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Told all probably is the end

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Upsetdad posted 2/18/2014 08:07 AM

After 2 mos of keeping the full details of my LTR from my wife, she confronted me with a new piece of info that I initially denied, but then owned up to. I then broke down and told her everything. My counselor suggested I wait until we were with the MC to do this but it could not wait. As you could imagine she is very upset. I was so afraid to tell her all after seeing how hurt she was from the initial discovery. I was trying to keep from hurting her further but I knew I had to tell her the truth. Now I fear our marriage wont survive. I dont know what to do.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/18/2014 08:17 AM

TT is never a good idea, it doesn't prevent pain, it only prolongs it. Well done for telling her, that took courage.

There is nothing you can do now. You must let go of the outcome of your marriage. You gave your wife no choice in your decision to have an A. You must respect that she now has to have a choice in whether she stays married to you or not.

She won't make that choice easily, it will take time. You have given her another Dday, it all starts again now and she will swing back and forth between wanting you and R to hating you and wanting D.

Be strong for her, be consistent in your actions; patience, kindness, empathy, understanding, love.

HUFI-PUFI posted 2/18/2014 11:05 AM

Upsetdad - I fear our marriage wont survive. I don't know what to do.

This comes from fear. Fear of loosing your wife. Fear of loosing yourself. Fear. But becoming paralyzed by fear is not going to fix things.

May I suggest that you start off by reading the following posts. They're full of very helpful suggestions about helping support your wife as she tried to cope with this overwhelming hurt and things that you can do for yourself.

As as suggested by BrokenButTrying, you need to respect her decisions in the upcoming days. You created the mess and now, you have to live with the consequences.

Please take care of yourself, don't medicate your pain and guilt and shame with alcohol or drugs, find someone to talk with and get into IC (individual counselling) to start your healing journey. And stop lying. Each episode of TT (Trickle Truth) is like resetting the clock back to day one. You don't want that.


- stop thinking of yourself as a barrel and start thinking of yourself as a well. We are all wells with unplumbed depths that are hidden and ready to be tapped for reserve during bad and stressful situations. Don't limit yourself by imaging you are a barrel. You are a well and you can dig in and go as deep and far as she needs you to. There is no end to our abilities.

Upsetdad posted 2/18/2014 16:21 PM

Thanks for the replies
I have a terrible memory to boot so this has been incredibly hard on her. I have forgotten many details and I know the pain Ive caused is even worse now. This has been the worst mistake of my life.

Deeply Scared posted 2/18/2014 17:16 PM


I would encourage your to write out a timeline of events from your A. This exercise has two purposes.

1. It allows your wife to take things step by step as your affair unfolded and gives her the freedom to question each event until she's satisfied with your answers.

2. It will most likely help jog your memory in revealing more things that you've left out.

I will promise you this...every time you leave something out and your wife uncovers it, you will have just destroyed what little credibility you may have earned back.

Do not lie and do not withhold'll gain nothing by doing so except more pain and anguish for your wife, which clearly you're trying to not do anymore.

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