Hello everyone, what a great forum, I can't tell you how much it helps reading everyone's stories and knowing that what I am going through is what everyone else has been through or is also going through!
So here's my story. What ever advice or help any one can give will be accepted and welcomed.
We are a British couple, who left the UK to become expats about 8 years ago for various reasons including living life to the full, exploring new lands and cultures and for my DH to move on his career in the oil and gas field. We are aged 42 (me) and 48 (him) and we have 3 kids - DS 15, DS 13 and DD 8. I gave up my career to become what's known as a trailing spouse. We have been married for 19 years. We have lived in the Far East for 2 years, the Middle East for 3 years and we are now back again in the Far East where we have been for 18 months.
When we were in the Middle East, we slipped into a real roommates situation. Snapping at one another, little intimacy, and not much happiness. At that point I discovered that my dh had been in contact with his first girlfriend through Facebook. I discovered this, told him I didn't like it (not the contact as such, but that he had been secretive about it). I didn't give it too much thought though as we were in the Middle East, and she lived in Germany (she's British but is married to a German bloke). My dh then got a new job back in the Far East, more money, great career move etc, so we were then caught up in the excitement of another move.
So we returned, settled in, but it was clear that my DH was not engaged. He was present in body, but not in mind. He was disengaged from me, the kids, our life, making new friends. Finally last year in about April I confronted him - what's the matter? What is going on? He admitted he wasn't sure he loved me, but that there was no one else. I believed him. We agreed we would work at trying to reconnect. The summer came and I left for my long anticipated trip back home to visit family and friends. He remained, but did come for a weeks visit later in the summer to see his family. All summer I was worried, couldn't stop thinking about the state of my marriage, etc. my family had a big gathering which he couldn't come to as he was on a business trip to Paris of all places, imagine flying all that way then returning back to Asia only to the come back again for his family visit! But there we are, that's the expat life and business trips. I missed him terribly at my family reunion, thinking how close he was in Paris.
On our return back in sept last year it was clear that nothing had changed. I was trying really hard, but zip. I then got caught up in my family life with the kids, school, my own projects and various visitors. Over Xmas we had great friends come and visit and my pal advised me to tackle Chris again. So I did - we went out for dinner, and I gave him an ultimatum, as in we have to do something we can't just keep going on. He again denied there being anyone else. I then did some research, found a counsellor I liked the sound of and emailed dh asking that we visit him, and if he wasn't interested then that in itself was a sign that he wasn't interested in investing any more time or effort in our marriage.
That evening was D Day. Tues 14th jan - exactly a month ago.
I asked him what he thought of my email, and he finally confessed - he was in love with another woman. I felt like I was dying. Who?? It turns out it's his ex. They were each other's first loves when they were 17, They had continued their intense electronic relationship that had started I the Middle East and had met in reality only twice - the first just over a year ago when he went on a business trip to London and she flew in from Germany,and the second, yes you guessed it, when he was in Paris last summer on business.
On paper it was a ludicrous story. He kept repeating that he loved her, they want to be together but couldn't say when (she's married with a family), couldn't say where, couldn't explain any practicalities. Anyway, he did then agree that he would come to counselling to see if there was any hope, and stated that they had no plans to meet in the near future. He agreed to keep an open mind.
Counselling was hard. But I felt we were making progress despite that she was still on the scene. But then I grew suspicious - he had a weeks long trip coming up in Singapore - she wouldn't fly all that way for a meet surely? So I asked him - denial. But my gut said something else. So I checked his mobile phone and found messages , photos, adolescent declarations of love, etc etc. and proof that they were planning on meeting in Singapore in 2 weeks. Rather than have it out with him there and then, I waited till we were in the safety of the counsellors office. Of course he couldn't deny it. That was then a deal breaker for me, so I then asked him to move out. He did so,so of course we then had to explain to our kids why. Terrible.
But then there's a twist! Our counsellor had said that often when the sh@t hits the fan, the third party ends it. Oh no says DH,we love each other. But sure enough, as soon as she hears that I've chucked him out, and our kids know and all our families know, she ended it. He never saw it coming.
So the current situation is that my DH is still living out but is visiting at the weekends. He is seeing his own counsellor as he himself is heartbroken (so he thinks). I believe he's been in the Fog as it's described here on the forum, and he's waking up slowly. He wants to reconcile but is not 100% committed as such as he still has feelings for her. He s suffering from guilt, but not full blown remorse yet. There is no more contact between them. He is not promising a rosy ending, just that he is committed to trying to find me again. I also understand that it's unrealistic of me to expect him to come running back to me with declarations of love after he has been in an intense electronic relationship with her for such a long time. In the meantime we have reconnected physically through hysterical bonding, and we are having regular date nights.
All sounds pretty promising - but is he what I want? Can I ever trust him again? Do I really want him as my life partner? He is a stranger to me in so many ways now. Im very confused.
The thought of being a single parent, moving back home, setting up a new life, financial worries, etc etc - very scary. Or a man that at the moment I'm feeling scorn and indifference towards. Altho last week it was desperate determination, and a deep rooted love. Are my fluctuating feelings normal? Help!