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Newest Member: NumbEmptySad (61504)

User Topic: Advice Please
♀ 36345
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I still work at the same place as my former AP. I have been back to work since September (from maternity leave). I am only going to work once a week (Saturday) because of being in school. My husband doesn't like when I go to my job because of all the triggers. He doesn't like my job, the people I work with, or anything associated with my place of work.

My dilemma is, I have offered to get a new job because I know that it bothers him when I am there. It is also really getting to me being there. I hate going in there and I hate seeing certain people I work with. He has told me that I should just stick it out until I am done school. I will be done school at the end of August. The thing is with this job is that I make more than minimum wage by quite a bit, they have been accommodating with my schooling, and I only work one day a week (holidays too).

I guess I would just like to know what I should do? Should I stick it out until I am done school? Or should I get another job? If I get another job I would probably have to work more than one day a week and I wouldn't make as much.

[This message edited by FR2012 at 9:11 PM, February 17th (Monday)]

BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess you have to weigh the pros and cons.

Leaving would ease BH's mind. You would be away from AP and toxic people. It would bring a level of relaxation you both may need desperately. BH especially.

Leaving would mean a new job with more hours. How would he feel with you being gone more, even if it means your not in proximity to AP?

Would a new job/more hours be worth it to be away from AP?

Only y'all can decide that. All we can do is offer opinion. If it was me? I'd walk. Yesterday.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were I in your place, I'd seriously consider a job that I may have to work 2-3 days per week for less pay.
My spouse's peace of mind would be worth it.

Me - 45
DD(24), DS(21, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

Posts: 9966 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here and There
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps he doesn't Want to make that decision for you, it is something you should do.

What's more important? Your husbands sanity, your sanity and your marriage or a few extra bucks a week?

Would a new work schedule for you cause problems? If not, then do it. Like yesterday.

And if it does, then work on making the necessary changes so you can find a new job. Honestly, I would not be at a place that had so many triggers for my BH.

And who knows, you just may find a p/t job that has decent pay and that you enjoy!

[This message edited by SandAway at 4:48 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

BH Tred
M 19yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2012
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would show that you are committed to R if you leave this job. If both you and him hate it, I think you have your answer there.

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FR2012 - It is also really getting to me being there. I hate going in there and I hate seeing certain people I work with.

I won't repeat the same great advice that you have already gotten ...

I just want you to think of what you said in your quote and then ask yourself, if there ever really enough money in the world to justify going into work when you hate your job?

I think you already have your answer.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in a similar position as you....I didnt work with my XAP but saw him at work almost daily. At first my BH told me i didnt have to change jobs, but once I made the decision to do so he was very relieved. I think he was hoping I would make the choice by myself rather than doing it cuz he told me to.

At my old job we had free childcare cuz my daughter came with me and that was one of the factors we considered. Now we are paying for childcare for four days a week and it sucks and its harder to stay up to date with bills....but the piece of mind is totally worth it...for both me and my BH.

I thought at first that I could still see XAP at work and it wouldn't affect me, and it was horribly wrong. It was too hard emotionally to see him everyday and I couldn't do it anymore. Leaving that job and everyone associated with it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my BH.

Just my thoughts! !

But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have offered to get a new job because I know that it bothers him when I am there. It is also really getting to me being there. I hate going in there and I hate seeing certain people I work with.

Gently, as a BS I took FWW "offering" to do a thing after dday as passive. I wanted to see some initiative from her. I wanted to see that getting rid of my painful triggers and stress was as important to her as to me.

Next, you can look at this with cost/benefit consideration. It bothers him when you go, you hate seeing certain people and it bothers you to be there. How does this rank compared to the difference in income from this job and some other 1 day (Saturday) a week job?

If you are looking to try and save your M after an A, you and your BH are facing a very difficult period emotionally. You may even find your school schedule will need to be slowed down to address this issue in the short term. Staying involved with a job where your OM is present, and you and your BS both dislike some of the people seems like task-loading on top of all the other (school, R, MC, IC, childcare) that you are both trying to manage.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:07 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

dday 10.5.09

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
♀ 42093
Member # 42093
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not trying to hijack the post, but I'm dealing with a similar situation. BF started job nearly 2 years ago, OW was let go a little over a year ago, BF confessed 6 months ago. Since confession he has stated his building dissatisfaction with the job and the people. He makes awesome money, but the duties have been slowly killing him. Prior to taking the job, he was extremely dissatisfied with the job he held at that time. He was excited by the prospect of more money in the new position. We discussed it and I told him if he took the new job, do it because it will make him happier, do not do it because of the money. He took it because of the money. Sometime within the next few months he would stop talking to me and start taking his job woes to her. He let a work vent slip to me one night and I suggested he stick it out for a year and look for something else. His depression got worse in the following months and I naively thought it was job related, I suggested he skip the year plan and look for another job, he exploded and said he wasn't going to quit! She was let go about a month later and things got better for awhile. He confessed 8 months after she was let go. They only worked together about 6 months but were still seeing each other for about four months after she was let go. I don't know how many people at the job know or suspected, I don't know how long they were working together while they were sleeping together and I don't know if this new found frustration is his alone or memories of her there. I don't know what advice to give him anymore about his job, but I can tell him that I do not want him to quit because he worries about what I'm thinking. He has to make his decision for himself while keeping us in mind. If he truly hates everything about the place, then it's not a match. If the perks are worth sticking in there longer, then go for it. In your case, I'd suggest the same approach, but tell your husband exactly why you've made the decision you make. Don't leave him in the dark about your reasoning, because if there is any advice he can offer, he needs all your thoughts about it.

Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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