted 2/18/2014 09:50 AM

As a BS who is going through something similar right now I'd like to offer input.

The advice given above is excellent advice. In my situation I think have my WW immediately ask what she could do to assuage fears, to make her life an open book, to answer any question she could, to not be defensive and angry that would be a great gift.

Instead I ended up with strong defensiveness, anger at me bringing up questions about the past, defiance that this will be the last time she talks about the past.

The sort of attitude my wife displayed was not reassuring, it did not make me feel safe, it did not make me feel like I have all of the information.

My advice would be to support your husband, tell him you are an open book, answer anything he asks of you honestly. Be there for him. For a period in your life he was not the priority, he needs to know that he is now.

cl131716 posted 2/18/2014 11:04 AM

What Aubrie said. That is what would help me.

Man I had to read this twice before I realized you were the WS. The top part sounds like something my WH does to me, except I wasn't the unfaithful one, he was.

sisoon posted 2/18/2014 12:08 PM

You can't prove a negative. I think the best you can do is to talk together to figure out what will give your H a sense of security.

Ultimately, R pretty much requires the BS to decide to feel secure, since there's no way to prove he is and will forever be secure. We just can't predict the future.

It could be very good that's he's raising the issue now, since you can't help resolve it unless you know it's there - but it's his issue.

JanaGreen posted 2/18/2014 15:45 PM

I'm curious - your DDay was 3 years ago. Has anything new happened since then? It seems odd to me that 3 years out this is happening to the point that you're getting the silent treatment.
I'm NOT judging your BH, or you. I'm just wondering what's happening that is stirring these feelings. Is this A season? Was the period after DDay particularly hard for him?

I was kind of wondering the same thing. Three years is a long time. Something has happened that has got him spooked. He may not want to tell you what, because he doesn't want to tip him off. You know you didn't do anything, so I'd advise you to just help him, answer his questions, show him whatever he wants to see. That's all you can do, I think. Hopefully he'll eventually share whatever it was that set him off. Good luck to you both!