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He won't confess

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fay72 posted 2/18/2014 08:37 AM

So here's my story.
I have been with my partner for 22 years.We are both 47 and have two teenage daughters.

About two months ago a friend told me she had seen him at a concert without me.She wasn't sure exactly who was with as there was a lot of people.As he had never mentioned the concert to me I started spying on his computer and his private bank account.I can't access his phone as it's always in his pocket or turned off and he's changed the password.......

Anyway it appears that there a two other women in his life. The first one OW(m) he works with.She is 25.They see each other socially ,concerts,cinema and I suspect they often have lunch together. I confronted him about her,saying that he had been seen at the concert and he says they are just friends and nothing but I'm not so sure....He continues to see her out of work and doesn't tell me despite the fact that I told him lying to me only makes me more suspicious.

The second one OW(p) is 22.She lives in a city an hour away by train hour.I found an e mail to her with a link to a hotel saying"here is our room my princess"He often goes to this city to work and I found credit card bills for clothes,jewerelly restaurants etc.IAs I didn't want him to know that I had been spying I told him that I had received a phone call from her about the hotel and what did it mean.Of course he denied everything.

Since then we have several discussions about this.Each time I try to make him confess.He won't.I tell him I want to change things between us, that I want to improve our relationship,that I want to move forward with him.I tell him that I love him but if he continues lying to me and if he continues seeing her we can't have a future together.He is still seeing her .I know because last week he had to work abroad with a male colleague.The flight arrived late at night.He told me he was staying at a hotel at the airport but I found an e mail to the colleague saying he would spend the night at friend's house.

He tells me loves me (which I believe) and he is trying to reassure me sending lots of messages etc doing things together.But he refuses to make love.

I feel so lost,confused, sad.I'm not angry.I just cry all the time.
How can we go forward if he won't confess and he continues to see her?

Thank you for your help

nekorb posted 2/18/2014 08:41 AM

I'm sorry.

I was not the best at "healthy procedure" in the beginning, so I will leave that for someone else to address.

But here are some (((hugs))).

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/18/2014 09:02 AM

Quite honestly Fay, the man is disrespecting you right to your face, and you're really not doing anything to deter it.

You've let him know you're willing to try to move forward even though he's acting like a letch chasing after young 20-somethings.

Simply, he won't confess because he doesn't have to. You've basically told him you'll wait around for him even though you're not pleased he has girlfriends.

Therefore, there's zero incentive for him to become a decent person. You're right there waiting no matter what he does.

Good luck to you.

SeanFLA posted 2/18/2014 09:36 AM

Simply, he won't confess because he doesn't have to. You've basically told him you'll wait around for him even though you're not pleased he has girlfriends.

Plain and simple. You are his Plan B. He knows you aren't going anywhere....right now you know it too.

Easy here, but your husband has no respect for you right now. If he did he wouldn't be slutting around with twenty-something year old women. Having no sex with you is a good thing right STDs. Personally I don't know why that is a worry to you at this moment anyhow. Until you put your foot down and show him you aren't afraid to leave the marriage, sadly nothing is going to change. Many of us have made that mistake. You can either listen and learn from us, or move on in your unproductive ways with him. My suggestion is tell him this right away. The calmer you are when saying it, the more effect it will have:

"Look I know you are having sex with several young women behind my back and trying to hide it from me. I've tolerated enough. I do love you but I'm done with this disrespect. In fact, I may just be done with you anyhow. You have one of two choices here. One, get your head out of your ass and commit to this marriage and your children OR two, I will proceed with my lawyer and start the divorce process. If you choose the second alternative you will move out. I will hit you hard for financial support because you have two underage minors. I will not be discussing this any further. You have 24 hours to make your decision."

Then walk away. No arguing, no crying, no begging, no further discussions. Let him believe you have already retained counsel. Then go right to your bank and open an account in your OWN name only. Transfer 50% of your savings into it. These are actions he will notice and most likely take you very seriously. It's all about posturing here. Many times this action will shock a WS back to the marriage when they know they are backed against the wall. If he refuses to change his ways immediately, you have to follow through with your threats. If you don't he will continue not to respect you.

If he comes back and agrees, then you set your boundaries. HE has to get into IC to see why he feels this is acceptable behavior. He has to be totally transparent to you. That meaning for instance no cell phone passcodes. Anytime you want his phone he gives it to you to go through. You will monitor all spending habits of him, etc. But for now one step at a time. But you also need to get tested for STDs right away. You have no idea how long this has been going on. Your children need a stable parent right now.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:37 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Uhtred posted 2/18/2014 09:39 AM

Ultimatum - polygraph or get out. I hate it when they are caught but still hang on to their " innocence".

Aceofbase posted 2/18/2014 09:46 AM

You need to show him some proof and tell him that you know. Do not show all sources or you may not be able to verify his story later.

He is still in the fog. He is letting his emotions determine what he is doing. You are the safe person the other women are the emotional high.

Until he understands that he can't have both you and the other women he will deny and lie.

naivegirl posted 2/18/2014 10:01 AM

I wouldn't even try to get him to confess. I would tell him you already know everything and you are not going to tolerate the lies. Read up on the 180. Why does he think it is okay for him to do these things secretly with other women even if they are just friends? ( which I don't believe for a minute) I know it is hard to realize in the midst of things but you deserve so much better than this. Find your strength. Think about those teens. How would you want them to act in a relationship? What do you think they should tolerate from a significant other. Model that for them. Hugs!

doggiediva posted 2/18/2014 10:17 AM

I would go ahead and move 1/2 of the money out of savings before you have any other discussions with him..I would do this immediately..

And then do everything else possible so you don't feel like you are stuck to this marriage..

That is when the motivation and momentum will happen to get this cheating douche bag out of your life..

Either he will change ( and not behave like a cheating douche bag) or you have the means and the courage to leave him..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:18 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

fay72 posted 2/18/2014 10:18 AM

Thank you for your replies

I'm so scared I'm shaking as I write this.But I know you are right.I need to find the courage to do this.......

fay72 posted 2/18/2014 10:21 AM

I'vee just had a look at our joint bank account.It's empty.......

4everfaithful83 posted 2/18/2014 10:24 AM

Sending you some strength today!

What SEANFLA said is SPOT ON.

I would follow this advice to a T! Couldn't have said it better myself!

At this point you need to stop worrying about him and do what is best for you, and your children. He is not respecting you, and you are allowing him to think these actions are ok, and that you will be waiting for him. This is NOT ok, and you deserve more.

What would you tell your children to do if they were in this situation?

Breezy150 posted 2/18/2014 10:30 AM

I am so sorry, make an appointment with a lawyer, consultations are usually free. You need to know where you stand legally. It's just for information, doesn't mean you will get a D.
Complete honesty is the most important part of a successful R, so he needs to man up and give you that.

TheClimb posted 2/18/2014 10:40 AM

Can you see where the money went? Was is simply withdrawn or has he used it for purchases? I would call my attorney right now. This shit stops TODAY! The prick took ALL the money! He is showing you exactly the type of man he is; believe him! Now go see that attorney and show him you are no man's second choice.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 10:41 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

StillLivin posted 2/18/2014 10:41 AM

I'vee just had a look at our joint bank account.It's empty.......

Honey, I'm gonna say this as gently as I know how.
Right now, you need to put aside your feelings, as hard as that may be you HAVE to do this right now. You need to go into damage control. You don't have time to go into shock. You really don't right now.
You need to stop all credit cards, and move half of ANY money in any savings, etc. You may want to look into borrowing on insurance policies. You MUST see an Attorney ASAP and file for AT LEAST LS if not D. You can always stop this later.
He has taken ALL of the money. He is moving fast to leave you.
Don't worry about a confession right now....that is the LEAST of your problems.
Keep an eye on that life insurance or he will cancel it without you knowing or change the beneficiary without you knowing (depending on your state, some states won't allow him to without your signature).
Put a keylogger on his phone, if you can, and on all computers in the house.
You can be sad, angry, and cry later. If you don't do the damage control now, you won't be able to later.
I'm SOOOO sorry. This in my books makes me think he is a monster.
You CAN do this. YOU CAN. But you must act fast!

Brandon808 posted 2/18/2014 10:44 AM

What StillLivin said x 10,000

atsenaotie posted 2/18/2014 11:02 AM

You need to show him some proof and tell him that you know.

You do not need to prove anything to him. You know, he knows. It is not inquation that he is having multiple A and using your family resources to pay for them. I like SeanFLA's advice, but after reading he has taken all the joint account money, you need to take steps to protect yourself. Separate and protect your money.

Talk with some attorneys and select one you are comfortable with to see what you can do and our options.

He tells me loves me (which I believe) and he is trying to reassure me sending lots of messages etc doing things together.But he refuses to make love.

No, he does not love you or even like you right now. People do not lie to and betray people that they love.

You no longer need to talk to your WH, you need to protect yourself and your children.

norabird posted 2/18/2014 11:09 AM

How can we go forward if he won't confess and he continues to see her?

You as a couple, don't move forward. You as a person, do.

He is not in the M anymore. He is cheating with at least one of these women and in an EA/eventual if not already PA with the other. So there is no joint, married couple as you have grown to expect. He is doing his own thing without respect for you plus spending marital funds.

Right now, you know the truth. You don't need his confession. So go see a lawyer and protect yourself. Especially financially!!!

Show him you are strong. BE strong. Maybe he'll wake up but the only option for you is to take his actions for what they really mean, which is an end of the M.

You deserve so much more than this treatment. And his midlife crisis is deeply pathetic.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:10 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

kalimata posted 2/18/2014 11:27 AM


So sorry you are here. First of all, I would stop pleading and sobbing to your POS husband. Minimize all communication to the bare essentials. Let him know that you are STRONG and more than capable of moving on without him. If you quiver and panic, he will see that. SHOW HIM STRENGTH AND HE WILL FALL LIKE A STACK OF CARDS.

Other advice:

1) Expose expose expose. You have not exposed at all. This is the single most powerful weapon that you have to stop this foolish behavior by your WH. Expose to everyone who he is close to (friends, family, religious leaders). Expose to your two teenage daughters (in age appropriate language). NEVER LIE to your kids, they probably know more than you think. Expose all in one shot to avoid trickling it over several days/weeks.
2) Do either of the OW have husbands or BFs? If so EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. If not then expose to their close friends that they are sleeping with a married man. Post these sluts on
3) You mention that OW #1 works with your WH. Is he their supervisor? If so then you may have grounds to get him fired. Check with your lawyer first before exposing to the HR dept in his company.
4) Once you expose, then go dark for a few days. Ignore all of his messages, texts, etc. He will panic and probably come begging back. If he doesn't then head right to the lawyer and file for D.

MailServer posted 2/18/2014 11:32 AM

I have been with my partner for 22 years.

Fay, just a simple question. Does partner = husband?

kalimata posted 2/18/2014 11:34 AM


Since your A-hole of a husband decided to move the money out, here are some tricks of your own you do to inflict pain:

1) Call up the number on the back of each of his credit cards. Tell them you are his wife and your husband lost his wallet. Give them his account #. Before hanging up, ask them to mail the new CC to a new PO box that you setup.

2) For his own 'private' banking account: if you know his username, attempt to login to this account enough times using fake passwords. Once you fail login enough times, the account will be locked.

3) Secretly take the ATM card out of his wallet and cut it up.

4) Call the major credit reporting agencies and tell them that your husband recently was the target of a credit theft. It will put out alerts for him and prevent him from opening up new credit card accounts.

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