(((My_Name_Is_Alice)))
19 months out here...so take that into consideration when you read my response.
First, Jrazz is spot on.
Second, we are not to judge...period. Unfortunately, I have discovered I was a very judgemental person pre-A. That has been a hard habit to break free from, but I am breaking free from it. From your statement that you always beleived people who stayed with a spouse that cheated on them were weak people...you had some judgementalness within you pre-A. This personal experience has.....changed you.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
--Winston Churchill.
It takes courage to change....it is far easier to remain the same. Yes, this change has been thrust upon you...so it was not your choice to start the change and you could have decided to NOT change and D your husband. You did not.
My wife committed adultery....but that ability has been within her since childhood. Pre-A she did not work on that part which made adultery an option for her...because, in part, that required change. Much easier to lean on the coping skills (deny and ignore her feelings) to deal with parts of life rather than maturely processing life.
I had my own coping skills that lead to destructive choices in my life (porn use). I resisted changing and took the easy way.
So that, in part, is what it means when it is said that BS who offer the gift of R to their fWS are "strong"...because to do so means they have to change (change their perspective, which often times require changes in previous judgements and other things).
Certainly to D takes strength too....because it, too requires change. But, unlike R, D CAN make self-exploration OPTIONAL. True R insists both BS and fWS do extensive self-exploration to identify unhealthy parts of each.....which is the first step in changing yourself.
Another component of this "strength" is.....delayed gratification.
Adultery is nothing if it is not instant gratification....an instantly emotional and-or sexually freeing playground, if you will....no baggage or reality to bog you down. My wife was making out with her fAP in less than 20 hours of face time....full on sex within 40-60 hours of face time.....wife considering leaving our family for him upon DD#1. There was nothing "delayed" about affairs.
BS offering R is effectively saying "I am in more pain than I ever thought humanly possible to endure....and I am willing to sit with this pain, process this pain with the person who inflicted it upon me (but who is NOT doing that anymore and is remorseful) in hopes that, one day we can have a healthy marriage and save our family....maybe even change our family tree becuase of our efforts."
And this is strength in action. Takes unbelieveable courage.
Post often. Realize you always have choices.
Keep the faith.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:19 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]