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How Do I Stop Worrying About Her?

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MadeOfScars posted 2/18/2014 09:15 AM

To make a very long story short and save you the time of reading my story, the STBXW and I lost our only child (stillborn) and a few months later, we learned we had pretty much lost the chance of having children naturally at all. She was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POV).

Now, the worries. Her condition means that in some ways, she's closer to 60 than to her real age of 31. She needs to take calcium supplements and hormone replacement (essentially birth control pills)to offset the effects of basically going through menopause early. Before our split, there were many times she'd just forget to take her meds, so who knows what she's doing now. She was also told that by all means, do not smoke. She still smoked off and on when we were together, so now that she's "on her own," I'd bet she has no one telling her not to do it now.

Couple this with the most troubling aspect - denial and her need to "escape." I am all but certain these 2 losses related to childbearing and her seeming refusal to confront it is what has landed us on the path to divorce. It is understandable that what happened to her is incredibly hard to deal with. As much as it hurt me, it has to be multiplied several times over for her. This has changed her whether she wanted it to or not, and I mean real, physical and hormonal changes which only magnify the grief. Like I said though, she seems to just want to escape it by leaving any and all reminders of that life behind, and that cannot be good for her.

After we got the news, we went to counseling briefly. All she wanted to talk about then is what to do next (adopt, etc.). She never would address the situation head-on, just what to do next (if that makes any sense). Questions about how she felt about the POV were just kinda dodged, or the answer was "I'm taking my meds." It was almost like admitting her condition made it real when it already was very real. Early into counseling, she basically decided she didn't need it anymore and it was a waste of time.

In one of our few post D-Day conversations when we did briefly discuss R, she said something very telling that sent chills through me, and still does. I brought up that any chance for R would mean not only MC, but IC for both of us. Her question - "I really don't know what I'd have to talk about with a counselor." Really?? You can't think of anything?? "Just tell your story and let them do what they do" was my response. Her reply - "eh." She talked to her friends and family who I'm sure told her what she wanted to hear in validating her decisions, and that was that. She refuses to face down her demons, period. She chooses to run from them.

Before D-Day, she was also drinking much more heavily, and I worry that has continued. She didn't drink every day, but when she did, it was to blackout stages far too often. There were times she drove after having way too much as well because, well, her new party friends didn't stop her. Here's another disaster waiting to happen.

While I have maintained NC, I have had to try to mentally prepare for the worst as chances are, I will catch wind of where she is and what she's doing from time to time whether I want to or not. I'm worried of everything from a quick and toxic rebound relationship, hell maybe another marriage. I'm afraid to hear that she's sleeping with anything and everything in sight, that kind of thing. I'm afraid to hear that someone I know may be the OM - I still don't know who. However, I am very, truly worried about her well being, despite all she's done to me. I'm afraid to hear of failing health or worse. I'm afraid she is on a path to self-destruction, and I know there's nothing I can do about it. Still, I can't turn it off. I want her to get the help she needs but refuses to recognize. It would give me no satisfaction to hear that her life has completely crashed and burned.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. Guess I just wonder who among you have or had similar worries for your exes and what you did to handle that worry.

NikkiD posted 2/18/2014 09:25 AM

You have to make peace with the outcoume. Its hard. I had to do it with a hard headed parent. But, they are grown. They know what they need to do. You can try to engage gently, but it may backfire..

Its def not an easy situation.


ajsmom posted 2/18/2014 09:27 AM

Discuss with your IC the steps to detachment.

Also, read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

It's not up to you to fix her. Or even try.


itainteasy posted 2/18/2014 09:33 AM

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Losses, really. You not only lost your child, you have lost your marriage as well.

Gently, how you stop worrying about your STBXW, is by detaching. It would be best if you had no contact with her, no contact = no new hurts.

Her "new" life is not your responsibility. Whether or not she smokes, drinks, drinks and drives, takes her meds....not your job anymore to make sure she does and does not respectively.

It's very difficult to turn off emotions. Of course you still love the woman you were married to. Thing is, she's not there anymore.

Stick to only talking to her about the divorce/settlement/lawyer fees, etc. Nothing personal. And when that's over, don't speak to her anymore. She's someone you USED to know.

And if someone you know starts to tell you something they heard about her, cut them off. Tell them that you thank them for their concern, but what she does is not your concern anymore. Change the subject.

It will get easier. With time. The dreaded 4 letter word.

That's just my opinion/advice. If it helps you, I'm glad. If not, that's ok, too. Take what you need.

Pass posted 2/18/2014 09:43 AM

I am very sorry for what you've been through.

Unfortunately, there is only one thing that you can control in this situation: You.

You have no control over what she does now, and you had very little control over what she did before. Your ex has to figure this out for herself. It really sucks, but there is absolutely nothing you can do for her.

Let's take care of you though, okay?

nowiknow23 posted 2/18/2014 09:55 AM

As everyone else has already said, you stop worrying by detaching. No contact is the path to detachment. And I know it's hard - you can't just flip a switch and stop caring about this person. But you have to come to grips with the fact that she is a grown woman who knows her medical condition, has information and resources at her disposal, and will choose to use them (or not) no matter what you say or do.

It is her life to live as she wants. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

Focus on you, SoulHurts. Detach and focus on you.

MadeOfScars posted 2/18/2014 10:10 AM

Thanks as always. A lot of good points here. I figured I knew how I should approach this (detachment, keeping with NC) but like many things with this situation, its great having SI as a sounding board and source of great advice.

And if someone you know starts to tell you something they heard about her, cut them off. Tell them that you thank them for their concern, but what she does is not your concern anymore. Change the subject.

I do like this especially. Don't think I've mentioned it here, but I have an employee who just happens to be in a LTR with my STBXW's sister. He met her through me (he and I been friends for many years, and in an indirect way he ended up working for me, long story). He and I have remained friendly and professional, and I appreciate that he hasn't brought up the subject at all. There's no way he doesn't know whats going on, but we just do not discuss it in the slightest. That said, he may feel strongly enough to say something to me if certain things should happen, so I have to be strong and shut him down if he does.

You can try to engage gently, but it may backfire..

I agree. It'll only open me up to more hurt.

It's very difficult to turn off emotions. Of course you still love the woman you were married to. Thing is, she's not there anymore.

I really do know this, but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes. As someone else put it though, I'm still in love with my memories, not who she is now.

It is her life to live as she wants. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

I have to accept this.

norabird posted 2/18/2014 10:30 AM

I relate so much to all of your posts. You are a great guy--that is why you are concerned about her. But maybe check out the codependent no more book suggestion above. She is an adult. This is her decision. It is not part of your life anymore how she fares, if she struggles, if she takes the wrong path. Just focus on your own right path.

So much easier said than done, but I know you'll get there.

MadeOfScars posted 2/18/2014 11:08 AM

I need to stop doing this to myself at work; I can feel the tears welling up. Was just thinking of the song "watch over you" by Alterbridge. The

"Watch Over You"

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love

I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?


And when I'm gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?

I can't go on
And let you lose it all
It's more than I can take
Who'll ease your pain?
Ease your pain

Who is gonna save you when I'm gone?
Who'll watch over you?
Who will give you strength when you're not strong.
Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone

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